Ophiuchus, What the F?

Zodiac signs let us know who we are; I don't do a lick of work if my horoscope says I'm lazy that day. It only makes sense that the month in which we were born (along with millions of other human beings) has cosmic influence on our every-day lives. That's just obvious.

Some scientific astrologers from Minnesota have decided that due to shifts in Earth's gravity, the fates have reevaluated how to screw with us. Those born between November 29th and December 17th now have to learn how the hell to spell O-P-H-I-U-C-H-U-S.

It doesn't stop there; the rest of us are getting horiscopicaly pushed around. I was a Leo, but now supposedly I'm a Cancer?

Nobody likes finding out they've got crabs now.