Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Election Day: The Best Representatives of the Human Race

Today is election day, a booming part of the year for the "I Voted" sticker industry.

Over the next 24 to 24,000 hours, cable news channels will provide all sorts of analysis on why gay white Jewish Colorblind Pirates voted more Democratic than usual. Seeing as this is a non-Presidential election, pirates will probably make up a large part of the electorate.

Some people (myself included) follow politics closer than is necessary, namely because the WWE has been getting soft ever since The Rock left to star in movies like Race to Witch Mountain. Something dramatic, violent, and absurd was still needed to fill time between commercials, so Capitol Hill began filling that void with assistance from several cable news channels.

Perhaps this is just the surprise Mick Foley visit to the Rally to Restore Sanity speaking, but politics seems to resemble the drama of a professional wrestling ring more than ever these days.

A typical portrayal of politics in our national media:

Democrat: Can you smell what the Senate is cooking?
Republican: I'm going to fillibuster you to the ground!
Democrat: Not if I give you "The People's Elbow" first!
Republican: You're a Nazi.
Democrat: What's a Nazi?

...and so on.

If aliens were to come and observe our planet, lets face it: our current political process would not be the aspect of society we would use to sell our qualifications to learn the secrets of interstellar travel.

But elections are designed to choose representatives for humanity! As citizens, if our representatives are not who we would want to meet with new galactic freinds, then who do we choose?

Luckily, the Third Strike has selected some qualified candidates to represent the Human Race in the case we need to hold an emergency meeting of Earth's elites.

The House of Representatives for the Human Race:

Lance Armstrong
Eat it, Cancer!
Lance Armstrong proved that mankind is capable of being a complete bad-ass and that you can look cool in spandex. He came back from three types of cancer to win the Tour de France 7 times... so making nice with some aliens should be cake.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Technically... still a politician
OK, so technically Arnold is already a politician and he will be for the next couple weeks. Just like Barack Obama hired Larry Summers, sometimes you need to hire a guy from the inside who has his hands dirty. If things go south for Earth, Arnold has experience dealing with planetary threats. And nobody messes with the Governator.

My name is Lucy, dammit!
Xena tries to go by her "birth name" Lucy Lawless. But deep down inside, we all know the truth. A is A, and Xena is Xena. Clearly Xena is needed to bring some masculine femininity to the team of Earth's representatives.

Dwayne Johnson aka The Rock
Hey Guys. Remember how I used to wrestle in underwear?
To be honest, Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson doesn't bring anything useful to the team. I just want to keep him busy so he doesn't have time to film Race to Witch Mountain 2.

Keanu Reeves
Keanu usually ends up saving the world with a vacant expression on his face. It's a good idea to have on the team.

George Will
It's good to have someone who always thinks he's smarter than you around to provide some snarky leadership critiques. This curmudgeon could rain on even the sunniest parade-- but his perspective could help give the team some insight. As he said:

"The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised."

Spongebob Squarepants
Who better to mop the floor with some potentially dangerous aliens than an anthropomorphic sponge? Besides, it's hard not to love this guy... he's like a squishy, soggy, square teddy bear.

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