The Airline Security Hokey-Pokey

The media has been squawking about the most recent controversies of that beloved comedy pariah, airlines. Specifically, the TSA has been under scrutiny for its new pat-down procedures for flyers-- those who do not make it through the body-scanning X-Ray machine (surely no health risks...) can get romanced by an intimate personal screening.

This is my airplane impression! Get it?

A new American Internet hero has emerged from the policy: the "Don't touch my junk" guy. This gentleman was concerned about the familiarity with his nether-regions that the TSA agent was going to have.

The Third Strike will neither condone nor condemn the new policy; that is what everyone else is for. But if you're having anxiety about flying for the holidays, then we will provide you with these "Fun Ways to Play with the TSA" to ease your mind. A little fun at the airport will make your groping go by more quickly. Or at least it will be amusing.


*Disclaimer*: these games might lead to detention, longer lines, and hatred from other passengers.

1. Wear a fanny pack full of random items. A fanny pack is the least threatening accessory ever invented. It is so innocent it has been relegated to the hopeless and power-walking moms. And THAT makes it extremely suspicious. When the TSA agents ask you to open it only to see A Barrel of Monkeys, rogue Scrabble pieces, some Lego Jedi, a laser pointer, and electrical tape, their imagination will go wild with what kind mischief you're up to.

2. Wear rip off-pants. These might be hard to find. I don't think they're in style for anyone outside of the NBA, but you can have a great moment with security. "Strip search? You GOT IT!" *cue dance music*

3. Wear lead-lined underpants. I don't think this breaks any laws, and when asked you can say that you are simply making sure that your junk does not go sterile from overexposure to X-Ray. This way, Superman will also not be able to see what you are packing.


4. Put your clothes on backwards. Again, this isn't illegal. Sure is suspicious though. Hey, this is a free country, and if I think my Lee Dungarees look better with a fly in the rear then that is my right as an American Citizen. Inside-out is also a safe alternative and is very "Back to the Future Part 2".

5. Start purring during your pat down. OK, so you've probably been identified as a suspicious person if you've done all of the above. Now they're going to begin patting you down, including your bathing suit/lead underwear area. Now would be a good time to make any animal sounds, really. Purring is a safe option, but if you start barking, mooing, or doing your best impression of a goat, at no point will it be less shocking. Again, is this illegal? I'm not a lawyer, so I don't know.
I'm going to pretend I am one and say no.

Have fun, and don't forget to send us a post card from Guantanamo Bay!