Thursday, March 17, 2011

Happy Sssst Patty's Day

Antifreeze, or beer? Taking all bets!
Today is Saint Patrick's Day! This is the one time of the year that drinking a green beer will lead to vomitting.... and be ok! Heck, it's more than ok.... it's a celebration!

According to legend, St Patrick chased the sinful snakes out of Ireland in ancient times, which is why the Irish are so renowned for not sinning too much. Or drinking!

St Patrick may have had an easy time chasing the snakes out, since evidence points to the fact that no snakes having ever lived in Ireland to begin with. Some nay-sayers may then question why we celebrate him so animatedly....

To that, I say this: Quiet You! I submit that if there WERE no snakes to chase out, that simply expedited St Patrick's serpent-chasing. Just like how I take credit for the absence of Grizzly Bears in the office right now. Where's my bonus???

Of course, hardcore Patty fans will dispute this; some will insist that the legends are true no matter what the evidence. Somehow those people also refuse to worship me when I show them my ability to walk on water while we go ice-skating.

In any case, Saint Patrick is a man worth celebrating... every March 17th! After all, he very well may have had a moustache like those smart Guiness guys!!!
(Brilliant actually refers to their moustaches)

Because the holiday falls on the day of St Patrick's death, an important question must be raised: who now guards Ireland from a NEW snake invasion?

Could the Third Strike introduce an invasive species to Ireland, where they would thrive due to the immediate natural camouflage of the Land of 1000 Greens? I would give the snakes 3 months before they start running the Emerald Tiger like their own personal piggy bank, making me the de facto ruler of the island....

Lucky for everybody else, Samuel L. Jackson is always on the look out for criminal snakes. Get these mother f***ing snakes off my mother f***ing island.

If Saint Jackson's hard work isn't enough, Ireland can always combine the legacy of St. Patrick with the Springfield tradition of Whacking Day: Springfield residents hunt snakes to the tune of Barry White.
"Whacking Day" is popular amongst 12 year old boys

So everyone grab a Guiness & Jameson! Watch your favorite scenes from classic Irish-themed films like The Boondock SaintsThe Departed, and Leprechaun 5: In the Hood!

Maybe you can even practice your Parseltongue... although you might just sound like a drunk. Still, if the practice pays out, being elevated to sainthood would make it worth the wait. Just like Guiness.

**Author's note: Thank you to Lee for the Samuel L. Jackson joke**

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