Introducing Amanda

Okay, so who is this random person writing on Third Strike? Well, I would like to formally introduce myself: Hello. I am Amanda and I am formally introducing myself.

I will be contributing to Third Strike from time-to-time when I am not busy working, rendezvousing around New York City, or daydreaming about Abraham Lincoln. We are lovers.

How my blogs differ from Rob’s: I like to write in first person. I am a woman, after all. We enjoy talking about ourselves. And unlike Rob, who is a true class-act, I like to display a healthy dosage of profanity and vulgar content in my blogs. Dirty mouth? I seem to have misplaced my pack of Orbit gum.

So for my first Third Strike post, I give you: “Things the world could do without, but need anyway for our general entertainment.”

I will start by highlighting the secret joys of Bad Hair:

Thank you, 1970s...

…and the 1980s…

...and, Snooki’s poof.

Thank you for inspiring us to brush our hair every day and to hate our parents for photographing us as children.

The KFC Double Down

Every wonder what it would feel like to entirely give up on your health, experience heartburn and a stroke all at once? Just order one of these babies and you will find out. KFC brilliantly designed this masterpiece to fill your mouth with greasy protein-filled chicken and diarrhea-inducing yummy goodness. But mostly to create more reasons for Europeans to make fun of Americans.

Glenn Beck

You either love him or hate him. I love him because he gives me reason to wake up in the morning and realize how good my odds are of getting into Heaven. Plus, he's probably the only person on the face of Earth who doesn't look smarter in glasses.

Babies

Okay, babies have annoying cries and smell and their strollers take up a shit ton of space when I’m trying to ride the subway. But they do serve a purpose (besides, you know, repopulating the Earth). Case in point: What my aunt and uncle did to my cousin Dante when he was just a few months old. Actual family photo:

Nothing says “good parenting” like throwing some spaghetti marinara on your child. I don’t know about you, but this makes me curiously hungry. Mangia!

The “Shake Weight for Men” commercial

I lied. The world could do without this.

Decaf coffee

Whoever decided to create decaf coffee is doing a great disservice to mankind. Without caffeine, productivity would completely disappear. Plus, what would inspire the Sham WOW guy to be so enthusiastic about tuna? Besides all the speed he is on. Drinking decaf coffee should be illegal. The same goes for herbal tea. Yes, I’m talking to you Grandma.

The Situation

Because no one else makes me feel so out of shape but so thankful for my college degree at the same time. He's invited to ravioli night.

Nicholas Sparks novels

Okay, so I admit it. The Notebook was okay. But once Robert Pattinson and Miley Cyrus got involved in these book-to-film adaptations, I lost interest. Plus, we all know R-Pat as that creepy dead guy in those other terrible book-to-film adaptations. Just those have no sex. Boo! Check him out in the new Nicholas Sparks Twilight remake of The Notebook "If you're a bird, I'm a vampire."

Plus, we don't really need Nicholas Sparks. Everyone knows that no love story could truly beat that of Zach of Kelly's.

Bowties

There is no other piece of attire that can make someone look as fancy, while simultaneously making them look like a total asshole.

Example #1: The Monopoly guy.

Look at this guy. He looks so fancy in his bowtie, but what he is really trying to tell you is, “I don’t care if you’re playing with the cute little dog piece, you still can’t have your $200… bitch.”

Example #2: Michael Steele

Do I really need to say anything at all? This photo speaks for itself. However, I would like to take this moment to point out a pretty fucking fantastic observation (“fantastic” because I just made it). Notice the combination of bowtie and moustache. It’s the secret asshole recipe! Formerly known as Taco Bell.

Example #3: Even this cat looks like an asshole! And he displays some pretty incriminating whiskers. Could we say… a meow-stache?!

I smell a conspiracy.

The Darkest Corners of the Internet

We all have indulgences.

Some people like watching fat ladies step on random objects (even small animals) on the Internet in something called a "crush video". What human chord does that pluck??!!!

For most of us, tap-dancing on a spider or spongecake won't get you hot and bothered.

Hell, I don't think it will get me lukeworm and irritated. Ha....Ha... Terrible.

And then, judging by the "reaction videos" to the disturbing meme "Two Girls, One Cup",  most people don't respond well to the deepest, darkest realms of depravity. I refuse to watch it. It's been described to me. Gross, people. Gross.

The only theory I have on what type of people truly derive pleasure from the darkest corners of the Internet is very simple. They are mole people. You heard it here first: the Mole People have Internet access. Be warned.

Lucky for us grounddwellers, there are several other outlets that are less objectionable. There are even "safe for work" alternatives that do the same thing for us that carnal pornography does-- give us an arousing fantasy, appeal to our baser instincts, and allow us to turn off our brains as we embrace satisfaction.

Alternatives to Moral Turpitude

"An Orgy of Desruction Porn" is how Stephen Colbert described the trailer for the film 2012. It's easy to see why: like most Michael Bay films, it's about mass destruction on a mind-boggling scale. With something like this you can watch things from a distance that would horrify you in real life. It becomes a fascinating spectacle of demolition.

Examples of Destruction Porn: 2012, Titanic, Linsdey Lohan

"America Porn" is how Gawker.com described a recent rally that--to be blunt--accomplished almost nothing. But it did provide an opportunity to talk about how awesome America and our troops are. Apparently it started to somehow restore America as well. What it really did more than anything was fill attendees with the kind of patriotic spirit you get by consuming apple pie and domestic beer while blowing things up on the 4th of July dressed as George Washington.



It doesn't take any self-examing or scrutiny of public policy to know that America is the best. It just is! Because... of the Constitution! And AirCraft Carriers! So long as they don't find themselves in an Orgy of Destruction Porn.



Some people cry after Americagasms



America is great. Celebrating it blindly is even better. Placidly going along with circular logic like "I believe that the things that are good are good" is just plain pornographic euphoria.

Examples of America Porn: Glenn Beck, 1950's Society, Glenn Beck



Please.... read the text on this. And then try to figure out what the hell is going on in this cover.



"Nerdgasm" is what people who spend too much time in fantasy worlds experience when they see trailers for the newest Ryan Reynolds superhero film. More rebellious nerds might acheive it by watching Leeroy Jenkins administer his bold strategy in World of Warcraft.



Occasionally you can combine this with America Porn to create something truly spectacular.

The true glory and horror of the Internet is that there is something out there for everyone and anyone. Anyone. Even the Mole People.