After finishing school, many young workers begin their post-collegiate career by following a daily routine that mirrors the high-octane Jason Statham film Crank.
7:00 am: Wake up disoriented
7:01 am: Remember purpose in life
7:02: Contemplate showering vs. the odor-masking abilities of Axe Body Spray
7:12 am: Begin assaulting body and jumpstarting heart with caffeinated beverages while battling fellow commuters
The energy caffeine provides is indispensable on the road to post-graduate accomplishment. As Thomas Edison once famously said, “Success is ten percent inspiration, ninety percent perspiration, and one-hundred percent fueled by my cocaine habit.”
Yes… I know what you are thinking: caffeine and cocaine are not the same! But Coca-cola once was brewed with small amounts of cocaine, and Thomas Edison had a much smaller selection of high-fructose corn-syrup cocktails from which to derive stimulation.
So for the daily liquid defibrillation, what is the poison of choice? Lucky for us, this is America, and there are three beautifully choice options: tea, coffee, and red bull.
The Bean (Coffee)
Pro: The existence of coffee houses; Unrelated: crack houses
Con: Coffee jitters lead to insomnia, anxiety, and viewings of Last Call with Carson Daly
Pro: Opportunity to support global fair trade in developing countries
Con: Hides narcotics from drug-sniffing dogs
The Bag (Tea)
Pro: Multiple, diverse flavors with a fancy hint of class
Con: Political assumptions and the presumption you like dressing up as a founding father on workdays
Pro: Ability to add a meal to the day in England
Con: Tea-bagging jokes
The Bull (Red Bull)
Pro: Goes well with Jägermeister
Con: Resulting wings may lead to being mistaken for an angel, leading to irritating requests for miracles
Pro: Jägerbombs! Jägerbombs!
Con: Green urine
There are, of course, many lesser options that have ranging merit:
The Bad Decision (Sparks, etc.)
Pro: Saving the time required to manually add alcohol to your energy drink
Con: Waking up in jail
The Badass (Rockstar Energy Drink)
Pro: Twice the size of red bull
Con: Named “Worst Energy Drink” by Men’s Health… with half the taste of a Red Bull
The Bite-size (5 Hour Energy)
Pro: Easily conceal your caffeine addiction
Con: Lousy commercials: people falling asleep in an office, vs. Red Bulls’ car-jumping-over-a-bridge stunts
The Boring (Regular Soda)
Pro: It’s what polar bears and Santa drink
Con: If you’re calling this an energy drink, you probably also think that Antiques Roadshow is exhilarating
The Blow (Blow Energy Drink Mix)
Pro: The packaging is made to look like a brick of cocaine
Con: Has that “Flower Delivery” van been parked outside the house for a week now?
7:00 am: Wake up disoriented
7:01 am: Remember purpose in life
7:02: Contemplate showering vs. the odor-masking abilities of Axe Body Spray
7:12 am: Begin assaulting body and jumpstarting heart with caffeinated beverages while battling fellow commuters
The energy caffeine provides is indispensable on the road to post-graduate accomplishment. As Thomas Edison once famously said, “Success is ten percent inspiration, ninety percent perspiration, and one-hundred percent fueled by my cocaine habit.”
Yes… I know what you are thinking: caffeine and cocaine are not the same! But Coca-cola once was brewed with small amounts of cocaine, and Thomas Edison had a much smaller selection of high-fructose corn-syrup cocktails from which to derive stimulation.
So for the daily liquid defibrillation, what is the poison of choice? Lucky for us, this is America, and there are three beautifully choice options: tea, coffee, and red bull.
The Bean (Coffee)
Pro: The existence of coffee houses; Unrelated: crack houses
Con: Coffee jitters lead to insomnia, anxiety, and viewings of Last Call with Carson Daly
Pro: Opportunity to support global fair trade in developing countries
Con: Hides narcotics from drug-sniffing dogs
The Bag (Tea)
Pro: Multiple, diverse flavors with a fancy hint of class
Con: Political assumptions and the presumption you like dressing up as a founding father on workdays
Pro: Ability to add a meal to the day in England
Con: Tea-bagging jokes
The Bull (Red Bull)
Pro: Goes well with Jägermeister
Con: Resulting wings may lead to being mistaken for an angel, leading to irritating requests for miracles
Pro: Jägerbombs! Jägerbombs!
Con: Green urine
There are, of course, many lesser options that have ranging merit:
The Bad Decision (Sparks, etc.)
Pro: Saving the time required to manually add alcohol to your energy drink
Con: Waking up in jail
The Badass (Rockstar Energy Drink)
Pro: Twice the size of red bull
Con: Named “Worst Energy Drink” by Men’s Health… with half the taste of a Red Bull
The Bite-size (5 Hour Energy)
Pro: Easily conceal your caffeine addiction
Con: Lousy commercials: people falling asleep in an office, vs. Red Bulls’ car-jumping-over-a-bridge stunts
The Boring (Regular Soda)
Pro: It’s what polar bears and Santa drink
Con: If you’re calling this an energy drink, you probably also think that Antiques Roadshow is exhilarating
The Blow (Blow Energy Drink Mix)Pro: The packaging is made to look like a brick of cocaine
Con: Has that “Flower Delivery” van been parked outside the house for a week now?
The Bleh (Diet Pepsi)
Pros: N/A
Cons: Longer than the Facebook Privacy Statement
Now you know the risks and rewards… go forth caffeinate!
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