Monday Moustache: Stache-arama

This marks the thirty-fifth post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:

Scruffy, the Janitor


"Good News, Everyone!"


Scruffy is the lethargic handyman on TV's Futurama. He's also the proud owner of a mop bucket, a collection of zero-G themed pornography, and a worthy moustache.


Life isn't easy in the year 3000 (and on). Every week, the Planet Express crew has to deal with aliens abducting their noses, surviving a planet of human-hating robots, or dodging the stings of merciless Space Bees. Link to Nicholas Cage's infamous "NOT THE BEES"... HERE.


 And even if none of the crews' missions kill them, the BrainSpawn will all the while try to destroy the universe.


So, yes. A lot seems to be going on a thousand years from now. Matt Groening's universe has come a long way from Homer Simpson.


So what makes Scruffy worthy of a Monday spot?


For all the craziness that the future brings, it's nice to know that some things will always be the same.... like the appreciation of a good moustache. Or adult magazine.

Heck, the guy's name is Scruffy. The moustache is part of his identity. Scruffy and his scruff... they are one.


And they always will be. As he says himself: "Scruffy's gonna die the way he lived."
Reading porn.

Monday Moustache: Moustache Delight

The twenty-seventh post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:

Ron Burgundy?

Today's moustache is kind of a big deal.

Because today is Valentine's Day, this Monday's Moustache needs to be one we know and love. It also helps if it is on a man who can play a mean jazz flute.

Ron Burgundy, diligently reading from his teleprompter in a pleasant baritone,.is San Diego's favorite anchorman He covers his territory with the help of field reporter Brian Fantana, sportscaster "Champ" Kind, weatherman Brick Tamland, and co-anchor/love interest Veronica Corningstone. Occasionally the group gets in rumbles with rival news gangs, especially that fiend Wes Mantooth.

On a romantic note, Ron Burgundy is famous for his scotch-drunk pickup lines ("Why don't you come in next time without the bra") and acting as the showcase for gentlemanly behavior. His apartment has many bound books, and smells of rich mahogany.

Speaking of smells, do I detect a hint of Sex Panther?  Today, Third Strike will spread the love by recognizing the first Monday Moustache runner up!

Today's runner up:

Brian's moustache wins the top spot 60% of the time, every time.

Brian Fantana

Brian Fantana is a true romantic: he nicknamed his penis "the Octagon" and moved on to host Fox's "Intercourse Island". His moustache is impressive, but it can't quite hold the top spot over Ron's.

Happy Valentines Day, and Go F*** yourself, Third Strike.

Closet Comic Book Movies (Part 1)

In case you hadn't notice, I like comic books. And comic book movies. And cartoons that were meant for children. Spongebob? Amazing.


I'm unabashed making this confession; the fondness is rooted deep in the bowels of my soul. Heh... Bowels.

There also is a steadily growing community of uber-dorks that are breaking through their original packaging and coming out of the comic-book closet. This is evident by the gigantic crowds at the Comic Cons (New York, San Diego, and the other spin-offs).

Still, there are plenty of haters out there no matter the number of lightsaber-wielding Jedi show up to reenact their favorite scene from Attack of the Clones. My favorite part is when Natalie Portman shuts down Hayden Christensen.


I think it might be the capes that drives people away. In reality, capes are kind of silly-- and not warn by intimidating people. You don't scare people by walking down the street in a cape, and The Incredibles even showed them to be a costume design flaw.

What a lot of the haters don't realize is that there are several comic book or comic-book-inspired shows, characters, and films in hiding. Plenty of stories are based on graphic novels and comic book source material-- and are not blatantly obvious. The Third Strike is here to preach to the choir... errr... educate us all... on those films that have their secret origin with panels and thought bubbles.

1. Road to Perdition

This comic book film taught me that "perdition" means "hell and damnation", and that Tom Hanks can be a hitman. Tom Hanks as a bad guy? I think perdition froze over.


2. A History of Violence

Viggo Mortensen can kick ass in comic book films, not just Middle Earth. In either case, he has a mysterious past.

3. 30 Days of Night
A vampire movie you shouldn't hate. Here is a flow chart on why it's ok:

Oh, yeah, and it's also a comic book vampire movie. See also: Blade.


4. Alien vs. Predator
That's right! Before they battled on screen, these two movie titans duked it out in their own comic books. They both have also seperately fought Batman. No, really!

5. Wanted


This film was a very loose translation of an ultra-violent comic. Then it was decided to be translated into a film. And Angelina Jolie was cast as the same "stoic femme fatale" character she always plays. But... with tattoos. I liked her more as Tigress in Kung Fu Panda, but... that's just me.

More to come!

5 Fictional Jobs That Are More Fun Than Real Ones

For those lucky souls who haven't found out the hard way, working in the Federal Bureaucracy isn't much fun. I don't talk about it in this blog much because this is my escape from the mind-numbing, soul-destroying agony that the agencies and (perhaps worse) consulting companies that try to stamp out any possible capability of creative independent thought.

But there must be other ways to make a living that are far more enjoyable, right?

Wrong!

No wait, right.

Putting together my resume, I have narrowed down what are clearly my best pursuits to become an actually-contributive member of society.

Ghostbuster

As seen on "Dirty Jobs" with Mike Rowe

This job isn't actually that hard to get, as seen by the Ghosbuster's decision to hire a token black guy just because he seemed pretty cool. The rules to Ghostbusting the same as the rules in the Men's Room: Don't Cross the Streams.

In practice, this job is kind of like being a glorified exterminator (with some janatorial aspects included). But at the end of the day, if you've stopped the haunting, you can leave your client with more of a mess than when you came.

You might find yourself being attacked by Slimers, the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man, or a crazy portrait man, but remember rule #2: When in doubt, cover it in slime.

Who you gonna call?

Jedi Knight

Once you get trained by a short green mentor, this job is basically a combination of Beat Cop and Warrior Monk.

There are several perks to becoming a Jedi:

1. Access to the Force. You can aim photon torpedoes, lift things with your mind, and convince people of things that aren't true. Fox News uses the Force?

2. Sweet Lightsabers. Finally, all those hours in Fencing Club will pay off!

However, there are some very big cons:

1. Celibacy.... unless you get married in secret. But then you might become Hayden Christensen. Even Natalie Portman isn't worth that sacrifice.

2. Temptation by the Dark Side. Remember how Qui-Gon Jinn uses the Force to manipulate the dice and win a bet on Tatooine? You know it would be tempting to take those skills to Vegas...

Billionaire Playboy/ Secret Crime Fighter

Iron man does it. Batman does it. Green Arrow does it. And they don't need to be born on the planet Krypton to make them special! All they have to do is amass billions of dollars that they neglect in management while beating petty thieves to the pulp.

It's a great job that could put you on the cover of Forbes Magazine and CrimeFighting Weekly on the same day Imagine: Mark Zuckerberg, scowering Facebook for persoanl data on potential criminals, then stalking them through the night in an armored stalker-mobile.With all the stalking, there is even a clear name for Zuckerberg's alter ego:

The Creeper. But that already exists. Oh well.

Ok, fine, call Mark "the Stalker" then.

_____ Witch of the {Cardinal Direction}

This is a job that finally moves away from law enforcement but still includes acting as a magistrate. It also provides vast options for ones moral compass (as well as geographic). As a ruling witch, one could serve as a Wicked Witch of the North or a Good Witch of the East. A witch can float around in a bubble, ride a broomstick, or just send the flying monkeys to do the damn job for her. There's not much risk of witch-burning; those munchkins have extremely corrupt unions and it will be easy for the Ruling Witch to infiltrate the Lollipop Guild.

Highlander

This isn't so much of a job as a birthright, but it comes with some responsibilities that become full-time. A Highlander is responsible for experiencing "The Quickening" and hanging out with James Bond, who will then teach you how to sleep with female assassins.

Pro: Hanging out with Sean Connery

Con: Probably getting your head chopped off.

Pro: Immortality

Con: There can be only one.