Monday, June 6, 2011

Monday Moustache: Stache-arama

This marks the thirty-fifth post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:

Scruffy, the Janitor

"Good News, Everyone!"

Scruffy is the lethargic handyman on TV's Futurama. He's also the proud owner of a mop bucket, a collection of zero-G themed pornography, and a worthy moustache.

Life isn't easy in the year 3000 (and on). Every week, the Planet Express crew has to deal with aliens abducting their noses, surviving a planet of human-hating robots, or dodging the stings of merciless Space Bees. Link to Nicholas Cage's infamous "NOT THE BEES"... HERE.

 And even if none of the crews' missions kill them, the BrainSpawn will all the while try to destroy the universe.

So, yes. A lot seems to be going on a thousand years from now. Matt Groening's universe has come a long way from Homer Simpson.

So what makes Scruffy worthy of a Monday spot?

For all the craziness that the future brings, it's nice to know that some things will always be the same.... like the appreciation of a good moustache. Or adult magazine.

Heck, the guy's name is Scruffy. The moustache is part of his identity. Scruffy and his scruff... they are one.

And they always will be. As he says himself: "Scruffy's gonna die the way he lived."
Reading porn.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Third Strike: The Mysterious Disappearance Finally Explained!

The Third Strike has been suspiciously inactive for some time now. Over a month. The horror!

Even prior to the vast desert of non-content that was May 2011, Third Strike had been staggering for several weeks. Updates were not of the caliber or speediness I expect from an assault weapon, let alone a blog.

Need I write that there have been problems with the Third Strike's muse? Has Third Strike has been attempting to emotionally stabilize the healthy way-- with shots of tequila and drunkenly flirting with the mannequins at the local Macy's?

"Why, hello, ladies. Do you come here often?"

Of course not!
Don't be silly.

No. The Third Strike has been up to far grander and preposterous schemes. What has the Third Strike been up to?

Recent Top Secret Activities of the Third Strike

1. Training a team to raid a Pakistani compound

Originally the raid was meant to find a suitable rehab facility for Amy Winehouse. When Seal Team 6 arrived, they found Bin Laden was there, hiding from his first and third wife (who recently found out about each other). Bloggers across the country began to write how Pakistan is secretly on the moon... where the United States has never actually landed.

2. Attempting to convince Donald Trump to run for President of the United States of the Apprentince. Err.... America.

Reality TV is old news; Fear Factor explored disgusting edible bugs, Survivor put challenges on every island Bear Grylls could approve, and Jersey Shore showed us that American's can pull their way out of the recession and make millions of dollars by simply doing laundry, tanning, and going to the gym. Obviously, to push TV to the next logical limit, someone with really outstanding hair needed to make a phony Presidential Bid. Stephen Colbert?

3. Spreading March Madness to the Middle East

People seem to either love or hate the Miami Heat, but it would be more fun to have a team that genuinely deserves our ire. To fill that void, the United States CIA set up a bracket of crazy dictators; the country with the worst one would win the world's contempt and get attacked during the "Arab Spring". Team Gaddafi won. (Or lost, from his perspective). Gaddafi has been in hiding since civil war broke out in his country, under the alias "Lady Gaga"
"We are not amused."
4. Turning Down Romantic Advances from Dominique Strauss-Kahn

It turns out this Managing Director of the IMF had more in his pocket than loans for farmers in Botswana.
Word on the street is that this guy mistook what freedoms "The Statue of Liberty" represent, and started taking liberties with the "huddled masses" of cleaning ladies.

5. Recruiting Steve Carrell
Michael Scott had his last episode of the office, but that's not all she wrote. Or said. That's what she said.
While I'm sure the man has a lucrative film career ahead of him, The Third Strike has a great shot at recruiting him to write for the blog. OR at least answer his fan mail, cripes!

6. Following Anthony Wiener's Twitter Account.
Why do I follow Wiener's account? Well, lord knows I don't want to be standing in front of it. Anthony has been sending out bizarre photos on his account. Wiener says that the "Junk Shot" is an old pictures of former BP Chief Executive Tony Hayward, who is popularly held responsible for "pretty much everything that gets accidentally spilled out there these days".

Hopefully, there will be more Third Strike to come! Give us some love!