Domestic Disturbance

Readers:

Early this month, I apologized for February's poor posting performance, and commit to do better. Alas, here we are in mid-March, and the posting has slowed to record stagnation. For that, I very much apologize.

Recently, the Third Strike has been negotiating the distance between New York City and Washington D.C. As is typical when Washington D.C. is involved, politics are frenzied and change is stuck in a legislative deadlock. Much like The Godfather Part III, the quality work of Washington that DOES get accomplished goes unsung, and the city pulls people "back in" every time they try to get out. It's not that bad a film!

Metaphors are Fun

New York, of course, does not care for politics, and is more about "getting stuff done", and does not particularly care to employ the skills of Washingtonians. New York is a little bit less impassioned and impulsive, and doesn't want Washington D.C. to pack its bags and move to somewhere foolish like New Jersey. Washington D.C. would like to follow its passions and pursue happiness, but the cities are having some difficulties in reaching consensus in the wisdom in that kind of rash audacity.

The result, readers? There have been fewer posts. Washington D.C. has been close to shutting down and has been moving on with life a few weeks at a time... but things are looking up. New York and D.C. are still two amazing places, and they still have a beautiful connection. I-95? And what's more... both places will tough it out, no matter what connection subsists.

The Third Strike is far from done.

Hooray for metaphors

Third Strike Loves You!

Valentines Day is here, and men nationwide are discovering that reservations are not just for the Indians. "Native Americans" doesn't sound as funny.... COME ON!


Because Third Strike loves readers, we're going to help the romantically-challenged with some tips for their love lives. What qualifies Third Strike to give dating tips? Well, over the years we have learned much from friends and foes alike about the subtle art of seduction. Stop asking so many questions.

#1 Romance Tip: grow a moustache for your lady

Men (Dating Women):

1. On a date, don't refer to your "Man Cave", "Beer Cave", or "Bat Cave", whether you have one or just dream of having one. For some reason, women don't like caves.


2. No woman will be fooled into thinking an entry-level salesman at Enterprise Rent-a-Car is expecting to retire at 30. "We pick you up" is also the employee dating slogan.


3. There is an inverse relationship between the number of messages you leave, and the interest a woman has in calling you back.

4. Stealing quotes from movies and TV shows will probably work for a while, but be careful; you may get caught, become a phony, or simply run out of material. The same applies for recycling material. Reduce your carbon-dating footprint.


5. If a girl brings you to Comic Con, she probably likes you, and is definitely a keeper.



Coming Soon: Women (Dating Men)

Dating Do's, Don'ts, and Doh's Volume 2

A few weeks back, Third Strike had a short entry on humorous dating tips. It was not supposed to be revisited because the subject gets beaten to death as is.

So has the subject of Zombies? Sure. But beating a Zombie to death doesn't stop it. The undead just keep coming back until you aim for the head.

But then... my friend sent me a Match.com email she recieved. Reading it, I realized that there are other topics that just refuse to die.

Online dating has added potential for a monumental amount of awkwardness, because it's not simply like meeting someone in person for the first time. In person, if a person uses a ridiculous pick up line, you can laugh at them in their face (or smile and keep chatting if you liked it).

Sure you can hit it off with a special someone you've been "set up" with online. But by its very nature, Internet dating will also empower the bizzare.

The email:

I can deliver your ideal date

I am pretty much how I describe myself on my profile. I am a funny, well travelled, laid-back, successful English guy, who currently lives on his yacht in Fells Point.


I have an intriguing proposition. I am looking to get to know someone in the Baltimore/DC area over the next month or so then to sail to the Bahamas and maybe the Caribbean this winter. Is your life is flexible enough to spend four months this winter, sailing warmer climes? I presume it would be ideal if you can work remotely or just are fastidious at topping up your tan.

I admire people who can thrive outside their comfort zone. Sailing knowledge isn't mandatory. I hadn't stepped foot on a yacht before I bought her from the comfort of my London office last December. The internet makes idiotic, spur of the moment purchases so much easier. Only once have I nearly sunk my boat.

Is there anything you would like to know? I know this is an intriguing / random proposition - If it hasn't scared you off would you like to meet up?

DO:

The first paragraph of this email is great. He drops the fact that he's English, immediately bringing to mind Daniel Craig, David Beckham, and Hugh Grant movies. I'm sorry, but Bend it Like Beckham sounds like a porno. Just sayin'.

He drops the line that he lives on a yacht, which is fine... yachts are nice. Living on a boat is a little bit unusual, but hey... if things go well then at least the lady won't be in for a complete surprise. Plus, it's better to live on the water than actually in Baltimore, because that city is terrifying.

DON'T:

Now comes the intriguing proposition. Keep in mind, this is his first email. He asks to get to know her for a month, then travel to distant lands on a boat. Forget the first date, this guy is already asking her to move in. Also remember that he's read this girl's profile online, and that alone is what he is basing this proposition on. The joke could be on him if his Internet biddy turns out to have Fran Drescher's voice and Courtney Love's personality. (She doesn't. But she could.)

Also, it's a little insulting to my friend to imply that within a couple days, she would decide to drop any and all life pursuits and abandon career growth to go boating with a complete stranger who found her pictures online. Is his life flexibile enough to wait until the third date before he asks someone on his magic carpet ride?

Doh!

So this guy admires people oustide their comfort zone... which any takers are going to have to be when they find out this guy isn't exactly Horatio Hornblower. Hey he's only almost crashed his boat once. And hey, he's got nine months experience, what's the worst that could happen? There aren't any Somalian Pirates in the Carribean and the Kraken died in the third Johnny Depp movie.

The Internet does make idiotic, spur of the moment purchases easier, as is stated. So he is admitting that his very purchase of this boat was a stupid idea. So was buying a Match.com account to find a young lady to abduct.

Topping it off: "Is there anything else you would like to know?" Apparently, he makes money... and that's great. But I think there is also a halfway decent chance that he owns an island where he hunts human beings for sport.

Maybe this guy is Aladdin. Or maybe he kills people and disposes of their bodies out at sea al la Dexter Morgan. Who knows... he spent all of his self-description in the first two lines of the email. I'm sure his profile has plenty of additional illumination. But gut feelings say it's probably best to run, run fast, and never look back.

Or maybe this whole thing was a joke.

He said he was funny?

Dating Do's, Don'ts, and Doh!'s

Unlocking the mysteries of the opposite sex can be as difficult for a heterosexual man as figuring out what the point of Lost was.

Men have long pondered profound questions such as—“why is my girlfriend angry that I shot her with a paintball when she wasn’t on my team?”—with few results.


Women on the other hand have managed to successfully distract male attention from hours-long Halo 3 tournaments, and often don’t need as much help to keep men’s attention.


Warning to women: the longer the writing sample on one’s t-shirt, the longer men will have their eyes aimed at chest-level.

Second warning to women: certain bra sizes may slow reading speed


Let’s be honest: western women solved the puzzle of seducing men ages ago with the invention of the fig-leaf push-up bra. The ladies who prefer the identity-cloaking burqa presumably rely on the imagination of their suitors.
I supposed some men prefer to close their eyes and point to a menu when ordering—I don’t pretend to quite “get it”.

In fairness, I admit that I don’t truly have a full grasp on the American/western woman, aside from what can be gathered from reading a few Cathy cartoons.
An insatiable obsession for chocolate?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KbCT5fXdhhc


But in my humble and meandering experience, I think I have picked up on a few dating “do’s”, “don’ts”, and (al la Homer Simpson) “D’OH’s”.


Do: Bring flowers to an important date.
Don’t: Bring fake flowers to anything.
D’oh! These roses have the Wal-Mart markdown sticker on them still?

Do: Mind your grooming.
Don’t: in polite company, indulge in body sounds. Or smells.
D’oh! Is it laundry month already?

Do: Talk about interesting and relatable topics.
Don’t: Monologue.
D’oh! Generally Accepted Accounting Principles aren’t good table talk?

Do: (Eventually) show your lady where and how you live.
Don’t: Tell women about your man-cave. I don’t know a whole lot about women, but I know this—women don’t like caves.
D’oh! This is my Dungeons & Dragons room…

Do: Show your sensitive side.
Don’t: Cry during Bambi.
D’oh! Sensitive Brendon Frasier from Bedazzled.