The 4 Loko Road Warrior

Warning: If you have not seen the movie Mad Max or The Road Warrior, some of this may make little sense. Continue reading at your peril!

At the inception of this blog, I wrote a review on the pros and cons of different energy drinks; Sadly, that entry predated my awareness of a new caffeinated powerhouse: 4 Loko.

4 Loko is so stimulating that it has been killing people; the mix of alcohol and caffeine has led to bad decisions at college campuses nationwide. Side effects include drunken insomnia, incomprehensible slurring, and texting ex-boyfriends/girlfriends.

Now that it has been made illegal in New York, Washington, and a handful of other states, the question arose of what to do with all that 4 Loko left over. It seems... loco to simply pour it all out, right?

Never fear, Virginia is here!

MXI Environmental Services in Virginia is importing 4 Loko to turn into ethanol! That's right: the illegal drink will be going straight into your gas tank. Be sure to close your gas cap after filling up, or you may be cited for an open container.

The linked article states:

"Brian Potter, vice president of operations at MXI's facility in Abingdon, Va., said about a couple of hundred truckloads of the drinks would be coming to the plant. Each truck holds 2,000 cases of the 23.5-ounce cans." -ZINIE CHEN SAMPSON (AP)

That means that hundreds of trucks will be driving into Virginia carrying an increasingly rare substance.

Clearly, Virginia (and adjacent states)  will soon see rogue fraternities taking to the highways to raid the convoys! The scene will go as follows:

Destination: BFE, Virginia

The trucks will drive for several hours into rural areas of Virginia to reach the destination of Abingdon, VA. That area is far southwest of things like Virginia Tech, UVA, JMU, electricity, running water, civilization, and convenience stores secretly continuing to sell 4 Loko.

Slowly the convoys of trucks roll steadily up the hills of western Virginia, reaching the top of the highest nearby hill. Suddenly, a horde of motorcycles, Ford F150s, Jeeps and an old silver-plum Saturn will appear from all directions, wearing an odd assortment of popped polo shirts and confederate flag baseball hats. Here the carjackings will begin: the Greeks will attack with bottles, kegs (thrown like Donkey Kong), and Rainbow sandals.

Eventually the convoy will forcibly veer of the highway to the local highway fortress, hopefully to close the gate just in time to ward off unwanted attackers. From there, the scene can only go like this:



Replace the words "gas" with "4 Loko", and there you have it.

For good measure, enjoy the South Park version of events: