Monday, November 29, 2010

Monday Moustache: Sidekick 'Stache

The sixteenth post in a reccurring segment on moustaches.



Today's moustache:
Luigi


Not everyone can be number one.
Hell, sometimes you don't even get the bronze medal, let alone gold.

But just because it's not you on the awards pedestal... or your name on the building... doesn't mean that you don't provide an invaluable role to what goes on inside. I sound like my boss. FML.

By that token, Luigi might not have his name on (most) Mario games, but his presence creates something even greater than himself: Moustached Multiplayer.

Luigi is Mario's twin brother, and like his pudgy bro he also sports a fetching 'stache. While they're extremely similar, Luigi is known for being slightly taller, thinner, and gangrene...er.

Together, these two open up the option of plugging in that extra controller and having an adventure with a friend. It's a much happier world where we are not forced to play video games in a dark basement by ourselves.

Both the brothers fight their nemesis Bowser and his army of Goombas and Koopas, yet they still have time to play tennis. At the end of the day, it's older brother Mario who gets his name on the video-game packaging. See the Monday Moustache for (Super) Mario to see a list of his accolades for more moustache glory.

Are they so different, though?
Behold, the power of color rendering! Where once there was  Red and Brown, now there is GREEN and WHITE!
And it ain't easy being green.


Luigi is just as lovable as Mario, and he even appears to be in slightly better shape. He is a devoted brother, constantly assisting Mario with his princess-rescuing levels. Yet no matter the levelness of the stats, Luigi gets pigeonholed as a "sidekick" to the industrious Mario. Luigi only has one game to his name: Luigi's Mansion.  That game pertains of a haunted mansion where he had to work as a Ghostbuster. Granted, he gets a mansion to begin with, but c'mon. It's haunted.


Luigi's problem is obvious: he needs a better agent. Or maybe a publicist.

Team Perfect
One could argue that Mario & Luigi are a dynamic duo, and not the Batman & Robin kind (because let's face it, nobody wants to be a Robin).

But Mario & Luigi aren't quite like the quintessential duo, Peanut Butter & Jelly. Neither Peanut Butter nor Jelly pull a Diana Ross and act as the prima donna; there is no leader and no follower. Instead they act together in concert with perfect harmony. The same can't be said about Luigi; he goes where Mario tells him to go.



Luigi is a valiant and worthy creature, so I recommend to him this: keep working on the moustache. Mario has a fabulous, optimistic moustache, but he has not won the moustache race by a long shot. After all, Luigi had a green moustache at one point (see picture above). That's pretty rockin'.

We thought Luigi was Italian, like Mario, but in a pixilated version he clearly has green hair... is it possible? Could Luigi be Irish? Is his twin-brother actually from another mother?


Or does he have Moustache Gangrene?


Luigi's hair brown when 3 Dimensions, but that may be an extraordinary deception meant to fool us.

After all, Avatar was a good movie in 3-D.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Airline Security Hokey-Pokey

The media has been squawking about the most recent controversies of that beloved comedy pariah, airlines. Specifically, the TSA has been under scrutiny for its new pat-down procedures for flyers-- those who do not make it through the body-scanning X-Ray machine (surely no health risks...) can get romanced by an intimate personal screening.

This is my airplane impression! Get it?

A new American Internet hero has emerged from the policy: the "Don't touch my junk" guy. This gentleman was concerned about the familiarity with his nether-regions that the TSA agent was going to have.

The Third Strike will neither condone nor condemn the new policy; that is what everyone else is for. But if you're having anxiety about flying for the holidays, then we will provide you with these "Fun Ways to Play with the TSA" to ease your mind. A little fun at the airport will make your groping go by more quickly. Or at least it will be amusing.


*Disclaimer*: these games might lead to detention, longer lines, and hatred from other passengers.

1. Wear a fanny pack full of random items. A fanny pack is the least threatening accessory ever invented. It is so innocent it has been relegated to the hopeless and power-walking moms. And THAT makes it extremely suspicious. When the TSA agents ask you to open it only to see A Barrel of Monkeys, rogue Scrabble pieces, some Lego Jedi, a laser pointer, and electrical tape, their imagination will go wild with what kind mischief you're up to.

2. Wear rip off-pants. These might be hard to find. I don't think they're in style for anyone outside of the NBA, but you can have a great moment with security. "Strip search? You GOT IT!" *cue dance music*

3. Wear lead-lined underpants. I don't think this breaks any laws, and when asked you can say that you are simply making sure that your junk does not go sterile from overexposure to X-Ray. This way, Superman will also not be able to see what you are packing.


4. Put your clothes on backwards. Again, this isn't illegal. Sure is suspicious though. Hey, this is a free country, and if I think my Lee Dungarees look better with a fly in the rear then that is my right as an American Citizen. Inside-out is also a safe alternative and is very "Back to the Future Part 2".

5. Start purring during your pat down. OK, so you've probably been identified as a suspicious person if you've done all of the above. Now they're going to begin patting you down, including your bathing suit/lead underwear area. Now would be a good time to make any animal sounds, really. Purring is a safe option, but if you start barking, mooing, or doing your best impression of a goat, at no point will it be less shocking. Again, is this illegal? I'm not a lawyer, so I don't know.
I'm going to pretend I am one and say no.

Have fun, and don't forget to send us a post card from Guantanamo Bay!

Movember



Obviously we stumbled upon this entirely too late. But this contest is clearly harnessing the mighty power of moustache to help do some real good: cure cancer!

For those of you not aware, this issue strikes close to the Third Strike. See Mandy's Killing Alice blog for her fight against Hodgkin's lymphoma and see how incredibly bad-ass she is.

Is 7 days left in November enough to grow a moustache? Quick, someone replace my facewash with Miracle-Grow!!!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Monday Moustache: Mondiddly Moustacherino

The fifteenth post in a reoccurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:


Ned is excited to be on Third Strike
Ned Flanders

Ned Flanders is America's favorite neighborino. He is an eternally patient man who graciously puts up with the antics of his next-door neighbors, the Simpsons.

What's more, Ned gave the moustache a nickname in an early season: he calls it his "nose neighbor". Homer once asked him to shave it because it was making him look "suspicious"... but only because Ned had the audacity to ask Homer to stop swearing in front of his children. Frankly, Ned's most suspicious characteristic is his constant mix of a green sweater and pink collared shirt. A moustache has nothing on an unshakable grip on style.

Ned has had more bad luck than a typical cartoon character (sans Wile E. Coyote, whose luck is "absolute zero" on the Lucky Charms Scale). Ned's time on The Simpsons has seen a house  blown down in a hurricane, a wife dying in a tragic T-shirt cannon accident, and a new business gone near-bankrupt. Nevertheless he faces his problems with a smile... and anger-suppressing pseduo-words. Like "diddly".

What keeps his smile protected? His moustache. It's like a soft, hairy smile helmet. Those whiskers are a Springfield Institution, and even the likes of Mr. Burns has to envy Ned's "moustache fortitude". Moustachitude?

The more time writing, the harder it is to get Ned and his moustache out of my mind. I now have the strong desire to greet strangers with a hug, a smile, and a howdily-doodily. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, we all learn from Flanders to be thankful that things are pretty much... okily-dokily.

Don't mind the stranger groping you at the airport, it's just the TSA. Wait, he doesn't work here?
...Stupid Sexy Flanders.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Alien Worlds & No Imagination

In the movies, people spend lots of time on other planets. It doesn't matter if it's because the Earth has gone through some sort of crisis, humans are mining Unobtanium, or maybe the character was just born on a distant planet's moisture farm. The point is that now we're hanging out on some God-forsaken Volcano Planet.

Or Desert Planet.

Or Jungle Planet.

OR Planet of the Apes. Wait, no... that last one WAS Earth. You blew it up. You... maniacs. Damn you all to hell.



Looking at a map of the Earth today, I noticed that all of these "typecast" planets stem from a lackluster scarcity of imagination. Think about it:

Earth has volcanoes.

...and deserts

...and jungles

...and really, really cold places.

...and cities.

Hell, Earth is about as diverse a planet as they come. Granted, other planets might not be. Mars is pretty much red, lifeless, and dusty. Venus is covered in toxic gas. And most of the other planets in the solar system are uniform in their terrain. But the ONE planet that we know sustains life nurtures all SORTS of life. In fact, if anything, Earth is an ocean planet, not a... err... land planet... since the Earth is over 70% covered with sea water.

Looking at the life-sustaining planets of fiction, you get a completely different picture:

Dune: Planet Arrakis


Dune is a great book that explores space-aged politics in an oligarchical, interstellar society. But dammit... the planet Arrakis is a giant desert covered with giant sand-worms. The book has some vague references to the thought of terraforming the planet, but those are mostly pipe dreams.  This place just so happens to exist as a naturally life-sustaining planet even though it rose up with no water, no oceans, and no real explanation on how a complete is going to lead to the creation of life at all. I want a Slurpee now.


Star Wars: Tatooine


Take away the giant worms. Replace them with "Dewbacks" and Mark Hamill. Replace Dune's Fremen with Sandpeople. Add some crappy prequels. And now we have Tatooine, home of nothing but desert and terrible child actors to play Anikan Skywalker. So, so, so disappointing.


Star Wars: Coruscant


This one might be a little more lost on the less nerdy: In Star Wars, Coruscant is the Old Republic's capital planet (yeah, that's right. A planet is the capital) where the Galactic Senate meets, and some other stuff happens that may or may not fit into crappy analogies for Western Political Philosophies. These political revelations are then mused by more terrible actors. I'm looking at you, Hayden.


The point of including this one is simple: A whole planet that is a city. Are we seeing a theme here? Maybe Coruscant is supposed to be some "cleverly hidden" metaphor for Washington D.C.: it is completely dependent on other planets to sustain the fat cats who live there spending tax dollars. It also is remarkable how almost anyone can breathe there, no matter what species they are.


Avatar: Pandora


Although this movie is sort of crappy, I must admit that Avatar shows a fair amount of a) biodiversity and b) different terrain. It goes from jungle to floating mountain jungle, and there are rumors that Avatar 2 will have lots of scenes in the oceans of Pandora (without having to go to an "ocean planet"). Thank our lucky stars.


But since I'm at risk of speaking kindly about Avatar, let me make fun of it for another (related) reason.
Why the F%$# is everything blue? The people are blue (Ok, fine, the Na'vi. We have to be politically correct about our fictional races now too???) The wild dog-things are blue. The giant iguana-dinosaur is blue, and the cow-deer-hammerhead-sharks are blue.

The F%&*ing planet is covered with green plants. The laws of nature might make more sense on Earth, but shouldn't survival of the fittest mean that camoflague would work best making people GREEN? But then you wouldn't have pretty contrast.

If some smart ass says that lots of the Pandora jungle lights up blue at night, guess what? No one cares. And you're still wrong, because the Na'vi aren't nocturnal. That's how Jake Sully woke up with a Bulldozer on his head or something... they went to sleep after having freaky hair-braid sex. That might take care of the wild-dogs, but everything else is awake during the day.

There are plenty more planets, and I might attack them like a Death Star later for their completely absurd uniformity. Don't think I've forgotten the forest planet (oh, excuse me... moon) Endor with its silly Ewoks.

Am I crazy here? What PLANET am I ON?

Monday, November 15, 2010

Monday Moustache

The fourteenth post in a reoccurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:


Gene Shalit

Today we salute a man who had not only made history giving movie reviews, but we salute a man who has made history giving movie reviews while having a crazy ass moustache attached to his face. Note: Gene gets extra points for wearing bow ties whenever possible.

The 84-year-old had a lot to say about films, but his moustache always spoke for itself. [Look at this thing! It's like a hamster lives under his nose!]

Last week Gene Shalit ended his career at NBC after 41 years of giving wacky movie reviews and celebrity interviews. Here is his goodbye montage from the TODAY show:



5 Fictional Jobs That Are More Fun Than Real Ones

For those lucky souls who haven't found out the hard way, working in the Federal Bureaucracy isn't much fun. I don't talk about it in this blog much because this is my escape from the mind-numbing, soul-destroying agony that the agencies and (perhaps worse) consulting companies that try to stamp out any possible capability of creative independent thought.

But there must be other ways to make a living that are far more enjoyable, right?
Wrong!
No wait, right.


Putting together my resume, I have narrowed down what are clearly my best pursuits to become an actually-contributive member of society.

Ghostbuster
As seen on "Dirty Jobs" with Mike Rowe

This job isn't actually that hard to get, as seen by the Ghosbuster's decision to hire a token black guy just because he seemed pretty cool. The rules to Ghostbusting the same as the rules in the Men's Room: Don't Cross the Streams.

In practice, this job is kind of like being a glorified exterminator (with some janatorial aspects included). But at the end of the day, if you've stopped the haunting, you can leave your client with more of a mess than when you came.

You might find yourself being attacked by Slimers, the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man, or a crazy portrait man, but remember rule #2: When in doubt, cover it in slime.

Who you gonna call?


Jedi Knight

Once you get trained by a short green mentor, this job is basically a combination of Beat Cop and Warrior Monk.

There are several perks to becoming a Jedi:

1. Access to the Force. You can aim photon torpedoes, lift things with your mind, and convince people of things that aren't true. Fox News uses the Force?

2. Sweet Lightsabers. Finally, all those hours in Fencing Club will pay off!

However, there are some very big cons:

1. Celibacy.... unless you get married in secret. But then you might become Hayden Christensen. Even Natalie Portman isn't worth that sacrifice.

2. Temptation by the Dark Side. Remember how Qui-Gon Jinn uses the Force to manipulate the dice and win a bet on Tatooine? You know it would be tempting to take those skills to Vegas...


Billionaire Playboy/ Secret Crime Fighter

Iron man does it. Batman does it. Green Arrow does it. And they don't need to be born on the planet Krypton to make them special! All they have to do is amass billions of dollars that they neglect in management while beating petty thieves to the pulp.

It's a great job that could put you on the cover of Forbes Magazine and CrimeFighting Weekly on the same day Imagine: Mark Zuckerberg, scowering Facebook for persoanl data on potential criminals, then stalking them through the night in an armored stalker-mobile.With all the stalking, there is even a clear name for Zuckerberg's alter ego:

The Creeper. But that already exists. Oh well.

Ok, fine, call Mark "the Stalker" then.

_____ Witch of the {Cardinal Direction}

This is a job that finally moves away from law enforcement but still includes acting as a magistrate. It also provides vast options for ones moral compass (as well as geographic). As a ruling witch, one could serve as a Wicked Witch of the North or a Good Witch of the East. A witch can float around in a bubble, ride a broomstick, or just send the flying monkeys to do the damn job for her. There's not much risk of witch-burning; those munchkins have extremely corrupt unions and it will be easy for the Ruling Witch to infiltrate the Lollipop Guild.


Highlander


This isn't so much of a job as a birthright, but it comes with some responsibilities that become full-time. A Highlander is responsible for experiencing "The Quickening" and hanging out with James Bond, who will then teach you how to sleep with female assassins.

Pro: Hanging out with Sean Connery
Con: Probably getting your head chopped off.
Pro: Immortality
Con: There can be only one.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Guest Post: Best Unseen Crossovers by Gina from Fantasy Casting

You remember when Alien Vs. Predator came out? And Freddy Vs. Jason? Did you ever wonder how those came to be? Picture this:



A Hollywood production studio's board room. There's a well dressed studio exec at the head of the table, and a whole mess of yes-men in suits ready to ask "how high?" when he says "jump." There's a 30-something with very cool hair standing across the table with a proposal projecting onto the wall behind him.


30-something: "Everybody loves 'Alien'. Sigourney Weaver in her underpants, aliens, awesomeness."
general murmuring of assent
30-something: "Everybody loves 'Predator'. Arnold Schwarzeneggar outsmarting a man-hunting alien."
more positive murmuring
30-something: "What do those two classic pieces of Americana have in common?"
:: dramatic pause ::
30-something: "Bloodthirsty Aliens!"
Studio exec: "So, we make another bloodthirsty alien movie, hire an unknown actress to prance around in her underpants, pay her less than she's worth, and pocket the difference."
30-something: "No, no, no. We make a movie with JUST the bloodthirsty aliens. No girls in underpants, no handsome bodybuilders. Just the bloodthirsty aliens."
Studio Exec: "Nailed it. Who's ready for lunch?"


Now, you and I can see several places where that conversation could have gone in a different better direction, but this is Hollywood, and if there's anything I'm sure of, it's the fact that they will continue to reinvent a bad idea until they are absolutely positive that they have sucked as much money out of the bank accounts of America as possible. (despite bad reviews, the two films mentioned at the top of this postprofited over $75 million). And with that in mind, I present to you the 10 Most Awesomely Bad "VS" Movie Ideas:


Harry Potter vs. Percy Jackson: One has to retrieve Zeus' lightning bolt, the other has a scar shaped like a lightning bolt. One is is a demi-god, and the other is a god on the Quidditch field. Both will struggle with the terrible angst of having to ask a girl out for the first time. Magic! (pun intended)

Fan Art from PercyJacksonMovies.com


The Wonders vs. Josie and the Pussycats: Both are pop-rock bands that had meteoric rises to superstardom. One band fell apart because of the stress, the other uncovered a conspiracy of global proportions. The film would culminate in an all out Battle of the Bands, determining once and for all whether girls can rock as hard as the boys. Think of the gender-role implications! 


livingreadgirl.blogspot.com & listal.com


Jurassic Park vs. King Kong: The best part about this match-up? In the King Kong movie, he already fought against two dinosaurs. So we already know that audiences will love it! Brilliant!


What did you say? "Redundant?" I don't even know what that means. Moving on.


ezineseeker.com


Pee Wee Herman vs. Napoleon Dynamite: The potential for awkwardly doofy moments is so exhilarating, I can hardly stand it. Pee Wee is overly exuberant, Napoleon is so low-key that he's almost sullen. Opposites that, when properly combined, will create a cinematic masterpiece.


theflickcast.com & matrondownunder.blogspot.com


Juno vs. Alison Scott: Two unwanted pregnancies. Two different ways of dealing with it. All kinds of chick drama, crazy one liners and opportunities for other people to be super judgmental. Seth Rogan and Michael Cera must be willing to reprise their roles, though.


people.com


Edmond Dantes vs. Mr. Darcy: Men of high society from the same era fighting dueling (they didn't 'fight' back then, it wasn't proper) to the death. How could this possibly go wrong? 


What do you mean "more than fifty years apart?" Modern Americans don't know the difference. Just make sure they both wear ascots and have British accents. Wait... Count of Monte Cristo is supposed to be French? That's ridiculous. We all know everyone outside the US, or prior to 1925 spoke with a British accent. Get your history straight, man. 


dailymail.co.uk & thehayride.com


Don Michael Corleone vs. Tony Montana: Not only would this pitch two of the greatest gangsters on film against each other, but it wouldfinally (finally!) give Al Pacino his opportunity to play multiple characters in the same film, a la Eddie Murphy or Mike Meyers, just as I am certain he has always wanted to do. 

thecollider.com


Truman Burbank vs. Ed Pekurny: They could start out as allies against those filming their personal lives for profit, but eventually turn on each other in attempt to gain control of the network. 

¡Three Amigos! vs. Galaxy Quest: This one would have to be helmed by JJ Abrams or the Wachowskis, because it would be a total mindf***.  Think about it: the actors from two films about actors unknowingly facing a real enemy will come together in documentary film about said enemies, thinking it's just a film about their past experiences, allowing them to again pretend to be actors. However, it will actually be for reals! Whoa. 

tvtropes.org & toomuchteeth.blogspot.com




Average Joe's Dodgeball Team vs.  The Benchwarmers: Underdogs taking on underdogs? What's not to love about this? At some point, an underdog will finally lose.


chucksconnection.com & slantmagazine.com
 So, what do you think, internet? What awesomely bad VS movies would you like to see? 
  


Gina blogs over at Fantasy Casting, where she spouts her opinion about who should be cast in the film versions of books, comic books and anything else that strikes her fancy. You can contact her here.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Monday Moustache: There Will Be Moustache!

The (lucky?) thirteenth post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:
Daniel Day-Lewis


There are several great actors in the world, but there are few with as short and indisputably brilliant a portfolio as Daniel. Since 1997, he has been in only five films-- and yet he is still known as one of the most groundbreaking actors currently in the business.

How are is such an achievement made possible? Well, he is today's Monday Moustache, so guess where I'm going with this...


It's the MOUSTACHE of course! Sure he is a fantastic actor by himself, but his two greatest roles of the past ten years have had him sporting glorious facial hair... and they have been integral to his character, dammit.


The roles:


There Will Be Blood
Courtesy of nymag.com

The film There Will Be Blood does not refer to actual violence in the film; it has some, but far less than say, Kill Bill: Volume 1.





The title actually refers to how the audiences' eyeballs may start bleeding by viewing the awesomeness of Daniel Day-Lewis' movie moustache. His facial hair gives him incredible superpowers like drilling oil without spilling it into the Gulf of Mexico and being able to drink other peoples' milkshakes. Tony Hayward drank YOUR milkshake.




**Spoilers Below**
Day-Lewis plays Daniel Plainview, an oil entrepreneur and Scroogey misanthrope.

Walter Sobchak from the Big Lebowski


Eventually, he commits some serious murder on his personal bowling alley, which makes it the most violent bowling incident since Walter Sobchak's violent "Mark it Eight" episode in The Big Lebowski.

He was being very un-Dude. But at least he didn't piss on anyones f***ing rug.






Gangs of New York
Moustache and Top Hat Combo? HELL-O!
**Spoilers Below**
In Gangs of New York, Day-Lewis plays Bill the Butcher, a meat-cutting, knife-throwing, crime-bossing thug. He is the main antagonist, and his moustached ferocity allows him to even kill Liam Neeson (Leonardo DiCaprio's father).


The film takes place during the American Civil War and deals with the violence in New York City at that time. Bill serves as the antagonist whom DiCaprio plans on killing for the entire film, despite adopting him and acting as a replacement father figure. It's probably just 'stache envy.



These two historical moustaches bring characters and history to life while pioneering new territory in the acting world. It is said that Daniel Day-Lewis is a method actor who refuses to break character in between sets and filming... and for a clear reason: you can't fake a 'stache like that. The moustache BECOMES Daniel Day-Lewis' character, and he becomes it.







Whoopsie-Daisy.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

House of Representatives for the Human Race (Part 2)

The results are in from yesterday's Election Day, and there are no major surprises: the Democrats hung onto the Senate, the Republicans took over the House, and the Wookies maintained dominance over their secret shadow government that rules us all.



Several Supreme Court members disguise themselves as humans with black robes and judicious demeanors.


Shadow governments aside, the People of Earth still need representation. To have a functional deliberative legislative body, the great heroes chosen yesterday make up only a small part of what is needed to represent the worlds great diversity.

Continuing yesterday's list of qualified members of the House of Representatives for the Human Race:


Cookie Monster
Cholesterol starts with C!
It's important to have passion on any team, and if Humanity is to be enfranchised we need someone to advocate our Id. Cookie Monster represents the hungry, slightly crazy blue furball in each of us. And c'mon, he has googley eyes.




Al Pacino

Why hasn't America gotten into a third World War? Simple. We have nuclear weapons, and we know that such a war would end with life-ending atomic explosions.

The same logic makes Al Pacino a benefit to the team. No disagreement amongst the House of Human Representatives will ever turn into a shouting match with him on board. Who can yell out arguments louder than Pacino? His lungs are like bagpipes!


Oprah


Why Oprah? Because she's Oprah, and everyone loves her. Duh. Plus, she might give everyone a free car.


Lady Gaga
If this group of heroes has the mission of making alien beings feel more comfortable, then Lady Gaga will be an asset. There's a large chance she has an outfit that matches whatever the aliens happen to be wearing. Also, it's always good to have a poker face at the negotiation table.


Conan O'Brien
Conan O'Brien has lots of tools at his disposal that make him valuable. They include:
1. A lever that plays Walker, Texas Ranger clips
2. Triumph, the insult comic dog
3. Ghostly complexion and awesomely goofy hair
4. The ability to make any situation awkward.


There they are: the emergency-response team for any global crisis! The combined abilities of these individuals  will allow them to accomplish anything!  Just make sure the Wookies give permission first.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Election Day: The Best Representatives of the Human Race

Today is election day, a booming part of the year for the "I Voted" sticker industry.

Over the next 24 to 24,000 hours, cable news channels will provide all sorts of analysis on why gay white Jewish Colorblind Pirates voted more Democratic than usual. Seeing as this is a non-Presidential election, pirates will probably make up a large part of the electorate.


Some people (myself included) follow politics closer than is necessary, namely because the WWE has been getting soft ever since The Rock left to star in movies like Race to Witch Mountain. Something dramatic, violent, and absurd was still needed to fill time between commercials, so Capitol Hill began filling that void with assistance from several cable news channels.

Perhaps this is just the surprise Mick Foley visit to the Rally to Restore Sanity speaking, but politics seems to resemble the drama of a professional wrestling ring more than ever these days.

A typical portrayal of politics in our national media:

Democrat: Can you smell what the Senate is cooking?
Republican: I'm going to fillibuster you to the ground!
Democrat: Not if I give you "The People's Elbow" first!
Republican: You're a Nazi.
Democrat: What's a Nazi?

...and so on.

If aliens were to come and observe our planet, lets face it: our current political process would not be the aspect of society we would use to sell our qualifications to learn the secrets of interstellar travel.

But elections are designed to choose representatives for humanity! As citizens, if our representatives are not who we would want to meet with new galactic freinds, then who do we choose?

Luckily, the Third Strike has selected some qualified candidates to represent the Human Race in the case we need to hold an emergency meeting of Earth's elites.

The House of Representatives for the Human Race:

Lance Armstrong
Eat it, Cancer!
Lance Armstrong proved that mankind is capable of being a complete bad-ass and that you can look cool in spandex. He came back from three types of cancer to win the Tour de France 7 times... so making nice with some aliens should be cake.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Technically... still a politician
OK, so technically Arnold is already a politician and he will be for the next couple weeks. Just like Barack Obama hired Larry Summers, sometimes you need to hire a guy from the inside who has his hands dirty. If things go south for Earth, Arnold has experience dealing with planetary threats. And nobody messes with the Governator.

Xena
My name is Lucy, dammit!
Xena tries to go by her "birth name" Lucy Lawless. But deep down inside, we all know the truth. A is A, and Xena is Xena. Clearly Xena is needed to bring some masculine femininity to the team of Earth's representatives.

Dwayne Johnson aka The Rock
Hey Guys. Remember how I used to wrestle in underwear?
To be honest, Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson doesn't bring anything useful to the team. I just want to keep him busy so he doesn't have time to film Race to Witch Mountain 2.

Keanu Reeves
Whoa.
Keanu usually ends up saving the world with a vacant expression on his face. It's a good idea to have on the team.

George Will
It's good to have someone who always thinks he's smarter than you around to provide some snarky leadership critiques. This curmudgeon could rain on even the sunniest parade-- but his perspective could help give the team some insight. As he said:

"The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised."


Spongebob Squarepants
Who better to mop the floor with some potentially dangerous aliens than an anthropomorphic sponge? Besides, it's hard not to love this guy... he's like a squishy, soggy, square teddy bear.

Movies Are Sucking

I need to get something off of my chest.

I was watching the previews at the movie theater last week and I saw this disgraceful thing:





Can we all just admit that the upcoming Denzel Washington film “Unstoppable” looks absolutely terrible? Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan. Like most rational women in the world, I would give a kidney to have Denzel’s child. I’ve put up with his recurring role as the same character in every movie. I’ve also put up with his decision to ignore all of my phone calls. However, enough is enough. There is no excuse for this movie. It’s about an out-of-control, unstoppable mode of transportation that is causing fear and panic to the community! *gasps* Wait, I’ve heard of this plot before. Oh, that’s right. It’s called SPEED.


How was this movie pitched anyway!? I can just imagine:


Screenwriter: “Ok, so I have this great idea: Denzel Washington…”

Movie studio: “I like where you’re going with this. Go on.”

Screenwriter: “… and some hot young guy from that Star Trek movie….”

Movies studio: “… yes! What else!?...”

Screenwriter: “…plowing through a city on a superfast vehicle that WON’T STOP!”

Movie studio: “But what vehicle!?”

Screenwriter: “A bus?”

Movie studio: “No, it’s been done!”

Screenwriter: “How about a cruise ship!?”

Movie studio: “Too free-roaming!”

Screenwriter: “How about – a TRAIN!??!?!!!!”

Movie studio: “BRILLIANT!!!”


If the people who decided to make this film really wanted to be creative (and more eco-friendly – we all know trains burn so much coal. pshh), they would have had Denzel Washington save a city from an unstoppable Prius. Or they would have just cast Samuel L. Jackson instead and named the movie“Snakes on a Train.”


Now THAT, I would see!