Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Santa Claus the Communist

The Third Strike recently had a revelation while discussing Santa Claus.
Santa needs caffeine to deliver all those presents
What is Santa's first name?

The first possibility is that Santa's first name is... well... Santa.

"Santa" seems more of a title, like "Mr", "Doctor", or "Your Holiness". So Third Strike quickly ruled out that option.

The next contending name has to be Nick. As in St. Nick. Christmas movies have affirmed this suspicion.

 That name is short for St. Nicholas, as in Nikolaos of Myra. Since Myra is a place, I suppose that Nicholas could be a first name or a last name-- let's table that one for the moment.

The next name, of course, would be Chris Kringle. Or is it Kris Kringle? Whatever.

Chris is absolutely his first name in this case. But for Santa, is Chris a first name, or the first name.

Third Strike came to the conclusion that Santa's full name is most likely Santa Chris-Nick Claus. You can forget about us calling him "Piere Noel", France. It's not gonna happen.

Hmmmm... Chris-Nick, ChrisNick. KrisNick?

That name is obviously extremely Russian. And if "Santa" enjoys having children substitute his name with that title, that seems awfully suspicious. You know what other Russians has a title that can replace his name? CZAR!

It's a known fact that communist dictators universally enjoy milk and cookies.

That's right, children. Santa is a Communist. Why did you think that he is always giving presents away for free like some state-run welfare program? He is even wearing red suit while he breaks into your home. Question Santa at your own peril, for he rules the North Pole with an iron sleigh. 

As for Santa's Communist system? Elves, clearly, are those whom are most capable of making toys. If you've ever seen a Santa's village, you will have to admit that Christmas elves are talented; who else can build a Playstation 3 at a woodworking station? That's amazing!
Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?
As Marx said: 
"From each according to his ability, to each according to his need"
Elves produce the toys for you children, and you will consume them. Oddly, children of rich parents need more toys than the children of poor children, showing a creeping increase of capitalist values into the Communist Christmas spirit. Capitalism, naturally, states that rich children deserve more, because it is their birthright to be spoiled little bastards.


  1. I love that you put the phone-answering line as the caption for the picture. Awesome. Every time I watch that movie, that line makes me crack up and I think "Oh, I'm going to answer the phone like that!" and then I invariably forget. Until I watch the movie again, of course.

  2. I haven't been this mentally scarred by a realization about Santa since I was seven.