Monday, November 15, 2010

5 Fictional Jobs That Are More Fun Than Real Ones

For those lucky souls who haven't found out the hard way, working in the Federal Bureaucracy isn't much fun. I don't talk about it in this blog much because this is my escape from the mind-numbing, soul-destroying agony that the agencies and (perhaps worse) consulting companies that try to stamp out any possible capability of creative independent thought.

But there must be other ways to make a living that are far more enjoyable, right?
No wait, right.

Putting together my resume, I have narrowed down what are clearly my best pursuits to become an actually-contributive member of society.

As seen on "Dirty Jobs" with Mike Rowe

This job isn't actually that hard to get, as seen by the Ghosbuster's decision to hire a token black guy just because he seemed pretty cool. The rules to Ghostbusting the same as the rules in the Men's Room: Don't Cross the Streams.

In practice, this job is kind of like being a glorified exterminator (with some janatorial aspects included). But at the end of the day, if you've stopped the haunting, you can leave your client with more of a mess than when you came.

You might find yourself being attacked by Slimers, the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man, or a crazy portrait man, but remember rule #2: When in doubt, cover it in slime.

Who you gonna call?

Jedi Knight

Once you get trained by a short green mentor, this job is basically a combination of Beat Cop and Warrior Monk.

There are several perks to becoming a Jedi:

1. Access to the Force. You can aim photon torpedoes, lift things with your mind, and convince people of things that aren't true. Fox News uses the Force?

2. Sweet Lightsabers. Finally, all those hours in Fencing Club will pay off!

However, there are some very big cons:

1. Celibacy.... unless you get married in secret. But then you might become Hayden Christensen. Even Natalie Portman isn't worth that sacrifice.

2. Temptation by the Dark Side. Remember how Qui-Gon Jinn uses the Force to manipulate the dice and win a bet on Tatooine? You know it would be tempting to take those skills to Vegas...

Billionaire Playboy/ Secret Crime Fighter

Iron man does it. Batman does it. Green Arrow does it. And they don't need to be born on the planet Krypton to make them special! All they have to do is amass billions of dollars that they neglect in management while beating petty thieves to the pulp.

It's a great job that could put you on the cover of Forbes Magazine and CrimeFighting Weekly on the same day Imagine: Mark Zuckerberg, scowering Facebook for persoanl data on potential criminals, then stalking them through the night in an armored stalker-mobile.With all the stalking, there is even a clear name for Zuckerberg's alter ego:

The Creeper. But that already exists. Oh well.

Ok, fine, call Mark "the Stalker" then.

_____ Witch of the {Cardinal Direction}

This is a job that finally moves away from law enforcement but still includes acting as a magistrate. It also provides vast options for ones moral compass (as well as geographic). As a ruling witch, one could serve as a Wicked Witch of the North or a Good Witch of the East. A witch can float around in a bubble, ride a broomstick, or just send the flying monkeys to do the damn job for her. There's not much risk of witch-burning; those munchkins have extremely corrupt unions and it will be easy for the Ruling Witch to infiltrate the Lollipop Guild.


This isn't so much of a job as a birthright, but it comes with some responsibilities that become full-time. A Highlander is responsible for experiencing "The Quickening" and hanging out with James Bond, who will then teach you how to sleep with female assassins.

Pro: Hanging out with Sean Connery
Con: Probably getting your head chopped off.
Pro: Immortality
Con: There can be only one.


  1. I'd totally take advantage of the Force if I was a Jedi. Vegas? Nah... More like taking control of entire governments with Mind Tricks.

  2. Uh oh... Isn't that what the Sith do?