Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Introducing Amanda

Okay, so who is this random person writing on Third Strike? Well, I would like to formally introduce myself: Hello. I am Amanda and I am formally introducing myself.

I will be contributing to Third Strike from time-to-time when I am not busy working, rendezvousing around New York City, or daydreaming about Abraham Lincoln. We are lovers.

How my blogs differ from Rob’s: I like to write in first person. I am a woman, after all. We enjoy talking about ourselves. And unlike Rob, who is a true class-act, I like to display a healthy dosage of profanity and vulgar content in my blogs. Dirty mouth? I seem to have misplaced my pack of Orbit gum.

So for my first Third Strike post, I give you: “Things the world could do without, but need anyway for our general entertainment.”

I will start by highlighting the secret joys of Bad Hair:

Thank you, 1970s...

and the 1980s

...and, Snooki’s poof.

Thank you for inspiring us to brush our hair every day and to hate our parents for photographing us as children.

The KFC Double Down

Every wonder what it would feel like to entirely give up on your health, experience heartburn and a stroke all at once? Just order one of these babies and you will find out. KFC brilliantly designed this masterpiece to fill your mouth with greasy protein-filled chicken and diarrhea-inducing yummy goodness. But mostly to create more reasons for Europeans to make fun of Americans.

Glenn Beck

You either love him or hate him. I love him because he gives me reason to wake up in the morning and realize how good my odds are of getting into Heaven. Plus, he's probably the only person on the face of Earth who doesn't look smarter in glasses.


Okay, babies have annoying cries and smell and their strollers take up a shit ton of space when I’m trying to ride the subway. But they do serve a purpose (besides, you know, repopulating the Earth). Case in point: What my aunt and uncle did to my cousin Dante when he was just a few months old. Actual family photo:

Nothing says “good parenting” like throwing some spaghetti marinara on your child. I don’t know about you, but this makes me curiously hungry. Mangia!

The “Shake Weight for Men” commercial

I lied. The world could do without this.

Decaf coffee

Whoever decided to create decaf coffee is doing a great disservice to mankind. Without caffeine, productivity would completely disappear. Plus, what would inspire the Sham WOW guy to be so enthusiastic about tuna? Besides all the speed he is on. Drinking decaf coffee should be illegal. The same goes for herbal tea. Yes, I’m talking to you Grandma.

The Situation

Because no one else makes me feel so out of shape but so thankful for my college degree at the same time. He's invited to ravioli night.

Nicholas Sparks novels

Okay, so I admit it. The Notebook was okay. But once Robert Pattinson and Miley Cyrus got involved in these book-to-film adaptations, I lost interest. Plus, we all know R-Pat as that creepy dead guy in those other terrible book-to-film adaptations. Just those have no sex. Boo! Check him out in the new Nicholas Sparks Twilight remake of The Notebook "If you're a bird, I'm a vampire."

Plus, we don't really need Nicholas Sparks. Everyone knows that no love story could truly beat that of Zach of Kelly's.


There is no other piece of attire that can make someone look as fancy, while simultaneously making them look like a total asshole.

Example #1: The Monopoly guy.

Look at this guy. He looks so fancy in his bowtie, but what he is really trying to tell you is, “I don’t care if you’re playing with the cute little dog piece, you still can’t have your $200… bitch.”

Example #2: Michael Steele

Do I really need to say anything at all? This photo speaks for itself. However, I would like to take this moment to point out a pretty fucking fantastic observation (“fantastic” because I just made it). Notice the combination of bowtie and moustache. It’s the secret asshole recipe! Formerly known as Taco Bell.

Example #3: Even this cat looks like an asshole! And he displays some pretty incriminating whiskers. Could we say… a meow-stache?!

I smell a conspiracy.

No comments:

Post a Comment