Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Transsexuals Are From Pluto

In 1992, a certain book that SHALL NOT be named hit American bookshelves with a bang. The American people became inescapably aware that men originate from a particular red planet neighboring Earth, and women are in fact from a planet coated with poisonous gas. Meanwhile, the common practice of storks delivering infants to mothers was halted once and for all when ornithologists ended a 25 year survey of stork behavior, concluding that most of the wild birds were not qualified to deliver children, and may in fact carry some sort of avian flu. Thereafter, UPS has delivered all children from their planet of origin, although interplanetary UPS portals all sadly lead to female uteruses.

By the way, in case you were wondering, yes—that is the first time in the history of mankind that the word “uterus” has been pluralized.

There is a chance that you, the reader, could be sitting around right now, scratching your head as to why there is a man/woman/demonic possession that is trapped inside your body. Will this post help you: Probably not. But it WILL help you if you are a Plutonian who feels unceremoniously discarded by the Solar System Club! Three cheers for niches.

For those of you aliens who haven’t read Earth mythology, you are in for a lesson: Venus is the Roman name for Aphrodite, the Greek Goddess of Love. Sometime long ago, a wise Greek philosopher looked up at the stars and named one of the shiny orbs “Venus” after that Goddess. It turns out that the Greeks were making a pernicious social commentary on love, because the atmosphere of Venus will kill a human being faster than a Baconator from a Wendy’s Restaurant. Those Greeks were a precociously anti-feminist bunch, because they also blamed a woman named Pandora for opening a box that released a film by James Cameron.

As said earlier, it is an established premise that male persons are from Mars and female persons are from Venus. But from what planet do those of us who long to cut off our penises hail?

By the way, using penises and uteruses on the same page might qualify this writing for some sort of English textbook on plurals. Should that become the case, I strongly recommend all future preteen readers draw penises on this page specifically. I would also be impressed if anyone can manage to draw a uterus from memory.

Clearly, the answer to she-males is this: you come from Pluto, of course! Just as Pluto confusingly changed status from planet to… whatever Pluto is today, you challenged society’s mores, hid your Adam’s apple and removed your manhood! And of course, I do not wish to leave out that segment of women that somehow become men… but frankly that entire concept is even more mysterious to me than volunteering to be a Castrato. In any case, just as Pluto used to be a planet, and now it is not, so transgender people have ceased to be the man/woman they once were

*Author’s Note*
For the record, the author is not a transsexual or transgender individual, nor a Plutonian. He was born a man, just like Twilight’s Robert Pattinson. Rumors that he or Robert Pattinson were not born men are dirty lies. Robert Pattinson and the author should not be subject to unfounded, vicious rumors that we used to be females. Robert Pattinson. Not a man. False. Tell your friends.

*A Second Author’s Note*
If you have been offended by any of the contents you have read so far, please take the following test.

Do any of the following describe you?

a. A tween Twilight suicide bomber, willing to explode herself to a heaven full of 40 Robert Pattinsons
b. Glenn Beck
c. A member of the Church of Glenn Beck
d. My mother
e. A transsexual/transgender individual not named Robert Pattinson

If you answered any answer a-d, please delete this blog from your web history immediately. It will only break your heart further.

If you answered e, you are in luck! I have no more thoughts on the transsexual/transgender community, whom I support full-heartedly and hope that a little fun at their expense is not taken as malicious.

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