Monday Moustache: Ho, Ho, Mo

The twentieth post in a recurring segment on moustaches.



Today's moustache:

Santa Clause

The Third Strike has been happy to spend a great deal of time on the topic of Santa. Frankly the guy (despite Third Strike's recent character assassination, worthy of Rita Skeeter) is worthy of some adoration. After all, he gives presents to children. So what if he's a Communist? So what if he's lagging behind the tide of elfish social issues? A man (or woman's) moustache is representative of the boldness and integrity of the individual's face... not his/her mistakes

Third Strike rarely chooses a Monday Moustache accompanied by a beard. Distracting from a moustache with a beard is like putting a steak into a hamburger bun.

Santa Clause might disappoint children; perhaps they do not believe he exists. Perhaps one of them did not receive the Lego Star Wars Millennium Falcon he asked for. Still waiting Santa...

But Santa's warm moustache and beard will be there in the local mall waiting to comfort children anyways. Sit in the lap and feel the magic. When I say that to women, they get upset for some reason.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Merry Christmas from Third Strike!

Merry Christmas from Third Strike!


Third Strike's gift to readers: Rob's first video on the blog. Amanda beat him to it ages ago.

Breaking News: Santa Reconsiders Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Following the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, signed by President Obama this morning, news sources are reporting that Santa Claus is also reconsidering his position on allowing gay elves to work in his workshop.

The North Pole has remained torn on this issue for several years; one elf (who requested to remain anonymous) was quoted by Third Strike:

"Have you been up to the North Pole lately? It's freezing up here, Global warming or not. Sometimes we have to huddle together to combine our body heat. You don't want to know it's not a candy cane in the other elf's pocket when that happens."

"Just because I want to be a dentist and I like other men doesn't make me less of an elf!"

Other elves have been much more open to the idea of allowing gay elves to work openly in the workplace. Smiley the Elf was quoted:

"Of course I knew some of the elves were gay. When Papa Elf came up with the ThunderCats toy line, there was no question in my mind. But its not like kids are opening presents and thinking 'I sure hope a gay elf didn't make this.' Why not let him be open about who he is?"

Papa the Elf also designs outfits for Lady Gaga.

 Santa has previously held the position that he would like to wait for the results of a survey on elf morale. The survey indicated that the repeal could viably take place while continuing toy production without interruption before next Christmas. Nonetheless with this Christmas' legislative season almost over, few expected Santa to take drastic step towards elf-equality.

Santa has recently begun adjusting his position this on the subject today, leading many to believe he may make an announcement just prior to his Christmas Eve work schedule. Earlier this year, he gave a speech to the Gay Elf Alliance (GEA):

"I represent the Christmas spirit. The Christmas spirit is about love, about acceptance, about caring; it's not about exacting ones' beliefs and judgments on what other consenting adults do. As long as everyone is asleep before I come down the chimney, nobody will end up on my naughty list for the reason of  loving someone else.

Christmas is a hectic season for us, and we have a tight schedule and a heavy workload. We should look forward to the day when every able-and-willing elf is not just allowed, but encouraged, to make toys."

Unlike most Communist Dictators, Santa remains open to lobbying. Most notably, the surprise combination of Harvey Milk and the Cookie Monster (founding The Association of Cookie and Milk) formed in the 1970s has had growing support in recent years. Several meetings with Santa have left crumbs of hope.

Santa Claus the Communist

The Third Strike recently had a revelation while discussing Santa Claus.

Santa needs caffeine to deliver all those presents

What is Santa's first name?

The first possibility is that Santa's first name is... well... Santa.

"Santa" seems more of a title, like "Mr", "Doctor", or "Your Holiness". So Third Strike quickly ruled out that option.

The next contending name has to be Nick. As in St. Nick. Christmas movies have affirmed this suspicion.

 That name is short for St. Nicholas, as in Nikolaos of Myra. Since Myra is a place, I suppose that Nicholas could be a first name or a last name-- let's table that one for the moment.

The next name, of course, would be Chris Kringle. Or is it Kris Kringle? Whatever.

Chris is absolutely his first name in this case. But for Santa, is Chris a first name, or the first name.

Third Strike came to the conclusion that Santa's full name is most likely Santa Chris-Nick Claus. You can forget about us calling him "Piere Noel", France. It's not gonna happen.

Hmmmm... Chris-Nick, ChrisNick. KrisNick?

That name is obviously extremely Russian. And if "Santa" enjoys having children substitute his name with that title, that seems awfully suspicious. You know what other Russians has a title that can replace his name? CZAR!

It's a known fact that communist dictators universally enjoy milk and cookies.

That's right, children. Santa is a Communist. Why did you think that he is always giving presents away for free like some state-run welfare program? He is even wearing red suit while he breaks into your home. Question Santa at your own peril, for he rules the North Pole with an iron sleigh. 

As for Santa's Communist system? Elves, clearly, are those whom are most capable of making toys. If you've ever seen a Santa's village, you will have to admit that Christmas elves are talented; who else can build a Playstation 3 at a woodworking station? That's amazing!

Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?

As Marx said: 

"From each according to his ability, to each according to his need"

Elves produce the toys for you children, and you will consume them. Oddly, children of rich parents need more toys than the children of poor children, showing a creeping increase of capitalist values into the Communist Christmas spirit. Capitalism, naturally, states that rich children deserve more, because it is their birthright to be spoiled little bastards.