Punxsutawney Phil Predicts 6 More Years of Global Warming

Groundhogs can predict weather, but they can't spell Punxsutawney.

Happy Groundhog Day, everyone!

Today, rodent-lovers everywhere celebrate as they awake to hear the furry prognosticator's winter predictions:

EARLY SPRING COMING OUR WAY!

"I also predict Natalie Portman wins 'Best Actress' for Black Swan."

Most news reports have ended the story with the Pennsylvanian Groundhog NOT seeing his bristly shadow, the indication of an early spring. This year, however, Third Strike has discovered that Phil has a lot more to say:

"I see that I have no shadow, but I have several thoughts on the matter. First of all, I, Punxsutawney Phil, am 120 years old. Most groundhogs live 10 years, but because I create and live in time loops, I age very slowly. Just ask Bill Murray. 

That being said, I'm not as young a fur-ball as I used to be, so please speak up when speaking to me. Also, please stay off my lawn.

 Anyhow, I've recently noticed that smokestacks have been creating smog clouds that keep me from seeing my shadow; I'm suspicious that this may be influencing my predictions and contributing to this year's early Spring.

In fact, my shadow has been looking more and more like a  badger, which, as everyone knows, means Global Warming will probably increase for the next 6 years, contingent on Cap and Trade Policy."

It's strange that a groundhog would make such grounded climate forecasts and not receive substantial news coverage. It's a clear indication that the conservative media is attempting to cover up evidence of global warming. The liberal media, on the other hand, ignores woodchucks due to their radical views on logging.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could clearcut a forest without the EPA getting involved?