Thursday, March 31, 2011

Throwback Thursday: Japanese Radiation Fears on the Rise

(New York, New York) - As thousands of Japanese, still awaiting answers on the fate of their loved ones nearly three weeks after an immense earthquake and subsequent tsunami, Americans in New York City are now beginning to feel the effects.  Trace amounts of radiation have been detected in rain water, runoff and in bananas across the city.

Representatives to the Nuclear Regulatory Commission were surprised to find a large concentration of deadly Iodine-143 radiation near a local pet shop in Brooklyn.  Radiation is said to exceed 5000 times the norm.

In unrelated news, crime is on the rise near the local pet shop.  Among the items stolen: 4 pet turtles, 4 yards of blue, red, orange and purple fabric, various weapons and 432 pizzas.  A female suspect in a tight yellow jumpsuit has been taken into questioning at the local precinct.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Monday Moustache: Smokey and the Moustache

Today marks the thirty-second post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:

Burt Reynolds

YES, it's him! Ladies want him, men want to be him, and moustaches want to be on him. He's Burt-Freaking-Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds has made several lifetime accomplishments, including the films White Lightning and its sequel Gator. Animated super-spy Sterling Archer is an enormous fan.
Burt Reynolds' #1 fan, wearing a homage fake moustache

Burt also starred in other hits, such as Smokey and the Bandit, Boogie Nights, The Longest Yard, and most famously, Sesame Street: The Movie.

Burt's moustache migrated north for the film, disguised as a unibrow... it somehow looks less bad-ass.

We should hand it to Burt Reynolds for aging gracefully; he is the king of the silver foxes. And most importantly, throughout the years... he has kept his glorious moustache!

There are no grey hairs south of Burt's nose
Burt has been romantically linked with a bundle of moustache-loving starlets, including two short-lived marriages. They may have been short lived for quotes like this:
"Marriage is about the most expensive way for the average man to get laundry done."
So.... Burt may not have been the greatest husband?

But when it comes to mustache, no one can question his Deliverance.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Throwback Thursday: Irresponsible Babysitter Loses Kids in Chicago, Parents call for Amber Alert

(CHICAGO, IL) - Local babysitter, and possible Ms. November Playboy Model, Chris Parker has seemingly abducted two children, Brad and Sara Anderson of a Chicago Suburb.  The children were last seen on the side of the expressway in Ms. Parker's Cadillac. The vehicle was later found at a downtown chop shop.  Some unnamed sources have reported that Ms. Parker and the Anderson children along with a pimple faced boy were spotted climbing buildings, riding the 'L', participating in knife fights and signing the blues.

If you spot either of these children, please contact your local authorities.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The Whale That Ate Jaws

My entire world is completely shaken.

People (nerds with too much time on their hands) often argue over who will win in a fight: a shark or a crocodile?
Move over, Alien vs. Predator
This is always a great argument, partly because it's almost impossible to think of a scenario where it could possibly occur. Unless the world's mad scientists start pulling their weight.

Nevertheless, the point is that we like to see nature's badasses battle it out. That's why the Romans watched Russel Crowe fight Ben Hur.

But we've been making a mistake; the question we SHOULD have been asking  is... who will win in a different fight: a Killer Whale or a Great White Shark?
Timmy will learn to swim faster after looking down

Not only is this plausible.... but we HAVE AN ANSWER!!!
Anyone making bets should consider an important formula:
Jaws > Free Willy

That's straight-up math... and that is infallible. OR IS IT? Now taking bets....
Taking bets...
No more bets, please...

It turns out that Willy is the Rocky Balboa of the seas, and will go the distance (and then some) by taking out a Great White!!!!


Pay up. You know you picked Jaws.

What an underdog. Those Great Whites must have been getting too hungry from dreaming all day about eating delicious humans. Orcas used to eat penguins and seals, but started feeling guilty after watching Happy Feet. So now a cluster of Killer Whales have taught each other how to disarm (and then dismember) SHARKS.

On top of the (easy) victory by the Killer Whale, the 100+ other sharks in the area apparently got the hell-out-of-Dodge after the whale attack... implying that they are cowardly bullies.

Screw Shark Week. I'm starting to be terrified of whales. Let's hope they don't figure out how to escape the confines of the ocean.
Oh Dear God, NO!!!

**special thanks to Kelly Whitton, for inspiring/contributing to the bulk of this post**

Monday, March 21, 2011

Monday Moustache: Elementary, My Dear Moustache

Today marks the thirty-first post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:


Dr. John H. Watson is famous for assisting Sherlock Holmes with solving mysteries and defeating Ken Jennings at Jeopardy.

Watson has come in many incarnations: he has been portrayed as a  bad-ass Jude Law and as an animated mouse that Disney renamed "Dawson" for some reason (The Great Mouse Detective). As for the latter, odds are that the character was relabeled to help market the animated film to pro-rodent Dawson Creek fans. Or... to avoid copyright infringement.

In any case, all instances have kept the moustache: the unshakable, defining trait of the character.

At least Mickey didn't make a cameo
Watson is an iconic sidekick and a highly capable doctor, though his reputation was put at Jeopardy (get it???) by the sinister Lord Blackwood. As Robert Downey Jr. so eloquently put it:
"No girl wants to marry a doctor who can't tell if a man's dead or not!"
Watson's recent problems with human anatomy probably stem from the fact that he has now become more machine than man, much like Darth Vader (who also struggled with biology). He has also developed an annoying habit of answering in the form of a question.
A semi-corporeal Watson still has a moustache
Whether he's being depicted by Guy Richie or plugged by IBM, this character is a literary, cinematic, and television classic.

Who is... Watson. Elementary, my dear Trebek.

Friday, March 18, 2011

13-Year-Old Climbs Mount Everest & Puts Dora the Explorer to Shame

The Third Strike, a bit slow on the uptake, has just learned that less than a year ago, in May of 2010, a 13-year-old boy named Jordan Romero climbed to the top of Mount Everest.

That's right, a kid who can't name the state capitals was sitting at the top of the world.

This is all sorts of crazy-- in no small part because of his age. Perhaps his parents "encouraged" him to make this climb, the last of the Seven Summits, the highest point on each continent.
"Jordan, you've failed your fractions quiz. Go climb the Andes."
"Ah, Come on Mom, do I have to?"
 Seriously, this kid was 13 years old??? OK, only 2 months from being 14, excuse me. I mean... I get that watching Hannah Montana re-runs might not have been doing it for you, but hot damn! Yep... he put Dora the Explorer to shame.

To be quite honest, the more I read about climbing Everest, the more this starts striking me as child abuse, no matter how driven a precocious little scamp might be.

For some less-than-pleasant reading, check out a mountain climbing teams' ethical dilemma to leave David Sharp behind to his death. The controversy largely fell on Mark Inglis, who continued his climb (with two prosthetic limbs) without providing assistance for Sharp. Such situations are not unprecedented. In fact, of the roughly 2,700 people who have seen the summit, the mountain has claimed a solid 8% of that number: 216 lives lost to the quest for the summit.

The conditions on the mountain get so dangerous that there is an entire area called the "Death Zone", and bodies often get left where they fall, making them visible even from the MAIN PATH of the mountain.

I'm really not sure this is the kind of thing responsible parents should be injecting into their children. I don't believe for a second that this son-of-a-mountain-climber just happened to have been "inspired by a mural at school". I mean... c'mon.... like Tiger Woods decided to start golf after watching Caddyshack?

So yes, where was I. Ah, yes... Pre-teens making the rest of us look bad.
You too, Justin Bieber.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Happy Sssst Patty's Day

Antifreeze, or beer? Taking all bets!
Today is Saint Patrick's Day! This is the one time of the year that drinking a green beer will lead to vomitting.... and be ok! Heck, it's more than ok.... it's a celebration!

According to legend, St Patrick chased the sinful snakes out of Ireland in ancient times, which is why the Irish are so renowned for not sinning too much. Or drinking!

St Patrick may have had an easy time chasing the snakes out, since evidence points to the fact that no snakes having ever lived in Ireland to begin with. Some nay-sayers may then question why we celebrate him so animatedly....

To that, I say this: Quiet You! I submit that if there WERE no snakes to chase out, that simply expedited St Patrick's serpent-chasing. Just like how I take credit for the absence of Grizzly Bears in the office right now. Where's my bonus???

Of course, hardcore Patty fans will dispute this; some will insist that the legends are true no matter what the evidence. Somehow those people also refuse to worship me when I show them my ability to walk on water while we go ice-skating.

In any case, Saint Patrick is a man worth celebrating... every March 17th! After all, he very well may have had a moustache like those smart Guiness guys!!!
(Brilliant actually refers to their moustaches)

Because the holiday falls on the day of St Patrick's death, an important question must be raised: who now guards Ireland from a NEW snake invasion?

Could the Third Strike introduce an invasive species to Ireland, where they would thrive due to the immediate natural camouflage of the Land of 1000 Greens? I would give the snakes 3 months before they start running the Emerald Tiger like their own personal piggy bank, making me the de facto ruler of the island....

Lucky for everybody else, Samuel L. Jackson is always on the look out for criminal snakes. Get these mother f***ing snakes off my mother f***ing island.

If Saint Jackson's hard work isn't enough, Ireland can always combine the legacy of St. Patrick with the Springfield tradition of Whacking Day: Springfield residents hunt snakes to the tune of Barry White.
"Whacking Day" is popular amongst 12 year old boys

So everyone grab a Guiness & Jameson! Watch your favorite scenes from classic Irish-themed films like The Boondock SaintsThe Departed, and Leprechaun 5: In the Hood!

Maybe you can even practice your Parseltongue... although you might just sound like a drunk. Still, if the practice pays out, being elevated to sainthood would make it worth the wait. Just like Guiness.

**Author's note: Thank you to Lee for the Samuel L. Jackson joke**

Monday, March 14, 2011

Pi Day

Today is a good day for things to come full circle. It's Pi Day... March 14th. Or, if you're still not getting it, 3/14.

How do we celebrate the pi in our lives? My recommendation is to hug a stranger, wrapping them with a perfect circle of love. Alternatively, listening to A Perfect Circle is a lot less likely to get you socked in the gut, but it is much more likely to be depressingly emo.

I'm not Mathematician,  but that circle looks like it actually needs improvement. *Sigh* Rock Stars...
The safest way to satisfyingly celebrate Pi day is to eat some celebratory pies! Pies are so amazing that we make them out of pretty much everything; we even have pie-eating contests to show who can appreciate the most pies without vomiting.

Third Strike is here to help you navigate through the 360 degrees of pie.

Most pies are 6 degrees from Kevin Bacon. Kevin Bacon owns a small pie-making business that keeps kosher just to baffle people. It's called "Kevin Bacon's Baconless Pies". The company is expected to declare bankruptcy this Friday.

Types of Pies
Savory Pies

  • Bacon and egg pie: Kevin Bacon's favorite
  • Butter pie: For those who have lost the will to live
  • Chicken and mushroom pie: Be careful with the shrooms.
  • Corned beef pie: I never figured out how beef can be corned, at least not in any way I want to know.
  • Cottage pie/Shepherds' pie: Surprisingly good for English food
  • Game pie: too gamey.
  • Fish pie: Fish belong in stick form
  • Homity pie: Wtf?
  • Meat pie: Kind of un-American
  • Pasty: Test in winter
  • Pizza pie: Technically not a pie, but screw that. I'm not the pie police.
  • Pork pie: That sounds like a good insult to call someone
  • Pot pie: A safe alternative to shroom pie
  • Quiche: Technically a pie, but pizza isn't? What a country.
  • Scotch pie: Sign me up. Now.
  • Curry pie: Don't sign me up.
  • Stargazy pie: Whoever named this had their head in the clouds
  • Steak pie: Why have hamburger when you can have Steak pie
  • Steak and kidney pie: I woke up in a tub full of ice with this pie on the window sill. I don't trust it.
Sweet Pies
  • Apple pie: Tastes like America
  • Banoffee pie: Had to look this up. *drools*
  • Blackberry pie: A triumph for black berries everywhere
  • Blueberry pie: Just don't get it on your clothes
  • Buko pie: Not American
  • Cherry pie: Very American.
  • Chess pie: Bishop to D4.
  • Cream pie: Way too easy to be misinterpreted as something sexual
  • Custard pie: Slightly safer than cream pie
  • Key lime pie: I can never taste the key.
  • Strawberry Rhubarb pie: Combining delicious things
Pies To Avoid

  • Cow Pies: You'll never make this mistake twice
  • Cheesecake: I know, it's delicious. Unfortunately, this is clearly a pie, and it calls itself a cake. It's like a transexual prostitute: you don't really know exactly what you're getting, and you still won't be sure the next morning... You might need therapy.
  • Alpha Beta Pi: Worst party I ever went to in college.
Now you know your way around the pie! Enjoy! Oh, yes... one more thing...

Watch out for pies in the face!

Domestic Disturbance


Early this month, I apologized for February's poor posting performance, and commit to do better. Alas, here we are in mid-March, and the posting has slowed to record stagnation. For that, I very much apologize.

Recently, the Third Strike has been negotiating the distance between New York City and Washington D.C. As is typical when Washington D.C. is involved, politics are frenzied and change is stuck in a legislative deadlock. Much like The Godfather Part III, the quality work of Washington that DOES get accomplished goes unsung, and the city pulls people "back in" every time they try to get out. It's not that bad a film!

Metaphors are Fun

New York, of course, does not care for politics, and is more about "getting stuff done", and does not particularly care to employ the skills of Washingtonians. New York is a little bit less impassioned and impulsive, and doesn't want Washington D.C. to pack its bags and move to somewhere foolish like New Jersey. Washington D.C. would like to follow its passions and pursue happiness, but the cities are having some difficulties in reaching consensus in the wisdom in that kind of rash audacity.

The result, readers? There have been fewer posts. Washington D.C. has been close to shutting down and has been moving on with life a few weeks at a time... but things are looking up. New York and D.C. are still two amazing places, and they still have a beautiful connection. I-95? And what's more... both places will tough it out, no matter what connection subsists.

The Third Strike is far from done.

Hooray for metaphors

Monday Moustache: I am the Walrus

Today marks the thirtieth post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:

The Walrus

That's right... this week's mustache award goes to... walruses: the owners of nature's little moustache!

The walrus is such an amazing creature that it naturally grows a glorious moustache without the use of mustache wax, trimming scissors, or mustache combs. They don't even use mirrors to admire their superior 'staches... though that is probably for the best, as they would end up enthralled by their gallant reflections like the Greek Narcissus.

One Myth that can't be busted? That hair was stolen from a Walrus

The Walrus has made its way into human culture by many forms, way beyond mankind simply attempting to mimic the mustache.

Lewis Carrol included a story about a Walrus hanging out with a Carpenter and eating some deliciously innocent oysters iThrough the Looking Glass.
See Dogma for the "religious significance" of this story
In the book, Alice at first liked the metafictional Walrus better... but that was until she found out that he was even greedier than the Carpenter. However, Alice was tripping on shrooms when she finally decided that both of them were unsavory characters. After all, oysters are delicious. Stop being so fucking judgmental. Screw Alice. :)

Even John Lennon wanted to be a Walrus.
Told you so.
It is often said that the Walrus has the largest penis of any mammal. However, this might not be true, because Blue Whales are ridiculously big, and they have to mate somehow. I invite readers to Google "big penis" and see what comes up-- I'm not ready to make that plunge yet.

In any case, since the rumor persists, people must at least ASSUME that the walrus is well-endowed... probably because they are so damn awesome.

It's the moustache.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Monday Moustache: Bring in 'da Noise, Bring in 'da Funke

Today marks the twenty-ninth post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:
Tobias Funke

Almost everything in Tobias Funke's online bio is so absurd that it makes Third Strike laugh and snort milk out the nose. Gross.

So just who is this creation by the prolific David Cross, and what's special about his Funkey moustache?

Tobias Funke was originally intended to be a minor character in Arrested Development, but his role was increased when everyone realized how ridiculous David Cross could be. Tobias is a "Never-Nude", which, as Ron Howard narrates it, is exactly what it sounds like.
Tobias at his physical

Tobias was licensed as a therapist and an analyst, making him the first licensed "Anal-rapist". He has a tendency to make the verbal faux pas, and often finds himself in trouble (usually regarding questions to his sexuality) due to his obliviousness. Example: accidentally joining a gay protest while dressed as a pirate, after misunderstanding a joke as a party theme.

After attempting to give CPR to a sleeping (but otherwise healthy) tourist, Tobias lost his medical licenses, and gets inspired to become an actor. Like the many doctors who become actors so they can live the life of a TV doctor (which is typically more interesting than saving real lives, and allows for more hang time with Hugh Laurie), Tobias fails miserably.

So what makes Tobias and his moustache interesting? The Monday Moustache does not get awarded to failures!

Well, following his acting rejections, Tobias decided to find a group-therapy gathering to cure his growing depression. Due to his characteristic misunderstandings, he finds himself mistakenly joining The Blue Man Group.
I feel Blue...
This moustache is an EPIC WIN for introducing the moustache to the formerly 'stache-prejudiced Blue Man Group. Tobias Funke is the Monday Moustache's first Blue person, a milestone for people of unusual color everywhere.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

National Pancake Day!

For those of you who don't know, today is National Pancake Day!
IHOP is giving out a FREE SHORTSTACK of deliciousness to anyone who walks under their blue roof.
The International House of Pancakes is a franchise owned by the United Buttery Nations
IHOP is hoping that the money one would have spent on flapjacks will be donated to their charity of choice: Children's Miracle Network hospitals.

I, for one, am extremely excited about this charity/giveaway. It is predicted to go much better than the Waffle House Awareness Month about the Dangers at Waffle House.

For some reason, pancakes and Twitter go hand in hand. The Third Strike decided to try its hand at some serious tweeting action!

Keeping in mind that I tweet usually about once a month, here is what flapjack glory inspired:

I especially like my first (last) tweet. I imagine that the pancakes were inspired by the democratic revolutions taking place in the Middle East, to break the waffle-iron-fist-tight grasp on Breakfasting Society.

They're hungry for freedom... and blueberries.