Monday, December 27, 2010

Monday Moustache: Ho, Ho, Mo

The twentieth post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:

Santa Clause

The Third Strike has been happy to spend a great deal of time on the topic of Santa. Frankly the guy (despite Third Strike's recent character assassination, worthy of Rita Skeeter) is worthy of some adoration. After all, he gives presents to children. So what if he's a Communist? So what if he's lagging behind the tide of elfish social issues? A man (or woman's) moustache is representative of the boldness and integrity of the individual's face... not his/her mistakes

Third Strike rarely chooses a Monday Moustache accompanied by a beard. Distracting from a moustache with a beard is like putting a steak into a hamburger bun.

Santa Clause might disappoint children; perhaps they do not believe he exists. Perhaps one of them did not receive the Lego Star Wars Millennium Falcon he asked for. Still waiting Santa...

But Santa's warm moustache and beard will be there in the local mall waiting to comfort children anyways. Sit in the lap and feel the magic. When I say that to women, they get upset for some reason.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Merry Christmas from Third Strike!

Merry Christmas from Third Strike!

Third Strike's gift to readers: Rob's first video on the blog. Amanda beat him to it ages ago.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Breaking News: Santa Reconsiders Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Following the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, signed by President Obama this morning, news sources are reporting that Santa Claus is also reconsidering his position on allowing gay elves to work in his workshop.

The North Pole has remained torn on this issue for several years; one elf (who requested to remain anonymous) was quoted by Third Strike:
"Have you been up to the North Pole lately? It's freezing up here, Global warming or not. Sometimes we have to huddle together to combine our body heat. You don't want to know it's not a candy cane in the other elf's pocket when that happens."
"Just because I want to be a dentist and I like other men doesn't make me less of an elf!"
Other elves have been much more open to the idea of allowing gay elves to work openly in the workplace. Smiley the Elf was quoted:
"Of course I knew some of the elves were gay. When Papa Elf came up with the ThunderCats toy line, there was no question in my mind. But its not like kids are opening presents and thinking 'I sure hope a gay elf didn't make this.' Why not let him be open about who he is?"
Papa the Elf also designs outfits for Lady Gaga.
 Santa has previously held the position that he would like to wait for the results of a survey on elf morale. The survey indicated that the repeal could viably take place while continuing toy production without interruption before next Christmas. Nonetheless with this Christmas' legislative season almost over, few expected Santa to take drastic step towards elf-equality.

Santa has recently begun adjusting his position this on the subject today, leading many to believe he may make an announcement just prior to his Christmas Eve work schedule. Earlier this year, he gave a speech to the Gay Elf Alliance (GEA):
"I represent the Christmas spirit. The Christmas spirit is about love, about acceptance, about caring; it's not about exacting ones' beliefs and judgments on what other consenting adults do. As long as everyone is asleep before I come down the chimney, nobody will end up on my naughty list for the reason of  loving someone else.
Christmas is a hectic season for us, and we have a tight schedule and a heavy workload. We should look forward to the day when every able-and-willing elf is not just allowed, but encouraged, to make toys."
Unlike most Communist Dictators, Santa remains open to lobbying. Most notably, the surprise combination of Harvey Milk and the Cookie Monster (founding The Association of Cookie and Milk) formed in the 1970s has had growing support in recent years. Several meetings with Santa have left crumbs of hope.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Monday Moustache: I speak for the 'stache

The nineteenth post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:

The Lorax

The Lorax is a Dr. Seuss creation and the eponymous hero of the book The Lorax. The Lorax speaks for the trees; in fact, most of what he says is:
"I am the Lorax! I speak for the trees!"
Right on message there, Lorax.

The Lorax, so busy speaking for the trees, decided to grow a moustache that speaks for itself.

Half walrus and half Furby, the Lorax was the sole founder of Greenpeace in 1971. The Lorax realized that his itty-bitty arms were too short to hug trees alone (and fully establish him as the world's leading tree-hugger), so he invented the human chain circle and recruited followers.

Facial hair is an informal requirement for joining Greenpeace; use of razors and shaving cream are technically prohibited as they have been known to threaten endangered moustaches.

Christmas came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes or bags!

The Lorax found himself at odds against the industrious Once-ler, who cut down the magical Truffula trees. The trees were used to create awesome pajama pants
Step 1: cut down trees
Step 2: Knit the treetops. Sure, whatever
Step 3: Wave your fashion statement in the Lorax's face

Sadly, no amount of fuzzy cuteness or tree-stump soapboxing could save the Truffula trees... and even the moustached Lorax failed to stop the Once-ler. With the last tree cut down, the Lorax left a contemplable message:
A young Al Gore makes a cameo in The Lorax
Of course, the fashion industry takes this message as "Unless we find some new Truffula trees, we're going to have to start designing more than just pajama pants". But then again, those are the people who set the price of a Coach purse. I'm not sure I trust the judgement that decided a bag is worth $800.

The awesome thing about the Lorax is that he only represents one side of the story by being the "voice for the trees." In fact, the Once-ler creates a booming economy, full of truck drivers and implicitly some crazy engineers that create tree-chopping machines. Completely ignoring the Lorax leads to over-logging; strictly abiding by his tree lobby will prevent the Once-ler from feeding the Once-ler kiddies. This forest needs Michael Bloomberg.

During this Chrismas season, the Lorax will forgive us for our Christmas trees. After all, he's not a Grinch. Although the Lorax suggests throwing the "bad banana with a greasy black peel" into your mulch pile, and nursing your seasick crocodile back to health.
Mulch Piles? Stink. Stank. Stunk.

Fashions may change, climates may shift, but one thing stays constant: The Lorax and his moustache are timeless. We will always remember its messages....

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Santa Claus the Communist

The Third Strike recently had a revelation while discussing Santa Claus.
Santa needs caffeine to deliver all those presents
What is Santa's first name?

The first possibility is that Santa's first name is... well... Santa.

"Santa" seems more of a title, like "Mr", "Doctor", or "Your Holiness". So Third Strike quickly ruled out that option.

The next contending name has to be Nick. As in St. Nick. Christmas movies have affirmed this suspicion.

 That name is short for St. Nicholas, as in Nikolaos of Myra. Since Myra is a place, I suppose that Nicholas could be a first name or a last name-- let's table that one for the moment.

The next name, of course, would be Chris Kringle. Or is it Kris Kringle? Whatever.

Chris is absolutely his first name in this case. But for Santa, is Chris a first name, or the first name.

Third Strike came to the conclusion that Santa's full name is most likely Santa Chris-Nick Claus. You can forget about us calling him "Piere Noel", France. It's not gonna happen.

Hmmmm... Chris-Nick, ChrisNick. KrisNick?

That name is obviously extremely Russian. And if "Santa" enjoys having children substitute his name with that title, that seems awfully suspicious. You know what other Russians has a title that can replace his name? CZAR!

It's a known fact that communist dictators universally enjoy milk and cookies.

That's right, children. Santa is a Communist. Why did you think that he is always giving presents away for free like some state-run welfare program? He is even wearing red suit while he breaks into your home. Question Santa at your own peril, for he rules the North Pole with an iron sleigh. 

As for Santa's Communist system? Elves, clearly, are those whom are most capable of making toys. If you've ever seen a Santa's village, you will have to admit that Christmas elves are talented; who else can build a Playstation 3 at a woodworking station? That's amazing!
Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?
As Marx said: 
"From each according to his ability, to each according to his need"
Elves produce the toys for you children, and you will consume them. Oddly, children of rich parents need more toys than the children of poor children, showing a creeping increase of capitalist values into the Communist Christmas spirit. Capitalism, naturally, states that rich children deserve more, because it is their birthright to be spoiled little bastards.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Closet Comic Book Movies (Part 3)

My second post was meant to close out this subject, but I just found out about another comic book film (a franchise, actually) that I never would have guessed originally came from comics.

18. Men In Black

The Men In Black film spawned a sequel, an album, a cartoon show, and the career of Will Smith.
There is apparently an upcoming third installment that, unlike Indiana Jones 4, won't be ruined by having aliens.

One has to ask, what is this movie going to be about? I'm not sure if I ever even saw the sequel. Apparently some jackass is in it.

The point remains that this is a comic book film! The comics began in 1990, and ran in limited series published by Aircel comics (bought later by Marvel). The film came out in 1997, and focused strictly on aliens (the comics apparently had a Hellboy-type approach). Is Hellboy a closet comic book film? That one seems obvious...

Monday Moustache: It Will Rock You

The eighteenth post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:
Freddie Mercury

Last week, the Monday Moustache was awarded to an athletic champion; this week, it goes to a Killer Queen.

Freddie Mercury, lead singer of Queen and notable 'stache enthusiast, was not just a rock god, but a force of nature. When Queen sings that "We Will Rock You", you have to believe it. After all, they are the champions.

The ballad/opera/rock attack "Bohemian Rhapsody" actually breaks Newton's laws of physics. The song's waveform fluctuates throughout the different sections so drastically it looks like Richard Nixon's lie detection test results.

I am not a crook. *Under Pressure*
Truth be told, it's not really fair to compare Freddie Mercury to Richard Nixon; Freddie made his position crystal clear:

"I don't wanna be a candidate
for Vietnam or Watergate, 
cause all I wanna do is 

Freddie's Statue in Tottenham Court Road
And bicycle he did... into the halls of glory and moustache fame. Mercury's unbeatable song portfolio and groovy lifestyle inspired the London musical We Will Rock You, a dystopian story where Queen's music ends up saving the Earth. If you are ever in London, do yourself a favor and see it.

Even Lady Gaga's name is derivative of Queen; She was told (early in her career) that her vocals are reminiscent of Freddie Mercury, and she used his song "Radio Gaga" to create her stage identity. Freddy didn't need to wear a dress made of cheeseburger.

Not a gay icon?
Freddie's life is full of mythology, some being true and some false. For example, despite his status as a gay icon, he had a long-term relationship with a woman (Mary Austin) whom he felt was his one true friend. However, he was certainly not bound by heterosexuality, and his constant flings eroded any monogamous relationships. Neither men nor women could resist his 'stache. 

Born Farrokh Bulsara (a name that bites the dust), Freddie claimed he was a shy man off of the stage. Probably why he grew a moustache to hide behind!

Tragically, Freddie died from AIDS in 1991, but his legend lives on. He once sang "Who Wants to Live Forever?"

He will.
"Don't Stop Me Now"

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Upcoming WikiLeaks

The Third Strike is not making a statement on WikiLeaks and/or Julian Assange; that is what my Facebook wall is for (along with the accompanying onslaught of disagreement, hate mail, and leaking political opinions to my mother). However, since Third Strike is a factual & journalistic blog about important issues, it has been decided that we shall discuss likely government secrets that HAVE NOT, but will SOON be released to the public:

**some information has been redacted for being true**

1. The Stonecutters exist, and have been suppressing the metric system.... Stone does not cut well into metric intervals.
Who keeps Atlantis off the maps? Who keeps the Martians under wraps? We do! We do!

2. The Planet of the Apes WAS our planet, but it happened the past. The Statue of Liberty, after coming alive in Ghostbusters 2, jumped through a portal in time. She decided to nap on the beach while waiting for time to elapse to the present, and the tide slowly buried her with sand.
You can pry this Proton Pack from my cold, dead fingers.

3. Nickelback is trying to overthrow the world with bad song lyrics. We've all known that "secret" for years.

4. Dinosaur bones really were buried 3,000 years ago. Dinosaurs existed and were temporarily domesticated by man. Egyptian hieroglyphics were found years ago showing Ramses II riding a T-Rex before it died from Dino-pox. The Illuminati decided to hide the existence of remaining dinosaurs to keep all 8-year-old boys' dreams from coming true.

5. The moon landing was staged. After NASA realized that no man could tear themselves from a planetoid made of cheese, they filmed a fake landing in a Hollywood studio. The mice that were sent to space, however, safely landed and have thrived on the moon (despite severe cholesterol problems).

6. Giant Ants are planning to invade the Earth. They are coming from space and there is nothing that you can do about it.
Enjoy working in a sugar mine, slaves!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Closet Comic Book Movies (Part 2)

Today, I am continuing my post on "comic book movies you didn't realize were based on comics." Why? Because nothing is more comic-y than sequels!  There are still plenty of films that have not yet gotten their due, so this is their turn! I will say that most of these films I have not seen, so my commentary on them is strictly asinine. They're random, they're weird, they are:

6. Art School Confidential

I know nothing about this film. But I learned recently that is based on a comic book! The series and film make fun of art school. As if those kids didn't get enough of that in High School.
Apparently John Malkovich plays The Penguin

7. Bulletproof Monk
Chow Yung-Fat and Seann William Scott.

Or, better said...

The yellow-scare pirate from At World's End and Stifler.

8. Constantine

Keanu Reeves always needs his chance to save the world!

For some reason, the title was changed from Hellblazer to Constantine for this film. Perhaps it was to prevent confusion with Hellraiser.... because Hollywood thinks that we are all stupid. Pinheads?

9. Fritz the Cat
Cats having sex. It was a comic first. What a trip.
I don't even have anything snarky I can say to this.

10. Alan Moore Films: From Hell & V for Vendetta
Alan Moore preparing for his role as a homeless warlock

From Hell was the first Alan Moore film that he hated, but it would not be the last. Later, Watchmen, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and even V for Vendetta all eventually received his wrath. I think that's crazy, since the last one is a fantastic film. Nonetheless, Moore hated that it was modernized to speak to a contemporary audience. Someone is a little overprotective. He should do what George Lucas did and sell out! And shave...

What is this about.
11. Ghost World
I don't know...
In Ghost World, Scarlett Johansen plays a girl who is unpopular in high school. All former teenage boys: kick yourselfThora Birch also stars.

12. Red

Bruce Willis and John Malkovich in a comic book film? And Morgan Freeman? And Helen Mirren? WHY DID I NOT SEE THIS??? Netflix, here we come!

13. The Rocketeer

Take THAT, Nazi!
Is that James Bond as a villain?
If you haven't seen this, it's an older comic book film (1991). It's actually pretty awesome, and involves fighting Nazis. All the best movies are about fighting Nazis. Or they have Bruce Willis.

14. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

This one might be obvious. But the comic is a recent one, and very popular strip. The film was pretty rockin' too. Thank you Amanda for showing me!

15. Surrogates

This movie was boring, DESPITE starring Bruce Willis. It was way too similar to the film Gamer with Gerard Butler (and DEXTER!). But hey, Netflix recommended it to my instant queue. I guess I can't complain.

16. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
You know you love them

I'm simply including these guys because they were, in fact, comic book characters before being immortalized as comic book characters and movie stars. Or being played by Cory Feldman.

17. Weird Science

Weird Science was a bizarre magazine. Then it got turned into a bizarre story about virgins who create a Frankenstein-like human sex machine who happens to look like Kelly LeBrock. Nicely done, geeks, nicely done.

I think this film was made for the kids who read the magazine.... virgins!
Comic for virgins!
Film for virgins!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Monday Moustache: A Moustache Without Limits

The seventeenth post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:

Steve "Pre" Prefontaine

Steve Prefontaine, or "Pre" was a runner who made a gigantic splash in the sport during the 1970s. Since his death in a car accident in 1975, he has become a running legend much akin to a deceased rock star for the contemporary cross-country and track community to worship.

Pre was born a champion, so of course he did what champions do: he grew a moustache. It may have helped him run with more aerodynamic efficiency, but more likely it simply gave him bad-ass points. Imagine a moustache quickly sprinting past you at an Olympic trials... can you think of anything more intimidating?
Steve's moustache acted as a wing attached to his face.

Steve was known giving for fantastic quotes about his competitive nature. Some of his best are below:

"Somebody may beat me, but they are going to have to bleed to do it."
"To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift."
"What I want is to be number one."

Most people think that these quotes reflect Pre discussing his running career. Nothing can be further from the truth; Pre was talking about his moustache. He felt that to be able to grow a moustache, and shave it, was sacrificing his natural ability to grow a sweet 'stache.

As if Pre wasn't bad-ass enough, he was coached at the University of Oregon by Bill Bowerman, future founder of Nike.

Yes, THE Nike.
As in Air Jordans.
And "Just Do It".

It is rumored that Bill also coached Pre's moustache, and that the "Just Do It" slogan was born when Pre asked Bowerman on whether or not growing one was a good decision. Nike is named after the Greek goddess of victory, appropriate for someone who coached Pre and his Pre-stache.

The "kid from Coos Bay has had two films made about his story. Prefontaine stars Jared Lehto before he got his arm cut off in Requiem for a Dreamthe film is not too interesting. The much better film Without Limits stars Billy Crudup (who later dyed his penis blue for Watchmen) and focuses on the championship of Pre's moustache. Truly without limits.

Bad Pre Movie

Good Pre Movie
Is it cold in here?

Tragically, Steve Prefontaine never won an Olympic medal. His heroic race at the '72 Munich Olympics ended with a fourth place finish in the 5000 after taking the lead of the race an astounding three times. He died before the 1976 Olympics in Montreal.

It might not be much, but today we honor Prefontaine with this week's Monday Moustache.