Old Navy Videos Lead to Firing & Fashion

Who doesn't hate Old Navy commercials?


Repeatedly playing the old "performance fleece" song has been declared to be cruel and unusual punishment by the Supreme Court in the case of Sanity vs. Television Jingles. Playing them in an Iraqi prison could probably cause a worldwide scandal. Too soon...

A typical Old Navy advertisement

Congress has gone so far as to legislate that commercials can't get too loud due to the psychotic episodes that louder Old Navy commercials have been scientifically proven to cause when played at high decibels. "When I blacked out, everything went dark blue. Then when I woke up there were mannequin limbs all over my apartment."


Recently a commander of U.S. Fleet Forces Command lost his position for making inappropriate videos aboard an aircraft carrier in 2006 and 2007. Old Navy is currently seeking his obnoxious video-creation services for their new advertisement campaign.


The goal of these videos (when aboard the seacraft) was to boost morale. Reportedly, several complaints were made about the videos due to their sexual and homophobic content. The captain continued to produce the videos to drill morale into the sailors heads regardless of their objections. Clearly Captain Owen Honors is extremely well qualified to move from the second in command aboard a military vessel to a full-time advertiser... From Navy to Old Navy.

I would love to write the pilot for Army Guys for the Straight Eye

Granted, moving from the military to the fashion industry might be a big leap; especially if the commander isn't fond of homosexuality. There aren't any shows called Army Eye for the Straight Guy. Just Army Guys... the action figures. And there too is the matter of whether the military acted appropriately; what role should a commander have in motivating his troops? And where does freedom of speech end, and public service begin?

But thinking about that would require thinking And for stories like this, it's best not to do that.



**Try not to think of the Performance Fleece song. Just try.**

Daily Strike: Attack of the Giant Penguins

In the latest science news, the remains of a giant prehistoric penguin were recently found in Peru. This penguin was apparently TWICE the size of an Emperor Penguin.

And with a regal name like Emperor Penguin, those birds are clearly already the size of King Kong.

That would make these Penguins the size of Godzilla! Or at least the size of the Cloverfield Monster (who is probably  slightly smaller)

A Sneak Peak from the crossover Happy Feet/Cloverfield movie

RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Penguins have long been regarded as adorable creatures. But this is all part of their plans to overtake society and enslave the human race.

...and of course... to kill Batman.

Penguins should be considered armed...

...and dangerous.

Daily Strike: The Third Strike is Now a Church!

As many bloggers (to their horror) have learned, the city of Philadelphia has started taxing bloggers $300 for "making a profit". As this blogger can testify, the cost of this so-called "business license" is a substantial 30,000% of any earnings a blogger is probably going to be making.

Even though the Third Strike is based out of Washington D.C. and New York City, overreactive paranoia is clearly the appropriate response to the infringement of our writing liberties.

Therefore, the Third Strike is claiming tax-exempt status to avoid any future taxes. Hell, if Scientology and Mormonism get tax-exempt status, why can't Pastafarianism? Or a blogging community, for that matter?

The government isn't equiped to measure religious truth-- to do so would be violating First Amendment rights! Of course, so might taxing people for writing blogs. We're no Elena Kagans here.

Who cares if we don't have temples, followers, saviors, or dogma. We're working on it.

 And if the Third Strike believes that it should be worshiped, then dammit, we will not be denied!

We are now The First Church of the Third Strike!

Our first services will include the following:

1. Gay Marriages! For anyone who wants to be gay married in Virginia or New York, the Third Strike has you covered! Note: Marriages may not be recognized by state law.

2. Absolvement of Sins! Feeling guilty? Donate to the Third Strike, and we will forgive you for anything you've ever done. Again, the law might feel differently.

3. Baptism! Anyone who joins the Third Strike can have shower priveledges at our locations. The water from the apartments will eliminate any prenatal damage to your soul. Warning: you only get one. Water costs money, people!

4, Recommendations for Heaven! We can deliver this to you in writing. Send us your resume to assist our first draft.

5. Protection from Witchcraft! We personally guarantee that if you join The First Church of the Third Strike, no spells will land on you. For a donation, we can also deliver garlic amulets for protection from Vampires.

Daily Strike: the Ball-Wash Parkway

Technically, this highway is the Baltimore-Washington Parkway, or the Balt.-Wash Pkwy. But three times a week for about a year, the commute up to Annapolis Junction, MD took me by this sign. At 7 AM and through bloodshot eyes, it sure as hell looks like the Ball-Wash Parkway.

...which would make the drivers on it Ball-Washers.
And that's exactly what I called those Maryland drivers.

Daily Strike: Best of Craigslist 1

Proof that the Redskins used to make it to the Super Bowl!

You have to ask yourself: Did this guy clean out his fridge 18 years after his Super Bowl party and come across this canned gold mine?

Or did he sit on these Collectable Cokes for two decades, patiently waiting for them to accrue value? What a damn savvy investor.

 Heck, in 1992, were they even using High Fructose Corn Syrup yet? I wonder what it tastes like?
Probably like it got beat by the Detroit Lions last season.

You'd have to ask Scott's Tip of the Day for the closest account anyone can provide.