Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Darkest Corners of the Internet

We all have indulgences.

Some people like watching fat ladies step on random objects (even small animals) on the Internet in something called a "crush video". What human chord does that pluck??!!!

For most of us, tap-dancing on a spider or spongecake won't get you hot and bothered.
Hell, I don't think it will get me lukeworm and irritated. Ha....Ha... Terrible.

And then, judging by the "reaction videos" to the disturbing meme "Two Girls, One Cup",  most people don't respond well to the deepest, darkest realms of depravity. I refuse to watch it. It's been described to me. Gross, people. Gross.

The only theory I have on what type of people truly derive pleasure from the darkest corners of the Internet is very simple. They are mole people. You heard it here first: the Mole People have Internet access. Be warned.

Lucky for us grounddwellers, there are several other outlets that are less objectionable. There are even "safe for work" alternatives that do the same thing for us that carnal pornography does-- give us an arousing fantasy, appeal to our baser instincts, and allow us to turn off our brains as we embrace satisfaction.

Alternatives to Moral Turpitude

"An Orgy of Desruction Porn" is how Stephen Colbert described the trailer for the film 2012. It's easy to see why: like most Michael Bay films, it's about mass destruction on a mind-boggling scale. With something like this you can watch things from a distance that would horrify you in real life. It becomes a fascinating spectacle of demolition.

Examples of Destruction Porn: 2012, Titanic, Linsdey Lohan
"America Porn" is how Gawker.com described a recent rally that--to be blunt--accomplished almost nothing. But it did provide an opportunity to talk about how awesome America and our troops are. Apparently it started to somehow restore America as well. What it really did more than anything was fill attendees with the kind of patriotic spirit you get by consuming apple pie and domestic beer while blowing things up on the 4th of July dressed as George Washington.

It doesn't take any self-examing or scrutiny of public policy to know that America is the best. It just is! Because... of the Constitution! And AirCraft Carriers! So long as they don't find themselves in an Orgy of Destruction Porn.

Some people cry after Americagasms

America is great. Celebrating it blindly is even better. Placidly going along with circular logic like "I believe that the things that are good are good" is just plain pornographic euphoria.
Examples of America Porn: Glenn Beck, 1950's Society, Glenn Beck

Please.... read the text on this. And then try to figure out what the hell is going on in this cover.

"Nerdgasm" is what people who spend too much time in fantasy worlds experience when they see trailers for the newest Ryan Reynolds superhero film. More rebellious nerds might acheive it by watching Leeroy Jenkins administer his bold strategy in World of Warcraft.

Occasionally you can combine this with America Porn to create something truly spectacular.

The true glory and horror of the Internet is that there is something out there for everyone and anyone. Anyone. Even the Mole People.

1 comment:

  1. lolwut?

    What the fuck was this shit? Get this off my internets!