Monday Moustache: I am the Walrus

Today marks the thirtieth post in a recurring segment on moustaches.

Today's moustache:

The Walrus

That's right... this week's mustache award goes to... walruses: the owners of nature's little moustache!

The walrus is such an amazing creature that it naturally grows a glorious moustache without the use of mustache wax, trimming scissors, or mustache combs. They don't even use mirrors to admire their superior 'staches... though that is probably for the best, as they would end up enthralled by their gallant reflections like the Greek Narcissus.

One Myth that can't be busted? That hair was stolen from a Walrus

The Walrus has made its way into human culture by many forms, way beyond mankind simply attempting to mimic the mustache.

Lewis Carrol included a story about a Walrus hanging out with a Carpenter and eating some deliciously innocent oysters in Through the Looking Glass.

See Dogma for the "religious significance" of this story

In the book, Alice at first liked the metafictional Walrus better... but that was until she found out that he was even greedier than the Carpenter. However, Alice was tripping on shrooms when she finally decided that both of them were unsavory characters. After all, oysters are delicious. Stop being so fucking judgmental. Screw Alice. :)

Even John Lennon wanted to be a Walrus.

Told you so.

It is often said that the Walrus has the largest penis of any mammal. However, this might not be true, because Blue Whales are ridiculously big, and they have to mate somehow. I invite readers to Google "big penis" and see what comes up-- I'm not ready to make that plunge yet.

In any case, since the rumor persists, people must at least ASSUME that the walrus is well-endowed... probably because they are so damn awesome.

It's the moustache.