Closet Comic Book Movies (Part 1)

In case you hadn't notice, I like comic books. And comic book movies. And cartoons that were meant for children. Spongebob? Amazing.


I'm unabashed making this confession; the fondness is rooted deep in the bowels of my soul. Heh... Bowels.

There also is a steadily growing community of uber-dorks that are breaking through their original packaging and coming out of the comic-book closet. This is evident by the gigantic crowds at the Comic Cons (New York, San Diego, and the other spin-offs).

Still, there are plenty of haters out there no matter the number of lightsaber-wielding Jedi show up to reenact their favorite scene from Attack of the Clones. My favorite part is when Natalie Portman shuts down Hayden Christensen.


I think it might be the capes that drives people away. In reality, capes are kind of silly-- and not warn by intimidating people. You don't scare people by walking down the street in a cape, and The Incredibles even showed them to be a costume design flaw.

What a lot of the haters don't realize is that there are several comic book or comic-book-inspired shows, characters, and films in hiding. Plenty of stories are based on graphic novels and comic book source material-- and are not blatantly obvious. The Third Strike is here to preach to the choir... errr... educate us all... on those films that have their secret origin with panels and thought bubbles.

1. Road to Perdition

This comic book film taught me that "perdition" means "hell and damnation", and that Tom Hanks can be a hitman. Tom Hanks as a bad guy? I think perdition froze over.


2. A History of Violence

Viggo Mortensen can kick ass in comic book films, not just Middle Earth. In either case, he has a mysterious past.

3. 30 Days of Night
A vampire movie you shouldn't hate. Here is a flow chart on why it's ok:

Oh, yeah, and it's also a comic book vampire movie. See also: Blade.


4. Alien vs. Predator
That's right! Before they battled on screen, these two movie titans duked it out in their own comic books. They both have also seperately fought Batman. No, really!

5. Wanted


This film was a very loose translation of an ultra-violent comic. Then it was decided to be translated into a film. And Angelina Jolie was cast as the same "stoic femme fatale" character she always plays. But... with tattoos. I liked her more as Tigress in Kung Fu Panda, but... that's just me.

More to come!

Monday Moustache: Sidekick 'Stache

The sixteenth post in a reccurring segment on moustaches.



Today's moustache:

Luigi


Not everyone can be number one.
Hell, sometimes you don't even get the bronze medal, let alone gold.

But just because it's not you on the awards pedestal... or your name on the building... doesn't mean that you don't provide an invaluable role to what goes on inside. I sound like my boss. FML.

By that token, Luigi might not have his name on (most) Mario games, but his presence creates something even greater than himself: Moustached Multiplayer.

Luigi is Mario's twin brother, and like his pudgy bro he also sports a fetching 'stache. While they're extremely similar, Luigi is known for being slightly taller, thinner, and gangrene...er.

Together, these two open up the option of plugging in that extra controller and having an adventure with a friend. It's a much happier world where we are not forced to play video games in a dark basement by ourselves.

Both the brothers fight their nemesis Bowser and his army of Goombas and Koopas, yet they still have time to play tennis. At the end of the day, it's older brother Mario who gets his name on the video-game packaging. See the Monday Moustache for (Super) Mario to see a list of his accolades for more moustache glory.

Are they so different, though?
Behold, the power of color rendering! Where once there was  Red and Brown, now there is GREEN and WHITE!

And it ain't easy being green.

Luigi is just as lovable as Mario, and he even appears to be in slightly better shape. He is a devoted brother, constantly assisting Mario with his princess-rescuing levels. Yet no matter the levelness of the stats, Luigi gets pigeonholed as a "sidekick" to the industrious Mario. Luigi only has one game to his name: Luigi's Mansion.  That game pertains of a haunted mansion where he had to work as a Ghostbuster. Granted, he gets a mansion to begin with, but c'mon. It's haunted.


Luigi's problem is obvious: he needs a better agent. Or maybe a publicist.

Team Perfect

One could argue that Mario & Luigi are a dynamic duo, and not the Batman & Robin kind (because let's face it, nobody wants to be a Robin).

But Mario & Luigi aren't quite like the quintessential duo, Peanut Butter & Jelly. Neither Peanut Butter nor Jelly pull a Diana Ross and act as the prima donna; there is no leader and no follower. Instead they act together in concert with perfect harmony. The same can't be said about Luigi; he goes where Mario tells him to go.



Luigi is a valiant and worthy creature, so I recommend to him this: keep working on the moustache. Mario has a fabulous, optimistic moustache, but he has not won the moustache race by a long shot. After all, Luigi had a green moustache at one point (see picture above). That's pretty rockin'.

We thought Luigi was Italian, like Mario, but in a pixilated version he clearly has green hair... is it possible? Could Luigi be Irish? Is his twin-brother actually from another mother?


Or does he have Moustache Gangrene?


Luigi's hair brown when 3 Dimensions, but that may be an extraordinary deception meant to fool us.

After all, Avatar was a good movie in 3-D.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

And remember...

The Airline Security Hokey-Pokey

The media has been squawking about the most recent controversies of that beloved comedy pariah, airlines. Specifically, the TSA has been under scrutiny for its new pat-down procedures for flyers-- those who do not make it through the body-scanning X-Ray machine (surely no health risks...) can get romanced by an intimate personal screening.

This is my airplane impression! Get it?

A new American Internet hero has emerged from the policy: the "Don't touch my junk" guy. This gentleman was concerned about the familiarity with his nether-regions that the TSA agent was going to have.

The Third Strike will neither condone nor condemn the new policy; that is what everyone else is for. But if you're having anxiety about flying for the holidays, then we will provide you with these "Fun Ways to Play with the TSA" to ease your mind. A little fun at the airport will make your groping go by more quickly. Or at least it will be amusing.


*Disclaimer*: these games might lead to detention, longer lines, and hatred from other passengers.

1. Wear a fanny pack full of random items. A fanny pack is the least threatening accessory ever invented. It is so innocent it has been relegated to the hopeless and power-walking moms. And THAT makes it extremely suspicious. When the TSA agents ask you to open it only to see A Barrel of Monkeys, rogue Scrabble pieces, some Lego Jedi, a laser pointer, and electrical tape, their imagination will go wild with what kind mischief you're up to.

2. Wear rip off-pants. These might be hard to find. I don't think they're in style for anyone outside of the NBA, but you can have a great moment with security. "Strip search? You GOT IT!" *cue dance music*

3. Wear lead-lined underpants. I don't think this breaks any laws, and when asked you can say that you are simply making sure that your junk does not go sterile from overexposure to X-Ray. This way, Superman will also not be able to see what you are packing.


4. Put your clothes on backwards. Again, this isn't illegal. Sure is suspicious though. Hey, this is a free country, and if I think my Lee Dungarees look better with a fly in the rear then that is my right as an American Citizen. Inside-out is also a safe alternative and is very "Back to the Future Part 2".

5. Start purring during your pat down. OK, so you've probably been identified as a suspicious person if you've done all of the above. Now they're going to begin patting you down, including your bathing suit/lead underwear area. Now would be a good time to make any animal sounds, really. Purring is a safe option, but if you start barking, mooing, or doing your best impression of a goat, at no point will it be less shocking. Again, is this illegal? I'm not a lawyer, so I don't know.
I'm going to pretend I am one and say no.

Have fun, and don't forget to send us a post card from Guantanamo Bay!

Movember

Obviously we stumbled upon this entirely too late. But this contest is clearly harnessing the mighty power of moustache to help do some real good: cure cancer!

For those of you not aware, this issue strikes close to the Third Strike. See Mandy's Killing Alice blog for her fight against Hodgkin's lymphoma and see how incredibly bad-ass she is.

Is 7 days left in November enough to grow a moustache? Quick, someone replace my facewash with Miracle-Grow!!!

Monday Moustache: Mondiddly Moustacherino

The fifteenth post in a reoccurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:

Ned is excited to be on Third Strike

Ned Flanders

Ned Flanders is America's favorite neighborino. He is an eternally patient man who graciously puts up with the antics of his next-door neighbors, the Simpsons.

What's more, Ned gave the moustache a nickname in an early season: he calls it his "nose neighbor". Homer once asked him to shave it because it was making him look "suspicious"... but only because Ned had the audacity to ask Homer to stop swearing in front of his children. Frankly, Ned's most suspicious characteristic is his constant mix of a green sweater and pink collared shirt. A moustache has nothing on an unshakable grip on style.

Ned has had more bad luck than a typical cartoon character (sans Wile E. Coyote, whose luck is "absolute zero" on the Lucky Charms Scale). Ned's time on The Simpsons has seen a house  blown down in a hurricane, a wife dying in a tragic T-shirt cannon accident, and a new business gone near-bankrupt. Nevertheless he faces his problems with a smile... and anger-suppressing pseduo-words. Like "diddly".

What keeps his smile protected? His moustache. It's like a soft, hairy smile helmet. Those whiskers are a Springfield Institution, and even the likes of Mr. Burns has to envy Ned's "moustache fortitude". Moustachitude?

The more time writing, the harder it is to get Ned and his moustache out of my mind. I now have the strong desire to greet strangers with a hug, a smile, and a howdily-doodily. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, we all learn from Flanders to be thankful that things are pretty much... okily-dokily.

Don't mind the stranger groping you at the airport, it's just the TSA. Wait, he doesn't work here?

...Stupid Sexy Flanders.

Alien Worlds & No Imagination

In the movies, people spend lots of time on other planets. It doesn't matter if it's because the Earth has gone through some sort of crisis, humans are mining Unobtanium, or maybe the character was just born on a distant planet's moisture farm. The point is that now we're hanging out on some God-forsaken Volcano Planet.

Or Desert Planet.

Or Jungle Planet.

OR Planet of the Apes. Wait, no... that last one WAS Earth. You blew it up. You... maniacs. Damn you all to hell.

Looking at a map of the Earth today, I noticed that all of these "typecast" planets stem from a lackluster scarcity of imagination. Think about it:

Earth has volcanoes.

...and deserts

...and jungles

...and really, really cold places.

...and cities.

Hell, Earth is about as diverse a planet as they come. Granted, other planets might not be. Mars is pretty much red, lifeless, and dusty. Venus is covered in toxic gas. And most of the other planets in the solar system are uniform in their terrain. But the ONE planet that we know sustains life nurtures all SORTS of life. In fact, if anything, Earth is an ocean planet, not a... err... land planet... since the Earth is over 70% covered with sea water.

Looking at the life-sustaining planets of fiction, you get a completely different picture:

Dune: Planet Arrakis


Dune is a great book that explores space-aged politics in an oligarchical, interstellar society. But dammit... the planet Arrakis is a giant desert covered with giant sand-worms. The book has some vague references to the thought of terraforming the planet, but those are mostly pipe dreams.  This place just so happens to exist as a naturally life-sustaining planet even though it rose up with no water, no oceans, and no real explanation on how a complete is going to lead to the creation of life at all. I want a Slurpee now.


Star Wars: Tatooine


Take away the giant worms. Replace them with "Dewbacks" and Mark Hamill. Replace Dune's Fremen with Sandpeople. Add some crappy prequels. And now we have Tatooine, home of nothing but desert and terrible child actors to play Anikan Skywalker. So, so, so disappointing.


Star Wars: Coruscant


This one might be a little more lost on the less nerdy: In Star Wars, Coruscant is the Old Republic's capital planet (yeah, that's right. A planet is the capital) where the Galactic Senate meets, and some other stuff happens that may or may not fit into crappy analogies for Western Political Philosophies. These political revelations are then mused by more terrible actors. I'm looking at you, Hayden.


The point of including this one is simple: A whole planet that is a city. Are we seeing a theme here? Maybe Coruscant is supposed to be some "cleverly hidden" metaphor for Washington D.C.: it is completely dependent on other planets to sustain the fat cats who live there spending tax dollars. It also is remarkable how almost anyone can breathe there, no matter what species they are.


Avatar: Pandora


Although this movie is sort of crappy, I must admit that Avatar shows a fair amount of a) biodiversity and b) different terrain. It goes from jungle to floating mountain jungle, and there are rumors that Avatar 2 will have lots of scenes in the oceans of Pandora (without having to go to an "ocean planet"). Thank our lucky stars.


But since I'm at risk of speaking kindly about Avatar, let me make fun of it for another (related) reason.
Why the F%$# is everything blue? The people are blue (Ok, fine, the Na'vi. We have to be politically correct about our fictional races now too???) The wild dog-things are blue. The giant iguana-dinosaur is blue, and the cow-deer-hammerhead-sharks are blue.

The F%&*ing planet is covered with green plants. The laws of nature might make more sense on Earth, but shouldn't survival of the fittest mean that camoflague would work best making people GREEN? But then you wouldn't have pretty contrast.

If some smart ass says that lots of the Pandora jungle lights up blue at night, guess what? No one cares. And you're still wrong, because the Na'vi aren't nocturnal. That's how Jake Sully woke up with a Bulldozer on his head or something... they went to sleep after having freaky hair-braid sex. That might take care of the wild-dogs, but everything else is awake during the day.

There are plenty more planets, and I might attack them like a Death Star later for their completely absurd uniformity. Don't think I've forgotten the forest planet (oh, excuse me... moon) Endor with its silly Ewoks.

Am I crazy here? What PLANET am I ON?