Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Fatal Error

Last week, Steve Jobs admit that "Apple is not perfect"-- quickly driving devotees bananas. The shock of hearing such blasphemy caused earthquakes on the East Coast (or… at least in Washington D.C.) for the first time since Nikola Tesla tested his Earthquake machine.

Apple fans have a sense of loyalty and devotion matched only by rabid Twilight-philes. Foaming at the mouth for the next iPhone, some left-handers may begin switching from southpaw to “northpaw” in order to hang onto AT&T’s choosy service. True Apple Believers will resort to chopping off their left hand in an attempt to end the temptation to use what has popularly been dubbed “the Death Grip”—a way of holding the phone that immediately lowers service bars. Even MORE faithful Apple Believers may chop of their right hand and replace it with an iPhone.

Apple clearly has finished a complete rebranding of itself since the near-bankruptcy days of 1997. At that time, Big Brother Bill Gates bailed out Apple, which prompted a brand new political party of partisans dressed as Johnny Appleseed.

In light of Apples’ success, a history of the company is in order:

4000 BC- Adam picks an iPhone out of the tree of knowledge because Eve says he doesn’t call her enough. God is not pleased.

399 BC- Socrates is decried as a heretic for suggesting the use of Windows (-395) instead of Apple software, and is forced to drink diet Pepsi. Death follows.

985 (AD) - The Dark Ages lead to the destruction of Apple’s history. Many iPod users are burnt at the stake as witches.

1390- William Tell shoots an apple off his son’s head while listening to his own Overture on his surviving iPod.

1692- Remaining Apple products are found in Salem, Massachusetts. Users are forced to watch “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” until death and products are burned.

1715- Isaac Newton re-founds Apple. However, an orange falls on his head, making him all but forget the company. He proceeds to found gravity and calculus.

1978- Steve Jobs re-re-founds Apple and sells Macintosh personal computers. Oregon Trail becomes a new national pastime.

1996- After too many snakebites on the Oregon Trail, Apples’ popularity wanes. No new products are created. Apple is in trouble.

1997- Apple is bailed out by Bill “Pearly” Gates.

2004- Steve Jobs finds William Tells’ iPod, and releases it to the world. World learns what a gigabyte and Napster is.

2006- Fiona Apple is arrested for copyright infringement against the Apple Company. She escapes and is now a wanted Criminal.

2007-2010- Apple comes out with new products before the last ones have even been shipped. “Apps” become a legal tender in Europe.

2010- Apple loses steam over their newest iPhone. Steve Jobs loses 3 seconds of sleep.

December 21, 2012- The four horsemen of the apocalypse arrive to “Ride of the Valkyries” on their iPods. The world ends in an ironic blue screen of death

No comments:

Post a Comment