Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Breaking News: Santa Reconsiders Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Following the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, signed by President Obama this morning, news sources are reporting that Santa Claus is also reconsidering his position on allowing gay elves to work in his workshop.

The North Pole has remained torn on this issue for several years; one elf (who requested to remain anonymous) was quoted by Third Strike:
"Have you been up to the North Pole lately? It's freezing up here, Global warming or not. Sometimes we have to huddle together to combine our body heat. You don't want to know it's not a candy cane in the other elf's pocket when that happens."
"Just because I want to be a dentist and I like other men doesn't make me less of an elf!"
Other elves have been much more open to the idea of allowing gay elves to work openly in the workplace. Smiley the Elf was quoted:
"Of course I knew some of the elves were gay. When Papa Elf came up with the ThunderCats toy line, there was no question in my mind. But its not like kids are opening presents and thinking 'I sure hope a gay elf didn't make this.' Why not let him be open about who he is?"
Papa the Elf also designs outfits for Lady Gaga.
 Santa has previously held the position that he would like to wait for the results of a survey on elf morale. The survey indicated that the repeal could viably take place while continuing toy production without interruption before next Christmas. Nonetheless with this Christmas' legislative season almost over, few expected Santa to take drastic step towards elf-equality.

Santa has recently begun adjusting his position this on the subject today, leading many to believe he may make an announcement just prior to his Christmas Eve work schedule. Earlier this year, he gave a speech to the Gay Elf Alliance (GEA):
"I represent the Christmas spirit. The Christmas spirit is about love, about acceptance, about caring; it's not about exacting ones' beliefs and judgments on what other consenting adults do. As long as everyone is asleep before I come down the chimney, nobody will end up on my naughty list for the reason of  loving someone else.
Christmas is a hectic season for us, and we have a tight schedule and a heavy workload. We should look forward to the day when every able-and-willing elf is not just allowed, but encouraged, to make toys."
Unlike most Communist Dictators, Santa remains open to lobbying. Most notably, the surprise combination of Harvey Milk and the Cookie Monster (founding The Association of Cookie and Milk) formed in the 1970s has had growing support in recent years. Several meetings with Santa have left crumbs of hope.

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