Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Daily Strike: The Third Strike is Now a Church!

As many bloggers (to their horror) have learned, the city of Philadelphia has started taxing bloggers $300 for "making a profit". As this blogger can testify, the cost of this so-called "business license" is a substantial 30,000% of any earnings a blogger is probably going to be making.

Even though the Third Strike is based out of Washington D.C. and New York City, overreactive paranoia is clearly the appropriate response to the infringement of our writing liberties.

Therefore, the Third Strike is claiming tax-exempt status to avoid any future taxes. Hell, if Scientology and Mormonism get tax-exempt status, why can't Pastafarianism? Or a blogging community, for that matter?

The government isn't equiped to measure religious truth-- to do so would be violating First Amendment rights! Of course, so might taxing people for writing blogs. We're no Elena Kagans here.

Who cares if we don't have temples, followers, saviors, or dogma. We're working on it.

 And if the Third Strike believes that it should be worshiped, then dammit, we will not be denied!

We are now The First Church of the Third Strike!



Our first services will include the following:

1. Gay Marriages! For anyone who wants to be gay married in Virginia or New York, the Third Strike has you covered! Note: Marriages may not be recognized by state law.

2. Absolvement of Sins! Feeling guilty? Donate to the Third Strike, and we will forgive you for anything you've ever done. Again, the law might feel differently.

3. Baptism! Anyone who joins the Third Strike can have shower priveledges at our locations. The water from the apartments will eliminate any prenatal damage to your soul. Warning: you only get one. Water costs money, people!

4, Recommendations for Heaven! We can deliver this to you in writing. Send us your resume to assist our first draft.

5. Protection from Witchcraft! We personally guarantee that if you join The First Church of the Third Strike, no spells will land on you. For a donation, we can also deliver garlic amulets for protection from Vampires.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Lex Luthor's 5 Most Evil Moments

5 .Lex Luthor is the Villain of the Smallville story. And a terrible son!






4. Lex Luthor Interrupts ... with Evil. And he shuts down Lois Lane. That's just WRONG!






3. Lex Luthor Teaches the Most Evil Subject... MATHEMATICS!


















2. Lex Luthor Kills Pretty Much Everybody





This is the trailer for the upcoming game DC Universe Online. It's pretty badass.




1. Lex Luthor Has Evil Hygiene



Damn. That IS evil.

Daily Strike: the Ball-Wash Parkway


Technically, this highway is the Baltimore-Washington Parkway, or the Balt.-Wash Pkwy. But three times a week for about a year, the commute up to Annapolis Junction, MD took me by this sign. At 7 AM and through bloodshot eyes, it sure as hell looks like the Ball-Wash Parkway.

...which would make the drivers on it Ball-Washers.
And that's exactly what I called those Maryland drivers.

Introducing Amanda

Okay, so who is this random person writing on Third Strike? Well, I would like to formally introduce myself: Hello. I am Amanda and I am formally introducing myself.

I will be contributing to Third Strike from time-to-time when I am not busy working, rendezvousing around New York City, or daydreaming about Abraham Lincoln. We are lovers.

How my blogs differ from Rob’s: I like to write in first person. I am a woman, after all. We enjoy talking about ourselves. And unlike Rob, who is a true class-act, I like to display a healthy dosage of profanity and vulgar content in my blogs. Dirty mouth? I seem to have misplaced my pack of Orbit gum.

So for my first Third Strike post, I give you: “Things the world could do without, but need anyway for our general entertainment.”


I will start by highlighting the secret joys of Bad Hair:


Thank you, 1970s...



and the 1980s

...and, Snooki’s poof.

Thank you for inspiring us to brush our hair every day and to hate our parents for photographing us as children.


The KFC Double Down

Every wonder what it would feel like to entirely give up on your health, experience heartburn and a stroke all at once? Just order one of these babies and you will find out. KFC brilliantly designed this masterpiece to fill your mouth with greasy protein-filled chicken and diarrhea-inducing yummy goodness. But mostly to create more reasons for Europeans to make fun of Americans.


Glenn Beck

You either love him or hate him. I love him because he gives me reason to wake up in the morning and realize how good my odds are of getting into Heaven. Plus, he's probably the only person on the face of Earth who doesn't look smarter in glasses.



Babies

Okay, babies have annoying cries and smell and their strollers take up a shit ton of space when I’m trying to ride the subway. But they do serve a purpose (besides, you know, repopulating the Earth). Case in point: What my aunt and uncle did to my cousin Dante when he was just a few months old. Actual family photo:

Nothing says “good parenting” like throwing some spaghetti marinara on your child. I don’t know about you, but this makes me curiously hungry. Mangia!


The “Shake Weight for Men” commercial




I lied. The world could do without this.

Decaf coffee

Whoever decided to create decaf coffee is doing a great disservice to mankind. Without caffeine, productivity would completely disappear. Plus, what would inspire the Sham WOW guy to be so enthusiastic about tuna? Besides all the speed he is on. Drinking decaf coffee should be illegal. The same goes for herbal tea. Yes, I’m talking to you Grandma.


The Situation

Because no one else makes me feel so out of shape but so thankful for my college degree at the same time. He's invited to ravioli night.







Nicholas Sparks novels

Okay, so I admit it. The Notebook was okay. But once Robert Pattinson and Miley Cyrus got involved in these book-to-film adaptations, I lost interest. Plus, we all know R-Pat as that creepy dead guy in those other terrible book-to-film adaptations. Just those have no sex. Boo! Check him out in the new Nicholas Sparks Twilight remake of The Notebook "If you're a bird, I'm a vampire."


Plus, we don't really need Nicholas Sparks. Everyone knows that no love story could truly beat that of Zach of Kelly's.






Bowties

There is no other piece of attire that can make someone look as fancy, while simultaneously making them look like a total asshole.

Example #1: The Monopoly guy.

Look at this guy. He looks so fancy in his bowtie, but what he is really trying to tell you is, “I don’t care if you’re playing with the cute little dog piece, you still can’t have your $200… bitch.”




Example #2: Michael Steele

Do I really need to say anything at all? This photo speaks for itself. However, I would like to take this moment to point out a pretty fucking fantastic observation (“fantastic” because I just made it). Notice the combination of bowtie and moustache. It’s the secret asshole recipe! Formerly known as Taco Bell.


Example #3: Even this cat looks like an asshole! And he displays some pretty incriminating whiskers. Could we say… a meow-stache?!

I smell a conspiracy.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Daily Strike: Best of Craigslist 1


Proof that the Redskins used to make it to the Super Bowl!

You have to ask yourself: Did this guy clean out his fridge 18 years after his Super Bowl party and come across this canned gold mine?

Or did he sit on these Collectable Cokes for two decades, patiently waiting for them to accrue value? What a damn savvy investor.

 Heck, in 1992, were they even using High Fructose Corn Syrup yet? I wonder what it tastes like?
Probably like it got beat by the Detroit Lions last season.

You'd have to ask Scott's Tip of the Day for the closest account anyone can provide.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Monday Moustache

The seventh post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:


Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil McGraw has a PhD in Moustachology. He has been the host of his own show (named after himself) for the greater part of a decade. On the show, his moustache dishes out "tough love"... the only kind of love that a moustache like his can have.

Although Dr. Phil's credentials, value, and status as a clinical psychologist are frequently questioned, the man continues to rake in millions of dollars each year from his books and show. This is probably because his main credential is his moustache, and it clearly leaves no room for doubt.

Dr. Phil's moustache was nominated for an Academy Award for its role in Scary Movie 4, the first time facial hair has been nominated for the award instead of the person sporting it. It lost to Christoph Waltz's Hans Landa from Inglorious Basterds.

No moustache, but a better performance nonetheless.
 
After the loss, Dr. Phil's moustache went into a severe depression and began rebelling and experimenting with drugs. Dr. Phil sent the moustache to boot camp, where it is expected to make a full recovery.
 
At least until sweeps week.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Clowning Around (Part 2)

Third Strike is continuing its Public Awareness Campaign on The Dangers of Clowns. While many clowns are harmless, a growing number of clowns pose a public safety risk that must be mitigated immediately.

For security, consult this list should you see a clown, and remain vilgilant-- a clown may throw a pie at you, or it may try to cook you in one.



The Joker

You wouldn't think it to look at him, but this guy is actually very dangerous. Ok, maybe you would think that.


The Joker has come in several shapes and sizes, but he has always kept the same mental state: bat-shit crazy. Especially for Batman.


The Joker's Laughing Fish made poor Gorton's Fish Fillets

To quote the Trickster, "When super-villains want to scare each other, they tell Joker stories."

You never know his angle; he might gas a river and try to patent the laughing fish, or he might shoot your sidekick in the spine.





Classification: Avatar of Satan




Bozo the Clown
If you're watching Bozo the Clown some random afternoon, you have reached one of two places in life.

1. You're a 5 year old, and can expect to hang on to your virginity for another 35 years.

2. You've hit rock bottom, and have begun smoking carpet squares in the hope that leftover drugs have seeped into the fabric.

Nevertheless, he is still one of the best known clowns... and if he can compete with Teletubbies, he must have some sort of appeal.

Classification: Funny Clown



Pennywise
It had to be coming... IT. Stephen King's Spider/Shapeshifing Clown.

He's existed for centuries, and he gets woken up every time something really terrible happens. This time he was woken up by bad grammar on rally signs in Washington D.C.

He's hungry.

Classification: Avatar of Satan





John Wayne Gacy

Husband.
Clown.
Serial Killer.

Way to affirm the fear of clowns, Gacy.

Classification: Avatar of Satan





Rodeo Clowns

Rodeo Clowns exist to distract bulls from goring cowboys who have been unseated. They don't speak and hide in barrels for protetction from the raging animal.

Classification: Mime

Let's hope they can mime an ambulence ride to the hospital!







Shakes the Clown


Bad Santa, but with a clown.

Classification: Sad Clown










Matt McNamara

Spoiled son of a plastic surgeon becomes a street mime on Nip/Tuck. Then starts he starts robbing convenience stores.

Classification: Sad Clown & Mime






John Leguizamo: the Clown/Violator


He literally works for the Devil and torments Spawn.

Classification: Avatar of Satan









Insane Clown Posse

Rumor has it that these guys actually met each other at an Insane Asylum. They make some crazy music. Who knows what these guys are about?

Classification: ??????









Ronald McDonald

Ronald is probably the world's most identifiable clown. He's been teaching kids about the fun of fast food for decades, and is a proud spokesman of a company that produces foodlike products. Unfortunately he has had some health problems in recent times, leading to 23 heart attacks, 12 strokes, and a Super Sized blood clot. He now lives with an iron lung, an IV, and a daily diet of prescription McNuggets.

Classification: Sad Clown

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Clowning Around (Part 1)

Coulrophobia. noun. An abnormal or exaggerated fear of clowns.

For some reason, a fear of monsters, aliens, Bob Sagat, or spiders is an acceptable phobia. A kid with a pet spider will usually almost end up accidentally killing Harry Potter. Get an owl, weirdo.

Me? Hell, I'm afraid of the Heat Death of the Universe and the Grey-Goo Apocalypse. Look 'em up, lazy.

But unlike evil creatures, arachnids, or galactic catastrophe, there is one group that is supposed to happily entertain us, and instead disturbs the crap out of people: clowns.

Clowns are supposed to be funny performers for children and adults alike. They can be found at the circus, carnivals, rodeos, and even at clown college.

"Balloon-Animals 101" is such a joke class. Wait... is every clown class a joke class..? And is "class clown" a redundant title at a clown college...? WTF ???

Clowns have been around since at least the middle ages, when they would entertain crowds before witch-burnings. Later, they adopted absurd outfits and white faces to hide out amongst English society.


Queen or clown? No one knows how to tell the difference...


At some unknown time following the Middle Ages, clowns divided into four different sects:

1. Funny Clowns
2. Sad Clowns
3. Mimes
4. Avatars of Satan

Third Strike is going to help clear up which clowns are safe and which kind you should avoid at all costs. When you are in doubt, it is safest to assume that any clown will try to eat you.

Krusty the Clown
Krusty is a television clown who drinks, smokes, and enjoys the company of prostitutes. He has a pacemaker and frequently struggles to cope with life--to the point that he has been known to abandon his career and identity completely. He has also been to jail and is an occasional target of assassination for his former partner Sideshow Bob. He has had trouble with the IRS and still has difficulty making wise fiscal decisions. Overall, despite his circumstances, Krusy is harmless.


Classification: Sad Clown




Evil Krusty Doll
This Krusty doll's switch was accidentally set to "Evil" by the manufacturer. Bart Simpson brought it home, and it tried to kill Homer Simpson.

This clown can attack with a butcher knife his size, but it has the appearance of the harmless TV clown. Underestimating this devilry will cost you dearly.

Classification: Avatar of Satan



Homer the Clown

Somebody obviously watches too much of The Simpsons on DVD.


Yes, Homer himself once trained as a clown. Then he was attacked by the mob.




Occasionally Homer can be a danger to those around him. But even then he is one funny guy. As a clown, he was no different.


Classification: Funny Clown







Homer's Clown Bed



Homer made Bart a clown bed.

Beds can't talk.

Classification: Mime



Sweet Dreams!







Pagliacci
"Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says 'But, doctor...I am Pagliacci.' "

-joke is an excerpt from Watchmen by Alan Moore.

Classification: Sad Clown

To Be Continued...

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Kittens on a Slide

This has nothing to do with anything, other than the fact that it is really funny, and it's happier than the Youtube comment sections from the last post.


The Art of Trolling

Walk into a public restroom and check any individual stall. For years, you knew you would find some of the most breathtaking contemporary shock-poetry you'd ever laid eyes on.


And that's still the case. But then came the Internet.
Now you don't have to wait for a bathroom break!

Check the comments section of a popular Youtube video. Maybe something innocent. Let's say... the JK Wedding Dance. That is the beautiful video of a bridal party dancing down the aisle to Chris Brown's "Forever".

It sounds like this guy was legitimately pissed at the ending of Footloose, when Kevin Bacon got all those damned kids to bop with him. I'm pretty sure John Lithgow was supposed to be the antagonist of the story, but hey... what do I know.

Still, that's tame compared to some of the more controversial issues out here, regardless of the platform. Check out comments on the Washington Post comments section.

In case you were wondering who is still reading the newspaper (and then commenting on it), it probably isn't a bunch elitists in top hats. Some of these responses sound like they are coming from a guy sitting on his porch rocking-chair holding a shotgun and a bottle of Jack Daniels. All arguments contrary to his beliefs are going to fall on deaf ears... but that isn't really the point. The point is to get attention the old fashion way-- by keeping civility out of the Internet like a Texan militia fighting off immigrants.

There are at least 6 million polite comments still residing in the Internet today.

The gift of anonymity grants people the courage to write things in comments sections or in bathroom stalls that they would never have the courage to write in person. The accessability of that kind of forum is clearly irresistable.


Harry Potter, get off the Internet and do your homework.
Writing a comment/post that is inflamatory and clearly seeking nothing but attention is commonly known as "trolling", or being a "troll".


Trolling has been around since the mid-90's, and has no signs of going away. Sites like 4-chan allow people to release their inner id and continue playing for shock value.
 
People want attention, and hell, who cares what the cost is. So what makes a good troll? Here are some tips to guide your transition into a mutliation of what used to be a human being:
 
1. Forget courtesy
Courtesy is for human beings. You are a troll now. You live under a bridge and eat the rodents unlucky enough to wander into your lair.
 
2. No one is off limits
 
 
Fred Phelps has been trolling America for years-- and doesn't even hide behind the veil of anonymity. In fact, he has declared several times that he is King of the Trolls, and vaguely cites the section of the Bible that says so. Ironically, God Hates Trolls.
 
So to match his success, consider yourself the Fred Phelps of the Internet. Fred Phelps is already on the Internet? Well then fine, God Hates Fred Phelps.
 
 
3. Take no notice of irony, logical fallacies, or factual errors
Those are just liberal inventions

4. Take offense to absolutely everything
Someone might notice the irony that you, constantly dropping racial epithets, are so offended by the most innocent article or video. That person is a Nazi Communist.
 
5. If you make a typo, you're just spelling words the way Jesus would
Maybe Jesus didn't speak English, but maybe "speaking in tongues" is actually just speaking in online English. Try and refudiate that!



Comments are welcome.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Uncle Matin's Sword Trick

This came to me from Zeke Mahogany Comedy in response to Harrison Ford's Greatest Moments. Check it out-- it's hilarious!



Props to Director Travis Kurtz for his great work.

Monday Moustache

The sixth post in a recurring segment on moustaches.


Today's moustache:
 

John Bolton
 
John Bolton served as the United States Amabassador to the United Nations during several Republican presidential administrations, and he is now a Senior Fellow at American Enterprise Institute.
When he's not making whippy comments on Fox News.
 
John Bolton did work for Reagan, but his moustache achieved full Bushiness when he worked in the administration of... George H.W. Bush. Then, during the years of George W. Bush, John Bolton's moustache began taking over United States foreign policy and eventually invaded Iraq.
 
Sadly, missing Weapons of Mass Destruction were not in any hidden Iraqi bunker, but have been lost somewhere in the deep recesses of John Bolton's whiskers.

This man's moustache represented America in front of the world's leaders. Clearly, it deserves the recognition of Monday Moustache.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Dating Do's, Don'ts, and Doh's Volume 2

A few weeks back, Third Strike had a short entry on humorous dating tips. It was not supposed to be revisited because the subject gets beaten to death as is.

So has the subject of Zombies? Sure. But beating a Zombie to death doesn't stop it. The undead just keep coming back until you aim for the head.

But then... my friend sent me a Match.com email she recieved. Reading it, I realized that there are other topics that just refuse to die.

Online dating has added potential for a monumental amount of awkwardness, because it's not simply like meeting someone in person for the first time. In person, if a person uses a ridiculous pick up line, you can laugh at them in their face (or smile and keep chatting if you liked it).

Sure you can hit it off with a special someone you've been "set up" with online. But by its very nature, Internet dating will also empower the bizzare.

The email:






I can deliver your ideal date

I am pretty much how I describe myself on my profile. I am a funny, well travelled, laid-back, successful English guy, who currently lives on his yacht in Fells Point.


I have an intriguing proposition. I am looking to get to know someone in the Baltimore/DC area over the next month or so then to sail to the Bahamas and maybe the Caribbean this winter. Is your life is flexible enough to spend four months this winter, sailing warmer climes? I presume it would be ideal if you can work remotely or just are fastidious at topping up your tan.

I admire people who can thrive outside their comfort zone. Sailing knowledge isn't mandatory. I hadn't stepped foot on a yacht before I bought her from the comfort of my London office last December. The internet makes idiotic, spur of the moment purchases so much easier. Only once have I nearly sunk my boat.

Is there anything you would like to know? I know this is an intriguing / random proposition - If it hasn't scared you off would you like to meet up?






DO:

The first paragraph of this email is great. He drops the fact that he's English, immediately bringing to mind Daniel Craig, David Beckham, and Hugh Grant movies. I'm sorry, but Bend it Like Beckham sounds like a porno. Just sayin'.

He drops the line that he lives on a yacht, which is fine... yachts are nice. Living on a boat is a little bit unusual, but hey... if things go well then at least the lady won't be in for a complete surprise. Plus, it's better to live on the water than actually in Baltimore, because that city is terrifying.

DON'T:

Now comes the intriguing proposition. Keep in mind, this is his first email. He asks to get to know her for a month, then travel to distant lands on a boat. Forget the first date, this guy is already asking her to move in. Also remember that he's read this girl's profile online, and that alone is what he is basing this proposition on. The joke could be on him if his Internet biddy turns out to have Fran Drescher's voice and Courtney Love's personality. (She doesn't. But she could.)

Also, it's a little insulting to my friend to imply that within a couple days, she would decide to drop any and all life pursuits and abandon career growth to go boating with a complete stranger who found her pictures online. Is his life flexibile enough to wait until the third date before he asks someone on his magic carpet ride?

Doh!

So this guy admires people oustide their comfort zone... which any takers are going to have to be when they find out this guy isn't exactly Horatio Hornblower. Hey he's only almost crashed his boat once. And hey, he's got nine months experience, what's the worst that could happen? There aren't any Somalian Pirates in the Carribean and the Kraken died in the third Johnny Depp movie.

The Internet does make idiotic, spur of the moment purchases easier, as is stated. So he is admitting that his very purchase of this boat was a stupid idea. So was buying a Match.com account to find a young lady to abduct.

Topping it off: "Is there anything else you would like to know?" Apparently, he makes money... and that's great. But I think there is also a halfway decent chance that he owns an island where he hunts human beings for sport.

Maybe this guy is Aladdin. Or maybe he kills people and disposes of their bodies out at sea al la Dexter Morgan. Who knows... he spent all of his self-description in the first two lines of the email. I'm sure his profile has plenty of additional illumination. But gut feelings say it's probably best to run, run fast, and never look back.

Or maybe this whole thing was a joke.

He said he was funny?