Saturday, August 7, 2010

Dating Do's, Don'ts, and Doh!'s

Unlocking the mysteries of the opposite sex can be as difficult for a heterosexual man as figuring out what the point of Lost was.

Men have long pondered profound questions such as—“why is my girlfriend angry that I shot her with a paintball when she wasn’t on my team?”—with few results.

Women on the other hand have managed to successfully distract male attention from hours-long Halo 3 tournaments, and often don’t need as much help to keep men’s attention.

Warning to women: the longer the writing sample on one’s t-shirt, the longer men will have their eyes aimed at chest-level.

Second warning to women: certain bra sizes may slow reading speed

Let’s be honest: western women solved the puzzle of seducing men ages ago with the invention of the fig-leaf push-up bra. The ladies who prefer the identity-cloaking burqa presumably rely on the imagination of their suitors.
I supposed some men prefer to close their eyes and point to a menu when ordering—I don’t pretend to quite “get it”.

In fairness, I admit that I don’t truly have a full grasp on the American/western woman, aside from what can be gathered from reading a few Cathy cartoons.
An insatiable obsession for chocolate?

But in my humble and meandering experience, I think I have picked up on a few dating “do’s”, “don’ts”, and (al la Homer Simpson) “D’OH’s”.

Do: Bring flowers to an important date.
Don’t: Bring fake flowers to anything.
D’oh! These roses have the Wal-Mart markdown sticker on them still?

Do: Mind your grooming.
Don’t: in polite company, indulge in body sounds. Or smells.
D’oh! Is it laundry month already?

Do: Talk about interesting and relatable topics.
Don’t: Monologue.
D’oh! Generally Accepted Accounting Principles aren’t good table talk?

Do: (Eventually) show your lady where and how you live.
Don’t: Tell women about your man-cave. I don’t know a whole lot about women, but I know this—women don’t like caves.
D’oh! This is my Dungeons & Dragons room…

Do: Show your sensitive side.
Don’t: Cry during Bambi.
D’oh! Sensitive Brendon Frasier from Bedazzled.

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