Monday, June 6, 2011

Monday Moustache: Stache-arama

This marks the thirty-fifth post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:

Scruffy, the Janitor

"Good News, Everyone!"

Scruffy is the lethargic handyman on TV's Futurama. He's also the proud owner of a mop bucket, a collection of zero-G themed pornography, and a worthy moustache.

Life isn't easy in the year 3000 (and on). Every week, the Planet Express crew has to deal with aliens abducting their noses, surviving a planet of human-hating robots, or dodging the stings of merciless Space Bees. Link to Nicholas Cage's infamous "NOT THE BEES"... HERE.

 And even if none of the crews' missions kill them, the BrainSpawn will all the while try to destroy the universe.

So, yes. A lot seems to be going on a thousand years from now. Matt Groening's universe has come a long way from Homer Simpson.

So what makes Scruffy worthy of a Monday spot?

For all the craziness that the future brings, it's nice to know that some things will always be the same.... like the appreciation of a good moustache. Or adult magazine.

Heck, the guy's name is Scruffy. The moustache is part of his identity. Scruffy and his scruff... they are one.

And they always will be. As he says himself: "Scruffy's gonna die the way he lived."
Reading porn.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Third Strike: The Mysterious Disappearance Finally Explained!

The Third Strike has been suspiciously inactive for some time now. Over a month. The horror!

Even prior to the vast desert of non-content that was May 2011, Third Strike had been staggering for several weeks. Updates were not of the caliber or speediness I expect from an assault weapon, let alone a blog.

Need I write that there have been problems with the Third Strike's muse? Has Third Strike has been attempting to emotionally stabilize the healthy way-- with shots of tequila and drunkenly flirting with the mannequins at the local Macy's?

"Why, hello, ladies. Do you come here often?"

Of course not!
Don't be silly.

No. The Third Strike has been up to far grander and preposterous schemes. What has the Third Strike been up to?

Recent Top Secret Activities of the Third Strike

1. Training a team to raid a Pakistani compound

Originally the raid was meant to find a suitable rehab facility for Amy Winehouse. When Seal Team 6 arrived, they found Bin Laden was there, hiding from his first and third wife (who recently found out about each other). Bloggers across the country began to write how Pakistan is secretly on the moon... where the United States has never actually landed.

2. Attempting to convince Donald Trump to run for President of the United States of the Apprentince. Err.... America.

Reality TV is old news; Fear Factor explored disgusting edible bugs, Survivor put challenges on every island Bear Grylls could approve, and Jersey Shore showed us that American's can pull their way out of the recession and make millions of dollars by simply doing laundry, tanning, and going to the gym. Obviously, to push TV to the next logical limit, someone with really outstanding hair needed to make a phony Presidential Bid. Stephen Colbert?

3. Spreading March Madness to the Middle East

People seem to either love or hate the Miami Heat, but it would be more fun to have a team that genuinely deserves our ire. To fill that void, the United States CIA set up a bracket of crazy dictators; the country with the worst one would win the world's contempt and get attacked during the "Arab Spring". Team Gaddafi won. (Or lost, from his perspective). Gaddafi has been in hiding since civil war broke out in his country, under the alias "Lady Gaga"
"We are not amused."
4. Turning Down Romantic Advances from Dominique Strauss-Kahn

It turns out this Managing Director of the IMF had more in his pocket than loans for farmers in Botswana.
Word on the street is that this guy mistook what freedoms "The Statue of Liberty" represent, and started taking liberties with the "huddled masses" of cleaning ladies.

5. Recruiting Steve Carrell
Michael Scott had his last episode of the office, but that's not all she wrote. Or said. That's what she said.
While I'm sure the man has a lucrative film career ahead of him, The Third Strike has a great shot at recruiting him to write for the blog. OR at least answer his fan mail, cripes!

6. Following Anthony Wiener's Twitter Account.
Why do I follow Wiener's account? Well, lord knows I don't want to be standing in front of it. Anthony has been sending out bizarre photos on his account. Wiener says that the "Junk Shot" is an old pictures of former BP Chief Executive Tony Hayward, who is popularly held responsible for "pretty much everything that gets accidentally spilled out there these days".

Hopefully, there will be more Third Strike to come! Give us some love!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Monday Moustache: Three Men and a Moustache

This marks the thirty-fourth post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:

Tom Selleck

Get your in your DeLorean, set your flux-capacitor controls to 1987, and rev up to 88 miles-per hour.
The #1 movie of the year, when you arrive? Three Men and a Baby. The breakout star? Tom Selleck's moustache!

Tom Selleck is a well-known actor, as well as an NRA advocate... he strongly supports the 2nd Amendment. (The Right to Bear Moustaches)

Selleck has also starred in TV's Magnum P.I. and made several appearances on Friends. Few people know that he was the original actor cast as Indiana Jones, but was replaced by Han Solo just before filming. George Lucas was hesitant to use Harrison Ford for yet another movie.... I've got a bad feeling about that, George.

Recently Tom made a cameo as Liz Lemon's same-named mustache on 30 Rock.
Liz Lemon, sporting her moustache Tom Selleck

Recently, rumors have emerged that there will be a third installment to the Three Men and a... films. We can only hope that this one will be haunted by an urban legend as well.

Three Men... but only ONE moustache!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Ryan Reynolds May Actually Star in a Good Comic Book Movie

For those who don't live in a Fictional Universe, let me tell you: Green Lantern is one of the most visually stunning comics currently being published.. It's absolutely beautiful!

The series features heroes who can literally create "light constructs" of anything that comes to their mind, so long as they have the Will to do it. Or whatever, listed below.

The newly introduced Emotional Spectrum adds more complexity to the Green-based comic mythology. The existing organizations:

Green Lantern Corp: Powered by Will. Grace not required.
Red Lantern Corp: Powered by Rage. Mostly Windows Vista users.
Sinestro Corp (Yellow Lanterns): Powered by their ability to inspire Fear. E.g. Glenn Beck.
Blue Lantern Corp: Powered by Hope (and powerless without a Green Lantern) Obama needs a Green Lantern
Indigo Tribe: Powered by Compassion. Oprah.
Star Sapphires: Powered by Love. Comprised of mostly crazy ex-girlfriends.
Agent Orange: Just one lantern, Larfleeze, who is powered by his insatiable Greed

I know what you're thinking: what the hell is The Third Strike talking about? This is way too nerdy & complicated.

Basically, it's a bunch of colors attacking each other, okay??? It's awesome. It's visually intoxicating. It's like... a constant War of Rainbows.
From Fox's "When Rainbows Attack"

And now, Green Lantern going to be a movie, starring the best lantern of them all, Hal Jordan.

Ryan Reynolds will be playing Hal, and this won't be his first Super-powered rodeo. However, it MIGHT be his first good one.

So far it's been:
Blade Trinity, as a Vampire
X Men: Origins... Wolverine, as Deadpool
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, as a Male Nurse.

Although those films have been disappointing, fans are hoping that Ryan Reynolds (and the rest of the film) will pull through... and give his fans their brightest day.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Monday Moustache: Moustache Knows Best

This marks the thirty-third post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:


That's right! HULK HOGAN, a man whose name is best spelled with caps! Actually, his name is Terry Gene Bollea. But that name sucks.

The Monday Moustache has had many champions in its ranks: Steve Prefontaine, Burt Reynolds, and the Crazy Moustache Guy who I assume is now the Governor of New York. But NONE of those heroes were the dominating force of an entirely phony sport. By "entirely phony" we mean that the competition is rigged... as opposed to NASCAR, where driving in ciricles is a sport. That's not fixed!

Anyways, we're fairly confident that the HULK could kick all of those other peoples' asses. Or at least pin them for a 3-count.

HULK HOGAN was born a mild-mannered child, who excelled in school and began a career as a tranquil physicist. Then, in a freak tanning bed accident, HULK was hit with a barrage of Gamma radiation and transformed into a raging, musclebound monster.

The madder HULK HOGAN gets, the greener he becomes
Wanting to put his new monster-ism to good use, HULK joined the most noble and distinguished industry to work in: professional wrestling.

HULK quickly found his way into the WWF, Vince McMahon's successful wrestling company. The WWF would later be renamed the WWE, after The Iron Sheik lost a cage match against a Giant Panda and surrendering the naming rights to the World Wildlife Federation. Who knew that Pandas could do an incapacitating Body Slam?

Hogan has drifted to other wrestling organizations throughout the years, but time has kept him tied to the WWE. Eventually, in his older age, HULK closelined his way into the second-most-noble industry in the United States: reality TV.

Hogan Knows Best introduced America to HULK's personal and family problems and (more optimistically) his moustache grooming habits. The show was cancelled after problems with his son's drunk driving & Hogan's marital infidelity, leading to the spin-off Brooke Knows Best, following HULK's hot daughter around. That show was cancelled too.

Best Logo EVER! Check out the moustache!

Still, Hogan has been a lucky man, all-in-all. He can thank the lucky horseshoe mustache that keeps growing under his nose for that good fortune. That... and Gamma radiation.

Some people think that HULK HOGAN is funny... Some people think of him as a relic from the 80's. Some people just can't take professional wrestlers seriously. Those people do not live in Minnesota, where they elected one as Governor. HULK HOGAN knows better than to listen to his critics. In fact, that kind of detraction makes him angry. You won't like him when he's angry...


Friday, April 1, 2011


The Third Strike has been nominated for the peak prize in journalistic awesomeness... THE PULITZER PRIZE. SERIOUSLY??? No, seriously?
The Pultizer Prize. I am not making this up.

How, you ask, did a humor blog get nominated? Was it our founding of  The First Church of the Third Strike,where we established ourselves as a church with the equal legal and tax protection?

Perhaps it was our coverage of WikiLeaks (and the upcoming documents revealing the incoming invasion of giant ants...) that brought us to the attention of the board.

Maybe it was our spotlight on the power of mustaches. Whatever it was, I don't know; I looked up the details  about the award this morning.

Apparently, anyone can be an "entrant" for the Pultizer prize; you simply need to be nominated. I'm still trying to figure out who nominated Third Strike. From there, a group of juries select "nominated finalists" who fall under the different categories of the award. Categories have evolved over time... for example, they no longer award the Putlizer for Telegraphic Reporting. You can read more details on Wikipedia.

Anyhow, apparently there at least two new categories this year: Creative-Fiction Blogging and Editorial Blog Writing. Guess which one Third Strike falls under?

Anyways, I'm utterly speechless; Third Strike is a tiny dot in the gargantuan blogging universe, and I appreciate all the support of my readers. Thank you all for inspiring me, and making this possible.
**April Fools**

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Throwback Thursday: Japanese Radiation Fears on the Rise

(New York, New York) - As thousands of Japanese, still awaiting answers on the fate of their loved ones nearly three weeks after an immense earthquake and subsequent tsunami, Americans in New York City are now beginning to feel the effects.  Trace amounts of radiation have been detected in rain water, runoff and in bananas across the city.

Representatives to the Nuclear Regulatory Commission were surprised to find a large concentration of deadly Iodine-143 radiation near a local pet shop in Brooklyn.  Radiation is said to exceed 5000 times the norm.

In unrelated news, crime is on the rise near the local pet shop.  Among the items stolen: 4 pet turtles, 4 yards of blue, red, orange and purple fabric, various weapons and 432 pizzas.  A female suspect in a tight yellow jumpsuit has been taken into questioning at the local precinct.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Monday Moustache: Smokey and the Moustache

Today marks the thirty-second post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:

Burt Reynolds

YES, it's him! Ladies want him, men want to be him, and moustaches want to be on him. He's Burt-Freaking-Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds has made several lifetime accomplishments, including the films White Lightning and its sequel Gator. Animated super-spy Sterling Archer is an enormous fan.
Burt Reynolds' #1 fan, wearing a homage fake moustache

Burt also starred in other hits, such as Smokey and the Bandit, Boogie Nights, The Longest Yard, and most famously, Sesame Street: The Movie.

Burt's moustache migrated north for the film, disguised as a unibrow... it somehow looks less bad-ass.

We should hand it to Burt Reynolds for aging gracefully; he is the king of the silver foxes. And most importantly, throughout the years... he has kept his glorious moustache!

There are no grey hairs south of Burt's nose
Burt has been romantically linked with a bundle of moustache-loving starlets, including two short-lived marriages. They may have been short lived for quotes like this:
"Marriage is about the most expensive way for the average man to get laundry done."
So.... Burt may not have been the greatest husband?

But when it comes to mustache, no one can question his Deliverance.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Throwback Thursday: Irresponsible Babysitter Loses Kids in Chicago, Parents call for Amber Alert

(CHICAGO, IL) - Local babysitter, and possible Ms. November Playboy Model, Chris Parker has seemingly abducted two children, Brad and Sara Anderson of a Chicago Suburb.  The children were last seen on the side of the expressway in Ms. Parker's Cadillac. The vehicle was later found at a downtown chop shop.  Some unnamed sources have reported that Ms. Parker and the Anderson children along with a pimple faced boy were spotted climbing buildings, riding the 'L', participating in knife fights and signing the blues.

If you spot either of these children, please contact your local authorities.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The Whale That Ate Jaws

My entire world is completely shaken.

People (nerds with too much time on their hands) often argue over who will win in a fight: a shark or a crocodile?
Move over, Alien vs. Predator
This is always a great argument, partly because it's almost impossible to think of a scenario where it could possibly occur. Unless the world's mad scientists start pulling their weight.

Nevertheless, the point is that we like to see nature's badasses battle it out. That's why the Romans watched Russel Crowe fight Ben Hur.

But we've been making a mistake; the question we SHOULD have been asking  is... who will win in a different fight: a Killer Whale or a Great White Shark?
Timmy will learn to swim faster after looking down

Not only is this plausible.... but we HAVE AN ANSWER!!!
Anyone making bets should consider an important formula:
Jaws > Free Willy

That's straight-up math... and that is infallible. OR IS IT? Now taking bets....
Taking bets...
No more bets, please...

It turns out that Willy is the Rocky Balboa of the seas, and will go the distance (and then some) by taking out a Great White!!!!


Pay up. You know you picked Jaws.

What an underdog. Those Great Whites must have been getting too hungry from dreaming all day about eating delicious humans. Orcas used to eat penguins and seals, but started feeling guilty after watching Happy Feet. So now a cluster of Killer Whales have taught each other how to disarm (and then dismember) SHARKS.

On top of the (easy) victory by the Killer Whale, the 100+ other sharks in the area apparently got the hell-out-of-Dodge after the whale attack... implying that they are cowardly bullies.

Screw Shark Week. I'm starting to be terrified of whales. Let's hope they don't figure out how to escape the confines of the ocean.
Oh Dear God, NO!!!

**special thanks to Kelly Whitton, for inspiring/contributing to the bulk of this post**

Monday, March 21, 2011

Monday Moustache: Elementary, My Dear Moustache

Today marks the thirty-first post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:


Dr. John H. Watson is famous for assisting Sherlock Holmes with solving mysteries and defeating Ken Jennings at Jeopardy.

Watson has come in many incarnations: he has been portrayed as a  bad-ass Jude Law and as an animated mouse that Disney renamed "Dawson" for some reason (The Great Mouse Detective). As for the latter, odds are that the character was relabeled to help market the animated film to pro-rodent Dawson Creek fans. Or... to avoid copyright infringement.

In any case, all instances have kept the moustache: the unshakable, defining trait of the character.

At least Mickey didn't make a cameo
Watson is an iconic sidekick and a highly capable doctor, though his reputation was put at Jeopardy (get it???) by the sinister Lord Blackwood. As Robert Downey Jr. so eloquently put it:
"No girl wants to marry a doctor who can't tell if a man's dead or not!"
Watson's recent problems with human anatomy probably stem from the fact that he has now become more machine than man, much like Darth Vader (who also struggled with biology). He has also developed an annoying habit of answering in the form of a question.
A semi-corporeal Watson still has a moustache
Whether he's being depicted by Guy Richie or plugged by IBM, this character is a literary, cinematic, and television classic.

Who is... Watson. Elementary, my dear Trebek.

Friday, March 18, 2011

13-Year-Old Climbs Mount Everest & Puts Dora the Explorer to Shame

The Third Strike, a bit slow on the uptake, has just learned that less than a year ago, in May of 2010, a 13-year-old boy named Jordan Romero climbed to the top of Mount Everest.

That's right, a kid who can't name the state capitals was sitting at the top of the world.

This is all sorts of crazy-- in no small part because of his age. Perhaps his parents "encouraged" him to make this climb, the last of the Seven Summits, the highest point on each continent.
"Jordan, you've failed your fractions quiz. Go climb the Andes."
"Ah, Come on Mom, do I have to?"
 Seriously, this kid was 13 years old??? OK, only 2 months from being 14, excuse me. I mean... I get that watching Hannah Montana re-runs might not have been doing it for you, but hot damn! Yep... he put Dora the Explorer to shame.

To be quite honest, the more I read about climbing Everest, the more this starts striking me as child abuse, no matter how driven a precocious little scamp might be.

For some less-than-pleasant reading, check out a mountain climbing teams' ethical dilemma to leave David Sharp behind to his death. The controversy largely fell on Mark Inglis, who continued his climb (with two prosthetic limbs) without providing assistance for Sharp. Such situations are not unprecedented. In fact, of the roughly 2,700 people who have seen the summit, the mountain has claimed a solid 8% of that number: 216 lives lost to the quest for the summit.

The conditions on the mountain get so dangerous that there is an entire area called the "Death Zone", and bodies often get left where they fall, making them visible even from the MAIN PATH of the mountain.

I'm really not sure this is the kind of thing responsible parents should be injecting into their children. I don't believe for a second that this son-of-a-mountain-climber just happened to have been "inspired by a mural at school". I mean... c'mon.... like Tiger Woods decided to start golf after watching Caddyshack?

So yes, where was I. Ah, yes... Pre-teens making the rest of us look bad.
You too, Justin Bieber.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Happy Sssst Patty's Day

Antifreeze, or beer? Taking all bets!
Today is Saint Patrick's Day! This is the one time of the year that drinking a green beer will lead to vomitting.... and be ok! Heck, it's more than ok.... it's a celebration!

According to legend, St Patrick chased the sinful snakes out of Ireland in ancient times, which is why the Irish are so renowned for not sinning too much. Or drinking!

St Patrick may have had an easy time chasing the snakes out, since evidence points to the fact that no snakes having ever lived in Ireland to begin with. Some nay-sayers may then question why we celebrate him so animatedly....

To that, I say this: Quiet You! I submit that if there WERE no snakes to chase out, that simply expedited St Patrick's serpent-chasing. Just like how I take credit for the absence of Grizzly Bears in the office right now. Where's my bonus???

Of course, hardcore Patty fans will dispute this; some will insist that the legends are true no matter what the evidence. Somehow those people also refuse to worship me when I show them my ability to walk on water while we go ice-skating.

In any case, Saint Patrick is a man worth celebrating... every March 17th! After all, he very well may have had a moustache like those smart Guiness guys!!!
(Brilliant actually refers to their moustaches)

Because the holiday falls on the day of St Patrick's death, an important question must be raised: who now guards Ireland from a NEW snake invasion?

Could the Third Strike introduce an invasive species to Ireland, where they would thrive due to the immediate natural camouflage of the Land of 1000 Greens? I would give the snakes 3 months before they start running the Emerald Tiger like their own personal piggy bank, making me the de facto ruler of the island....

Lucky for everybody else, Samuel L. Jackson is always on the look out for criminal snakes. Get these mother f***ing snakes off my mother f***ing island.

If Saint Jackson's hard work isn't enough, Ireland can always combine the legacy of St. Patrick with the Springfield tradition of Whacking Day: Springfield residents hunt snakes to the tune of Barry White.
"Whacking Day" is popular amongst 12 year old boys

So everyone grab a Guiness & Jameson! Watch your favorite scenes from classic Irish-themed films like The Boondock SaintsThe Departed, and Leprechaun 5: In the Hood!

Maybe you can even practice your Parseltongue... although you might just sound like a drunk. Still, if the practice pays out, being elevated to sainthood would make it worth the wait. Just like Guiness.

**Author's note: Thank you to Lee for the Samuel L. Jackson joke**

Monday, March 14, 2011

Pi Day

Today is a good day for things to come full circle. It's Pi Day... March 14th. Or, if you're still not getting it, 3/14.

How do we celebrate the pi in our lives? My recommendation is to hug a stranger, wrapping them with a perfect circle of love. Alternatively, listening to A Perfect Circle is a lot less likely to get you socked in the gut, but it is much more likely to be depressingly emo.

I'm not Mathematician,  but that circle looks like it actually needs improvement. *Sigh* Rock Stars...
The safest way to satisfyingly celebrate Pi day is to eat some celebratory pies! Pies are so amazing that we make them out of pretty much everything; we even have pie-eating contests to show who can appreciate the most pies without vomiting.

Third Strike is here to help you navigate through the 360 degrees of pie.

Most pies are 6 degrees from Kevin Bacon. Kevin Bacon owns a small pie-making business that keeps kosher just to baffle people. It's called "Kevin Bacon's Baconless Pies". The company is expected to declare bankruptcy this Friday.

Types of Pies
Savory Pies

  • Bacon and egg pie: Kevin Bacon's favorite
  • Butter pie: For those who have lost the will to live
  • Chicken and mushroom pie: Be careful with the shrooms.
  • Corned beef pie: I never figured out how beef can be corned, at least not in any way I want to know.
  • Cottage pie/Shepherds' pie: Surprisingly good for English food
  • Game pie: too gamey.
  • Fish pie: Fish belong in stick form
  • Homity pie: Wtf?
  • Meat pie: Kind of un-American
  • Pasty: Test in winter
  • Pizza pie: Technically not a pie, but screw that. I'm not the pie police.
  • Pork pie: That sounds like a good insult to call someone
  • Pot pie: A safe alternative to shroom pie
  • Quiche: Technically a pie, but pizza isn't? What a country.
  • Scotch pie: Sign me up. Now.
  • Curry pie: Don't sign me up.
  • Stargazy pie: Whoever named this had their head in the clouds
  • Steak pie: Why have hamburger when you can have Steak pie
  • Steak and kidney pie: I woke up in a tub full of ice with this pie on the window sill. I don't trust it.
Sweet Pies
  • Apple pie: Tastes like America
  • Banoffee pie: Had to look this up. *drools*
  • Blackberry pie: A triumph for black berries everywhere
  • Blueberry pie: Just don't get it on your clothes
  • Buko pie: Not American
  • Cherry pie: Very American.
  • Chess pie: Bishop to D4.
  • Cream pie: Way too easy to be misinterpreted as something sexual
  • Custard pie: Slightly safer than cream pie
  • Key lime pie: I can never taste the key.
  • Strawberry Rhubarb pie: Combining delicious things
Pies To Avoid

  • Cow Pies: You'll never make this mistake twice
  • Cheesecake: I know, it's delicious. Unfortunately, this is clearly a pie, and it calls itself a cake. It's like a transexual prostitute: you don't really know exactly what you're getting, and you still won't be sure the next morning... You might need therapy.
  • Alpha Beta Pi: Worst party I ever went to in college.
Now you know your way around the pie! Enjoy! Oh, yes... one more thing...

Watch out for pies in the face!

Domestic Disturbance


Early this month, I apologized for February's poor posting performance, and commit to do better. Alas, here we are in mid-March, and the posting has slowed to record stagnation. For that, I very much apologize.

Recently, the Third Strike has been negotiating the distance between New York City and Washington D.C. As is typical when Washington D.C. is involved, politics are frenzied and change is stuck in a legislative deadlock. Much like The Godfather Part III, the quality work of Washington that DOES get accomplished goes unsung, and the city pulls people "back in" every time they try to get out. It's not that bad a film!

Metaphors are Fun

New York, of course, does not care for politics, and is more about "getting stuff done", and does not particularly care to employ the skills of Washingtonians. New York is a little bit less impassioned and impulsive, and doesn't want Washington D.C. to pack its bags and move to somewhere foolish like New Jersey. Washington D.C. would like to follow its passions and pursue happiness, but the cities are having some difficulties in reaching consensus in the wisdom in that kind of rash audacity.

The result, readers? There have been fewer posts. Washington D.C. has been close to shutting down and has been moving on with life a few weeks at a time... but things are looking up. New York and D.C. are still two amazing places, and they still have a beautiful connection. I-95? And what's more... both places will tough it out, no matter what connection subsists.

The Third Strike is far from done.

Hooray for metaphors

Monday Moustache: I am the Walrus

Today marks the thirtieth post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:

The Walrus

That's right... this week's mustache award goes to... walruses: the owners of nature's little moustache!

The walrus is such an amazing creature that it naturally grows a glorious moustache without the use of mustache wax, trimming scissors, or mustache combs. They don't even use mirrors to admire their superior 'staches... though that is probably for the best, as they would end up enthralled by their gallant reflections like the Greek Narcissus.

One Myth that can't be busted? That hair was stolen from a Walrus

The Walrus has made its way into human culture by many forms, way beyond mankind simply attempting to mimic the mustache.

Lewis Carrol included a story about a Walrus hanging out with a Carpenter and eating some deliciously innocent oysters iThrough the Looking Glass.
See Dogma for the "religious significance" of this story
In the book, Alice at first liked the metafictional Walrus better... but that was until she found out that he was even greedier than the Carpenter. However, Alice was tripping on shrooms when she finally decided that both of them were unsavory characters. After all, oysters are delicious. Stop being so fucking judgmental. Screw Alice. :)

Even John Lennon wanted to be a Walrus.
Told you so.
It is often said that the Walrus has the largest penis of any mammal. However, this might not be true, because Blue Whales are ridiculously big, and they have to mate somehow. I invite readers to Google "big penis" and see what comes up-- I'm not ready to make that plunge yet.

In any case, since the rumor persists, people must at least ASSUME that the walrus is well-endowed... probably because they are so damn awesome.

It's the moustache.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Monday Moustache: Bring in 'da Noise, Bring in 'da Funke

Today marks the twenty-ninth post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:
Tobias Funke

Almost everything in Tobias Funke's online bio is so absurd that it makes Third Strike laugh and snort milk out the nose. Gross.

So just who is this creation by the prolific David Cross, and what's special about his Funkey moustache?

Tobias Funke was originally intended to be a minor character in Arrested Development, but his role was increased when everyone realized how ridiculous David Cross could be. Tobias is a "Never-Nude", which, as Ron Howard narrates it, is exactly what it sounds like.
Tobias at his physical

Tobias was licensed as a therapist and an analyst, making him the first licensed "Anal-rapist". He has a tendency to make the verbal faux pas, and often finds himself in trouble (usually regarding questions to his sexuality) due to his obliviousness. Example: accidentally joining a gay protest while dressed as a pirate, after misunderstanding a joke as a party theme.

After attempting to give CPR to a sleeping (but otherwise healthy) tourist, Tobias lost his medical licenses, and gets inspired to become an actor. Like the many doctors who become actors so they can live the life of a TV doctor (which is typically more interesting than saving real lives, and allows for more hang time with Hugh Laurie), Tobias fails miserably.

So what makes Tobias and his moustache interesting? The Monday Moustache does not get awarded to failures!

Well, following his acting rejections, Tobias decided to find a group-therapy gathering to cure his growing depression. Due to his characteristic misunderstandings, he finds himself mistakenly joining The Blue Man Group.
I feel Blue...
This moustache is an EPIC WIN for introducing the moustache to the formerly 'stache-prejudiced Blue Man Group. Tobias Funke is the Monday Moustache's first Blue person, a milestone for people of unusual color everywhere.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

National Pancake Day!

For those of you who don't know, today is National Pancake Day!
IHOP is giving out a FREE SHORTSTACK of deliciousness to anyone who walks under their blue roof.
The International House of Pancakes is a franchise owned by the United Buttery Nations
IHOP is hoping that the money one would have spent on flapjacks will be donated to their charity of choice: Children's Miracle Network hospitals.

I, for one, am extremely excited about this charity/giveaway. It is predicted to go much better than the Waffle House Awareness Month about the Dangers at Waffle House.

For some reason, pancakes and Twitter go hand in hand. The Third Strike decided to try its hand at some serious tweeting action!

Keeping in mind that I tweet usually about once a month, here is what flapjack glory inspired:

I especially like my first (last) tweet. I imagine that the pancakes were inspired by the democratic revolutions taking place in the Middle East, to break the waffle-iron-fist-tight grasp on Breakfasting Society.

They're hungry for freedom... and blueberries.

Monday, February 28, 2011

For Faking a Stutter, Artie Leaves Colin Firth

Major controversy erupted this Sunday when Colin Firth gave his acceptance speech with full British charm, and absolutely no stutter (although he did admit to nervousness).

Colin won for his role in The King's Speech, in which he plays a stammering King George VI.

This clearly shows that the stutter that Firth was doing was phony! And while we can certainly say well done, shame on him for faking a speech impediment! Who doesn't find that offensive? Everyone.

OK, so he's an "actor, acting". Bull-honkey. That didn't get me out of a ticket when I told the officer I wasn't speeding. I was just reenacting a scene from The Fast and the Furious on I-95.

You know who else faked a stutter? TINA COHEN-CHANG from Glee!

Artie Abrams is sure to be devastated by Colin Firth's betrayal.
Why Colin!? Why!?
Or maybe Jenna Ushkowitz should get an Academy Award for Best Actor.  I know, Best Actress seems more apt. But nobody is going to take that award from Natalie Portman. Besides, she's pregnant! Babies!

All I really know is that I will now have to watch The King's Speech since it has officially been declared a good movie by whatever collection of people it is that decide these things.

Monday Moustache: True Moustache Grit

Third Strike took a little vacation due to a combination of severe writers block and allegations that "work-work" needs to be done on the job. Luckily, we're back, full of spicy zingers, and ready to take on the Internet. ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO HAVE WAITED!

Today marks the twenty-eighth post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:
Matt Damon as Texas Ranger LaBoeuf

Matt Damon is one of those ridiculously good actors who has been nominated for several Academy Awards, ranging from Best Supporting Actor for Invictus to actually winning the Best Original Screenplay for Good Will Hunting. Plus, he kicks some major ass in The Bourne Identity and its sequels.

But never has The Talented Mr. Damon actually won an ACTING Oscar. And that's truly criminal. Yet another year has gone by where Damon's talents went overlooked-- this time for his underrated role in a slightly overrated film, True Grit.

True Grit wasn't all that great a film, all in all; the ending is disappointing and some of the suspense falls flat. However, no one can deny that the performances in the film are fantastic. Jeff Bridges' Rooster Cogburn is a pretty epic portrayal from the beloved "Dude".
"I lost Best Actor to some British stuttering? What about my drunken mumbling!"
While Matt Damon clearly had a supporting role in the film, he had one thing that neither Jeff Bridges, Colin Firth, or the real Texas Ranger Shia LaBeouf had: an epic moustache.

Nice Try, other LaBeouf, but that moustache ain't cuttin' it.
Texas Ranger LaBoeuf carries the movie by impressively sniping off villainous bandits, almost losing his tongue, and fighting an army of Decepticons that are in Egypt for some reason. And then he went to robot heaven...

Hollywood clearly has not heard the cry of the masses for more moustache wins. However, as is common, they've gotten the partial gist of what the people want, and thereby awarded Best Supporting Actor to Christian Bale's beard.
Luckily, no one was fixing lights distractingly during Bale's acceptance speech

Monday, February 14, 2011

Third Strike Loves You!

Valentines Day is here, and men nationwide are discovering that reservations are not just for the Indians. "Native Americans" doesn't sound as funny.... COME ON!

Because Third Strike loves readers, we're going to help the romantically-challenged with some tips for their love lives. What qualifies Third Strike to give dating tips? Well, over the years we have learned much from friends and foes alike about the subtle art of seduction. Stop asking so many questions.

#1 Romance Tip: grow a moustache for your lady
Men (Dating Women):

1. On a date, don't refer to your "Man Cave", "Beer Cave", or "Bat Cave", whether you have one or just dream of having one. For some reason, women don't like caves.

2. No woman will be fooled into thinking an entry-level salesman at Enterprise Rent-a-Car is expecting to retire at 30. "We pick you up" is also the employee dating slogan.

3. There is an inverse relationship between the number of messages you leave, and the interest a woman has in calling you back.

4. Stealing quotes from movies and TV shows will probably work for a while, but be careful; you may get caught, become a phony, or simply run out of material. The same applies for recycling material. Reduce your carbon-dating footprint.

5. If a girl brings you to Comic Con, she probably likes you, and is definitely a keeper.

Coming Soon: Women (Dating Men)