If you haven’t seen Inception yet, I suggest climbing through your Rita Hayworth poster-hole and escaping whatever detention facility has shackled you from seeing it. The film provokes several thoughts: from how the complexity of a dream-in-dream-in-dream plot was delivered to how damn freaking cool Tom Hardy is (“You mustn’t be afraid to dream a bit bigger, darling”)
However, there is one thing I noticed at one point during the film; there is a consistent trend across Leonardo DiCaprio films of ending in misery and sadness, or at the very least being separated from whoever his cinematic squeeze may be at the time.
SPOILER ALERT: All of Leonardo DiCaprio’s roles are discussed in the following breakdown
Leonardo DiCaprio’s “On Screen Romance” Record
Critters 3: I’m going to assume with a title like “Critters 3”, a first-time actor did not fare well. Prove me wrong, internet. Critters vs. Leo: Leo 0-1
Poison Ivy: Like the Batman villain? Again, assuming the word “poison” in a title bodes ill. Batman vs. Leo: Leo 0-2
This Boy’s Life: According to Wikipedia, Leo enjoys emotional, verbal and physical abuse. Yeesh. Happiness vs. Leo: Leo 0-3
What’s Eating Gilbert Grape: Leo is mentally challenged. In the movie! Tears vs. Leo: Leo 0-4
The Foot Shooting Party: Leonardo has friends come over to shoot him in the foot so he doesn’t have to go to Vietnam. 27 minutes long. Romance? Probably not. Sandals vs. Leo: Leo 0-5
The Quick and the Dead: Sleeps with a lady who pretends not to care afterwards. Shot to death afterwards. Quick/Dead vs. Leo: Leo 0-6
The Basketball Diaries: DiCaprio ends up on drugs, stealing and prostituting himself. 3 points! Lebron James vs. Leo: Leo 0-7
Total Eclipse: Leonardo DiCaprio dies from cancer in this true-story tear jerker. Werewolves vs. Leo: 0-8
Romeo + Juliet: Juliet, you died! I’m going to kill myself now. Wait, you weren’t really dead? Crap. Oh, but you can kill yourself now too. Sorry Paul Rudd… geez, this marriage really did not go well. Shakespeare vs. Leo: Leo 0-9
Marvin’s Room: In a mental asylum for setting fire to his mother’s house. I kid you not. Marvin’s Room vs. Leo: Leo 0-10
Titanic: “Brrr…. This water is cold! I hope Celine Dion doesn’t sing my theme song.” Icebergs vs. Leo: Leo 0-11.
The Man in the Iron Mask: I remember one of his girlfriends hangs himself. One of the two DiCaprios lives with an Iron Mask for years of his life. The other DiCaprio ends up with it for the rest of his life. Leo vs. Leo; Leo: 0-12
Celebrity: Do people see these movies? Can’t figure out what he does in this movie. But the movie is apparently largely about divorce. Ticket Sales vs. Leo: Leo 0-13
The Beach: DiCaprio goes a little bit crazy and leaves his friends behind forever. But he gets a tan. Insanity vs. Leo: Leo 0-14
Don’s Plum: Now I think Wikipedia is making things up. Obscurity vs. Leo: Leo 0-15
Catch Me If You Can: Let’s get married. Uh-oh, here comes Tom Hanks. G2G, TTYL? Marriage vs. Leo: Leo 0-16
Gangs of New York: Isn’t your girlfriend a prostitute thief? Dead Rabbits vs. Leo: Leo 0-17
The Aviator: Ah, the social life of a shut in. Good times. Agoraphobia vs. Leo: Leo 0-18
Blood Diamond: Poor Leo doesn’t make it but he gave the diamond to Djimon Hounsou! Africa vs. Leo: Leo 0-19
The Departed: Hey, I got out of this undercover thing ok! And I can hook up with Vera Farmiga! Life is goo-- *BANG* ah crap. Boston vs. Leo: Leo 0-20
The 11th Hour: A documentary about how the world could end. Armageddon vs. Leo: Leo 0-21
Body of Lies: The CIA still loves you, Leo. Lies vs. Leo: 0-22
Revolutionary Road: Leaves his wife. Abortion vs. Leo: 0-23
Shutter Island: Haven’t seen it yet, don’t want to spoil it, but guess who isn’t going to end up with a lady. Shutter Island vs. Leo: TBD
Inception: Sorry Mal, you’re just a projection of my subconscious. But seriously, stop screwing up my business.
Ending up with the girl at the end of the movie vs. Leo: Leo 0-24, 1 TBD.
No wonder the ladies love Mr. DiCaprio: he is film’s forbidden fruit... the uncatchable unicorn.