Monday, April 4, 2011

Monday Moustache: Moustache Knows Best

This marks the thirty-third post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:


That's right! HULK HOGAN, a man whose name is best spelled with caps! Actually, his name is Terry Gene Bollea. But that name sucks.

The Monday Moustache has had many champions in its ranks: Steve Prefontaine, Burt Reynolds, and the Crazy Moustache Guy who I assume is now the Governor of New York. But NONE of those heroes were the dominating force of an entirely phony sport. By "entirely phony" we mean that the competition is rigged... as opposed to NASCAR, where driving in ciricles is a sport. That's not fixed!

Anyways, we're fairly confident that the HULK could kick all of those other peoples' asses. Or at least pin them for a 3-count.

HULK HOGAN was born a mild-mannered child, who excelled in school and began a career as a tranquil physicist. Then, in a freak tanning bed accident, HULK was hit with a barrage of Gamma radiation and transformed into a raging, musclebound monster.

The madder HULK HOGAN gets, the greener he becomes
Wanting to put his new monster-ism to good use, HULK joined the most noble and distinguished industry to work in: professional wrestling.

HULK quickly found his way into the WWF, Vince McMahon's successful wrestling company. The WWF would later be renamed the WWE, after The Iron Sheik lost a cage match against a Giant Panda and surrendering the naming rights to the World Wildlife Federation. Who knew that Pandas could do an incapacitating Body Slam?

Hogan has drifted to other wrestling organizations throughout the years, but time has kept him tied to the WWE. Eventually, in his older age, HULK closelined his way into the second-most-noble industry in the United States: reality TV.

Hogan Knows Best introduced America to HULK's personal and family problems and (more optimistically) his moustache grooming habits. The show was cancelled after problems with his son's drunk driving & Hogan's marital infidelity, leading to the spin-off Brooke Knows Best, following HULK's hot daughter around. That show was cancelled too.

Best Logo EVER! Check out the moustache!

Still, Hogan has been a lucky man, all-in-all. He can thank the lucky horseshoe mustache that keeps growing under his nose for that good fortune. That... and Gamma radiation.

Some people think that HULK HOGAN is funny... Some people think of him as a relic from the 80's. Some people just can't take professional wrestlers seriously. Those people do not live in Minnesota, where they elected one as Governor. HULK HOGAN knows better than to listen to his critics. In fact, that kind of detraction makes him angry. You won't like him when he's angry...


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