Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Concerning Zombies: Plan Z

Living in close vicinity to the Pentagon, I have developed a habit of glancing here and there over at the building—the largest office building in the world—and wondering: what kind of scenarios have they cooked up in there? Those thoughts make you wonder. There is no doubt that there are war games being played by military experts day-in and day-out in that building. Sure, most of those games are probably grounded, realistic scenarios based on current or foreseen conflicts. But the greatest military on the planet has to be prepared for anything, right?

I imagine one lucky day at the office going as follows:

Clark: Good Morning Jones. Another day exploring the scenarios of what will happen if Kim Jong Il goes nuke-happy?

Jones: Yep. As always, our nukes outnumber him 40,000 to one. Kaboom.

Clark: Say, did you ever finish that strategic report on how our military should respond if his shoddy nuclear facilities mutate him into a 40 foot tall Supreme Leader?

Jones: Of course. We move to DEFCON 2, corner him onto a tall building and launch the biplanes. Naomi Watts has been briefed.

Of course, I’m not suggesting that this would be a typical day’s conversation. But for all the classified action plans the government keeps sheathed in its military databases, at least one or two sci-fi doomsday scenarios must have made the cut as “plausible”. So what ascends to the level of potential threat to America and her interests?

The Zombie scenario takes the cake as a realistic platform for ending humanity, although alien invasion certainly does contend for the honor of “most likely adversary”. When it comes down to it, it doesn’t take much imagination to make the leap from society as we know it to a post-apocalyptic land of the undead. Let’s face it; some of the unkempt strangers you see in the subway are passing for zombies already! Sure, you’re not certain that it is brains that the decrepit person in the corner seat is chewing away at like a dog with a squeaky toy. But would it be so surprising? At the very least it would explain the smell.

The zombie virus of fiction is traditionally transmitted via bodily liquids—i.e. blood, sweat, tears—in short, the ingredients to Diet Pepsi. So when the “Pepsi Generation” begins their attack on society, a few tips will assist in your survival.

1. Someone will be bitten
This is one of the sad inevitabilities of the zombie apocalypse. Someone in your clustered survival troupe is going to be attacked. You will fight off the necromantic attackers with all manner of baseball bats, blunt objects, swords, guns, and Barbara Streisand albums, but someone in your crew will soon bear the mark.

2. That person will turn into a zombie
If you’ve survived walking around the zombie apocalypse to assemble a survivor’s group then you probably were aware of the risk in number one. But this second tip is where people go soft and it all ends in zombie tears. A productive discussion should go as follows:

“Hey, Bob, you got bitten didn’t you?”
“No, you guys. I’m fine.”
“Fuck you Bob. No you’re not. You’re a zombie now, you asshole.”

3. Boats are your friend
Have you ever seen a zombie film where the undead are doing backstroke? NOTE: Stay out of the shallows. Ocean, fresh water containers, and lots of fishing bait are your best bet.

That's all I have. Apologies, I'm not a survivalist. AND there is an entire book of well written survival tips by the son of Mel Brooks. Well you know what? Suck it, Hollywood. You don't have a monopoly on the zombie concept. In fact, that's the last place the hungry dead would look for.... braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains.

Maybe the Pentagon?

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