Happy Sssst Patty's Day

Antifreeze, or beer? Taking all bets!

Today is Saint Patrick's Day! This is the one time of the year that drinking a green beer will lead to vomitting.... and be ok! Heck, it's more than ok.... it's a celebration!

According to legend, St Patrick chased the sinful snakes out of Ireland in ancient times, which is why the Irish are so renowned for not sinning too much. Or drinking!


St Patrick may have had an easy time chasing the snakes out, since evidence points to the fact that no snakes having ever lived in Ireland to begin with. Some nay-sayers may then question why we celebrate him so animatedly....

To that, I say this: Quiet You! I submit that if there WERE no snakes to chase out, that simply expedited St Patrick's serpent-chasing. Just like how I take credit for the absence of Grizzly Bears in the office right now. Where's my bonus???


Of course, hardcore Patty fans will dispute this; some will insist that the legends are true no matter what the evidence. Somehow those people also refuse to worship me when I show them my ability to walk on water while we go ice-skating.


In any case, Saint Patrick is a man worth celebrating... every March 17th! After all, he very well may have had a moustache like those smart Guiness guys!!!

(Brilliant actually refers to their moustaches)

Because the holiday falls on the day of St Patrick's death, an important question must be raised: who now guards Ireland from a NEW snake invasion?

Could the Third Strike introduce an invasive species to Ireland, where they would thrive due to the immediate natural camouflage of the Land of 1000 Greens? I would give the snakes 3 months before they start running the Emerald Tiger like their own personal piggy bank, making me the de facto ruler of the island....

Lucky for everybody else, Samuel L. Jackson is always on the look out for criminal snakes. Get these mother f***ing snakes off my mother f***ing island.

If Saint Jackson's hard work isn't enough, Ireland can always combine the legacy of St. Patrick with the Springfield tradition of Whacking Day: Springfield residents hunt snakes to the tune of Barry White.

"Whacking Day" is popular amongst 12 year old boys

So everyone grab a Guiness & Jameson! Watch your favorite scenes from classic Irish-themed films like The Boondock Saints, The Departed, and Leprechaun 5: In the Hood!

Maybe you can even practice your Parseltongue... although you might just sound like a drunk. Still, if the practice pays out, being elevated to sainthood would make it worth the wait. Just like Guiness.

**Author's note: Thank you to Lee for the Samuel L. Jackson joke**

Pi Day

Today is a good day for things to come full circle. It's Pi Day... March 14th. Or, if you're still not getting it, 3/14.

How do we celebrate the pi in our lives? My recommendation is to hug a stranger, wrapping them with a perfect circle of love. Alternatively, listening to A Perfect Circle is a lot less likely to get you socked in the gut, but it is much more likely to be depressingly emo.

I'm not Mathematician,  but that circle looks like it actually needs improvement. *Sigh* Rock Stars...

The safest way to satisfyingly celebrate Pi day is to eat some celebratory pies! Pies are so amazing that we make them out of pretty much everything; we even have pie-eating contests to show who can appreciate the most pies without vomiting.

Third Strike is here to help you navigate through the 360 degrees of pie.


Most pies are 6 degrees from Kevin Bacon. Kevin Bacon owns a small pie-making business that keeps kosher just to baffle people. It's called "Kevin Bacon's Baconless Pies". The company is expected to declare bankruptcy this Friday.

Types of Pies

Savory Pies

• Bacon and egg pie: Kevin Bacon's favorite
• Butter pie: For those who have lost the will to live
• Chicken and mushroom pie: Be careful with the shrooms.
• Corned beef pie: I never figured out how beef can be corned, at least not in any way I want to know.
• Cottage pie/Shepherds' pie: Surprisingly good for English food
• Game pie: too gamey.
• Fish pie: Fish belong in stick form
• Homity pie: Wtf?
• Meat pie: Kind of un-American
• Pasty: Test in winter
• Pizza pie: Technically not a pie, but screw that. I'm not the pie police.
• Pork pie: That sounds like a good insult to call someone
• Pot pie: A safe alternative to shroom pie
• Quiche: Technically a pie, but pizza isn't? What a country.
• Scotch pie: Sign me up. Now.
• Curry pie: Don't sign me up.
• Stargazy pie: Whoever named this had their head in the clouds
• Steak pie: Why have hamburger when you can have Steak pie
• Steak and kidney pie: I woke up in a tub full of ice with this pie on the window sill. I don't trust it.

Sweet Pies

• Apple pie: Tastes like America
• Banoffee pie: Had to look this up. *drools*
• Blackberry pie: A triumph for black berries everywhere
• Blueberry pie: Just don't get it on your clothes
• Buko pie: Not American
• Cherry pie: Very American.
• Chess pie: Bishop to D4.
• Cream pie: Way too easy to be misinterpreted as something sexual
• Custard pie: Slightly safer than cream pie
• Key lime pie: I can never taste the key.
• Strawberry Rhubarb pie: Combining delicious things

Pies To Avoid

• Cow Pies: You'll never make this mistake twice
• Cheesecake: I know, it's delicious. Unfortunately, this is clearly a pie, and it calls itself a cake. It's like a transexual prostitute: you don't really know exactly what you're getting, and you still won't be sure the next morning... You might need therapy.
• Alpha Beta Pi: Worst party I ever went to in college.

Now you know your way around the pie! Enjoy! Oh, yes... one more thing...

Watch out for pies in the face!

Punxsutawney Phil Predicts 6 More Years of Global Warming

Groundhogs can predict weather, but they can't spell Punxsutawney.

Happy Groundhog Day, everyone!

Today, rodent-lovers everywhere celebrate as they awake to hear the furry prognosticator's winter predictions:

EARLY SPRING COMING OUR WAY!

"I also predict Natalie Portman wins 'Best Actress' for Black Swan."

Most news reports have ended the story with the Pennsylvanian Groundhog NOT seeing his bristly shadow, the indication of an early spring. This year, however, Third Strike has discovered that Phil has a lot more to say:

"I see that I have no shadow, but I have several thoughts on the matter. First of all, I, Punxsutawney Phil, am 120 years old. Most groundhogs live 10 years, but because I create and live in time loops, I age very slowly. Just ask Bill Murray. 

That being said, I'm not as young a fur-ball as I used to be, so please speak up when speaking to me. Also, please stay off my lawn.

 Anyhow, I've recently noticed that smokestacks have been creating smog clouds that keep me from seeing my shadow; I'm suspicious that this may be influencing my predictions and contributing to this year's early Spring.

In fact, my shadow has been looking more and more like a  badger, which, as everyone knows, means Global Warming will probably increase for the next 6 years, contingent on Cap and Trade Policy."

It's strange that a groundhog would make such grounded climate forecasts and not receive substantial news coverage. It's a clear indication that the conservative media is attempting to cover up evidence of global warming. The liberal media, on the other hand, ignores woodchucks due to their radical views on logging.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could clearcut a forest without the EPA getting involved?

Breaking News: Santa Reconsiders Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Following the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, signed by President Obama this morning, news sources are reporting that Santa Claus is also reconsidering his position on allowing gay elves to work in his workshop.

The North Pole has remained torn on this issue for several years; one elf (who requested to remain anonymous) was quoted by Third Strike:

"Have you been up to the North Pole lately? It's freezing up here, Global warming or not. Sometimes we have to huddle together to combine our body heat. You don't want to know it's not a candy cane in the other elf's pocket when that happens."

"Just because I want to be a dentist and I like other men doesn't make me less of an elf!"

Other elves have been much more open to the idea of allowing gay elves to work openly in the workplace. Smiley the Elf was quoted:

"Of course I knew some of the elves were gay. When Papa Elf came up with the ThunderCats toy line, there was no question in my mind. But its not like kids are opening presents and thinking 'I sure hope a gay elf didn't make this.' Why not let him be open about who he is?"

Papa the Elf also designs outfits for Lady Gaga.

 Santa has previously held the position that he would like to wait for the results of a survey on elf morale. The survey indicated that the repeal could viably take place while continuing toy production without interruption before next Christmas. Nonetheless with this Christmas' legislative season almost over, few expected Santa to take drastic step towards elf-equality.

Santa has recently begun adjusting his position this on the subject today, leading many to believe he may make an announcement just prior to his Christmas Eve work schedule. Earlier this year, he gave a speech to the Gay Elf Alliance (GEA):

"I represent the Christmas spirit. The Christmas spirit is about love, about acceptance, about caring; it's not about exacting ones' beliefs and judgments on what other consenting adults do. As long as everyone is asleep before I come down the chimney, nobody will end up on my naughty list for the reason of  loving someone else.

Christmas is a hectic season for us, and we have a tight schedule and a heavy workload. We should look forward to the day when every able-and-willing elf is not just allowed, but encouraged, to make toys."

Unlike most Communist Dictators, Santa remains open to lobbying. Most notably, the surprise combination of Harvey Milk and the Cookie Monster (founding The Association of Cookie and Milk) formed in the 1970s has had growing support in recent years. Several meetings with Santa have left crumbs of hope.