Monday, February 28, 2011

For Faking a Stutter, Artie Leaves Colin Firth

Major controversy erupted this Sunday when Colin Firth gave his acceptance speech with full British charm, and absolutely no stutter (although he did admit to nervousness).

Colin won for his role in The King's Speech, in which he plays a stammering King George VI.

This clearly shows that the stutter that Firth was doing was phony! And while we can certainly say well done, shame on him for faking a speech impediment! Who doesn't find that offensive? Everyone.

OK, so he's an "actor, acting". Bull-honkey. That didn't get me out of a ticket when I told the officer I wasn't speeding. I was just reenacting a scene from The Fast and the Furious on I-95.

You know who else faked a stutter? TINA COHEN-CHANG from Glee!

Artie Abrams is sure to be devastated by Colin Firth's betrayal.
Why Colin!? Why!?
Or maybe Jenna Ushkowitz should get an Academy Award for Best Actor.  I know, Best Actress seems more apt. But nobody is going to take that award from Natalie Portman. Besides, she's pregnant! Babies!

All I really know is that I will now have to watch The King's Speech since it has officially been declared a good movie by whatever collection of people it is that decide these things.

Monday Moustache: True Moustache Grit

Third Strike took a little vacation due to a combination of severe writers block and allegations that "work-work" needs to be done on the job. Luckily, we're back, full of spicy zingers, and ready to take on the Internet. ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO HAVE WAITED!

Today marks the twenty-eighth post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:
Matt Damon as Texas Ranger LaBoeuf

Matt Damon is one of those ridiculously good actors who has been nominated for several Academy Awards, ranging from Best Supporting Actor for Invictus to actually winning the Best Original Screenplay for Good Will Hunting. Plus, he kicks some major ass in The Bourne Identity and its sequels.

But never has The Talented Mr. Damon actually won an ACTING Oscar. And that's truly criminal. Yet another year has gone by where Damon's talents went overlooked-- this time for his underrated role in a slightly overrated film, True Grit.

True Grit wasn't all that great a film, all in all; the ending is disappointing and some of the suspense falls flat. However, no one can deny that the performances in the film are fantastic. Jeff Bridges' Rooster Cogburn is a pretty epic portrayal from the beloved "Dude".
"I lost Best Actor to some British stuttering? What about my drunken mumbling!"
While Matt Damon clearly had a supporting role in the film, he had one thing that neither Jeff Bridges, Colin Firth, or the real Texas Ranger Shia LaBeouf had: an epic moustache.

Nice Try, other LaBeouf, but that moustache ain't cuttin' it.
Texas Ranger LaBoeuf carries the movie by impressively sniping off villainous bandits, almost losing his tongue, and fighting an army of Decepticons that are in Egypt for some reason. And then he went to robot heaven...

Hollywood clearly has not heard the cry of the masses for more moustache wins. However, as is common, they've gotten the partial gist of what the people want, and thereby awarded Best Supporting Actor to Christian Bale's beard.
Luckily, no one was fixing lights distractingly during Bale's acceptance speech

Monday, February 14, 2011

Third Strike Loves You!

Valentines Day is here, and men nationwide are discovering that reservations are not just for the Indians. "Native Americans" doesn't sound as funny.... COME ON!

Because Third Strike loves readers, we're going to help the romantically-challenged with some tips for their love lives. What qualifies Third Strike to give dating tips? Well, over the years we have learned much from friends and foes alike about the subtle art of seduction. Stop asking so many questions.

#1 Romance Tip: grow a moustache for your lady
Men (Dating Women):

1. On a date, don't refer to your "Man Cave", "Beer Cave", or "Bat Cave", whether you have one or just dream of having one. For some reason, women don't like caves.

2. No woman will be fooled into thinking an entry-level salesman at Enterprise Rent-a-Car is expecting to retire at 30. "We pick you up" is also the employee dating slogan.

3. There is an inverse relationship between the number of messages you leave, and the interest a woman has in calling you back.

4. Stealing quotes from movies and TV shows will probably work for a while, but be careful; you may get caught, become a phony, or simply run out of material. The same applies for recycling material. Reduce your carbon-dating footprint.

5. If a girl brings you to Comic Con, she probably likes you, and is definitely a keeper.

Coming Soon: Women (Dating Men)

Monday Moustache: Moustache Delight

The twenty-seventh post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:

Ron Burgundy?

Today's moustache is kind of a big deal.

Because today is Valentine's Day, this Monday's Moustache needs to be one we know and love. It also helps if it is on a man who can play a mean jazz flute.

Ron Burgundy, diligently reading from his teleprompter in a pleasant baritone,.is San Diego's favorite anchorman He covers his territory with the help of field reporter Brian Fantana, sportscaster "Champ" Kind, weatherman Brick Tamland, and co-anchor/love interest Veronica Corningstone. Occasionally the group gets in rumbles with rival news gangs, especially that fiend Wes Mantooth.

On a romantic note, Ron Burgundy is famous for his scotch-drunk pickup lines ("Why don't you come in next time without the bra") and acting as the showcase for gentlemanly behavior. His apartment has many bound books, and smells of rich mahogany.

Speaking of smells, do I detect a hint of Sex Panther?  Today, Third Strike will spread the love by recognizing the first Monday Moustache runner up!

Today's runner up:
Brian's moustache wins the top spot 60% of the time, every time.
Brian Fantana

Brian Fantana is a true romantic: he nicknamed his penis "the Octagon" and moved on to host Fox's "Intercourse Island". His moustache is impressive, but it can't quite hold the top spot over Ron's.

Happy Valentines Day, and Go F*** yourself, Third Strike.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Amanda: Mustache Stalker, And So Can YOU!

Yes, it is I! I know, I have disappeared and left all the blogging to Rob for the past several months. There are no excuses for this! I have been very busy feeding my Justin Bieber obsession. No really, he's tied up in my basement and I have been feeding him.
I have this exact image tattooed on my left breast.
Anyway, here at the Third Strike we clearly have an affinity for mustaches. I have had a love for the stache ever since I decided to grow one myself several years ago:
Nothing is sexier on a woman than facial hair.   
Hence, we created the beloved Monday Moustache to honor those with the best staches out there! Until now, we have been honoring only those with recognized names and staches. But there are so many other people out there who deserve credit!! Therefore, I invite you all to send us your pictures of great mustaches seen (or worn) by you. I snapped this photo during my way home on the subway last night. I forgot to turn off the blinding flash on my iPhone so needless to say, I wasn't very discreet. However, I salute the man who grew this white beauty!
Reading the paper never looked so fantastic.
Do you have a mustache worthy of Third Strike moucstache glory?! Are you a creeper fond of stalking strangers by taking photos of them in public? Send us your photos to along with your first name and location (city, state) and we will feature it on our blog.  
Note: This game is in the name of fun only. We don't wish to make fun of others, only salute them for their glorious mustaches.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Monday Moustache: Football Fuzz

The twenty-sixth post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:

Mike Ditka

In honor of this Sunday's Super Bowl, this Monday is devoted to an All-American mustache that doesn't quit when the game is on the line.

"Iron Mike" has a Moustache of Steel, famous for coaching the Chicago Bears. Yes, I realize the Chicago Bears did not play at the Super Bowl, but Ben Roethlisberger and Aaron Rodgers both sport the less magnificent goatee.

The Chicago Bears had a much-improved season, finishing 11-5 and getting bumped out of the playoffs by Super Bowl Champs the Green Bay Packers. Thank you Wikipedia, for filling me in on all the football I have missed this season.

None of this, of course, has anything to do with Mike Ditka. The coach hasn't been with the Bears since 1997 and he retired in 1999. I just wanted to be topical.

I'm not sure how many sports fans have any interest in Third Strike. Maybe people who stumble here expecting something about baseball or a bowling blog... suckers.

Where were we? Ah, yes... Mike Ditka.

Ditka won three Super Bowls under his moustache's leadership. Good job! 

And of course... he opened a chain of restaurants, where fans convene to talk about da' Bears.

Ok... enough football. Time to watch the new episode of Glee.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Look Out, Anderson Cooper!

Egypt usually looks like a majestic place, owning the legacy of the oldest advanced society known to man.
But sometimes Egypt gets scary. Like when the Mummy gets loose and attacks Brendan Fraser.

Right now, Egypt is ablaze with riots and protests geared towards ending Hosni Mubarak's 30 year reign. Some riots have sadly erupted into violence and clashes between anti-Mubarak and pro-Mubarak crowds. There have even been concerns about the Egyptian police and military posing as members of the crowds to discredit them as angry looters.

Clearly, this is a serious, dangerous affair. Why in the world is Third Strike writing about it?

Speaking for myself, being in Egypt right now would make me more nervous than a Sphinx during a rhinoplasty.
Worst nose job ever...
But the journalistic news media, for one, have been braving the dangers to cover the story. Specifically targeting journalists, Egyptians have made 21 assaults and detained 24 journalists according to the Committee to Protect Journalists.

One particular super-journalist has especially been in the mix: Anderson Cooper!

Anderson has a much better nose
Anderson Cooper has become more than a mild-mannered journalist and has turned into some kind of superhero: Super Cooper! And like Clark Kent or Lois Lane, he has found himself in harms way.

Twice over the course of the past few days, Cooper and his news crew have come under attack!  Even as Katie Couric returns to New York and Brian Williams distances himself to Jordan, Andersoon Cooper has decided to stay in Cairo. On two separate occasions, Cooper, has come under attack: his head has been punched (ten times!), his car windows have been smashed, and his team has narrowly escaped more serious violence.

Later, Anderson tweeted:
Dammit Cooper, can you worry about staying ALIVE instead of staying LIVE?
Let me be the first person to say, I respect the hell out of what Anderson Cooper is doing: he is a real journalist, not a talking head who stays in a cozy safe house of media judgement, spouting conspiracy theories or insulting Michelle Bauchman.

But DAMMIT, Anderson, be reasonable! We don't need America's newsman to go walking through turbulent and rowdy crowds to see "what they're thinking". I'm pretty sure we get the point from the burning effigies of Mubarak.

And come on Cooper! You got beaten up by Pee-Wee Herman! You're not that tough!!!

He says it himself: those steel blue eyes are a national treasure. KEEP THEM SAFE ANDERSON! GUARD THEM FROM ALL ANGLES!!! Let's protect Anderson from 360 Degrees.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Punxsutawney Phil Predicts 6 More Years of Global Warming

Groundhogs can predict weather, but they can't spell Punxsutawney.

Happy Groundhog Day, everyone!

Today, rodent-lovers everywhere celebrate as they awake to hear the furry prognosticator's winter predictions:

"I also predict Natalie Portman wins 'Best Actress' for Black Swan."

Most news reports have ended the story with the Pennsylvanian Groundhog NOT seeing his bristly shadow, the indication of an early spring. This year, however, Third Strike has discovered that Phil has a lot more to say:

"I see that I have no shadow, but I have several thoughts on the matter. First of all, I, Punxsutawney Phil, am 120 years old. Most groundhogs live 10 years, but because I create and live in time loops, I age very slowly. Just ask Bill Murray
That being said, I'm not as young a fur-ball as I used to be, so please speak up when speaking to me. Also, please stay off my lawn.
 Anyhow, I've recently noticed that smokestacks have been creating smog clouds that keep me from seeing my shadow; I'm suspicious that this may be influencing my predictions and contributing to this year's early Spring.
In fact, my shadow has been looking more and more like a  badger, which, as everyone knows, means Global Warming will probably increase for the next 6 years, contingent on Cap and Trade Policy."
It's strange that a groundhog would make such grounded climate forecasts and not receive substantial news coverage. It's a clear indication that the conservative media is attempting to cover up evidence of global warming. The liberal media, on the other hand, ignores woodchucks due to their radical views on logging.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could clearcut a forest without the EPA getting involved?