Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Movies Are Sucking

I need to get something off of my chest.

I was watching the previews at the movie theater last week and I saw this disgraceful thing:

Can we all just admit that the upcoming Denzel Washington film “Unstoppable” looks absolutely terrible? Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan. Like most rational women in the world, I would give a kidney to have Denzel’s child. I’ve put up with his recurring role as the same character in every movie. I’ve also put up with his decision to ignore all of my phone calls. However, enough is enough. There is no excuse for this movie. It’s about an out-of-control, unstoppable mode of transportation that is causing fear and panic to the community! *gasps* Wait, I’ve heard of this plot before. Oh, that’s right. It’s called SPEED.

How was this movie pitched anyway!? I can just imagine:

Screenwriter: “Ok, so I have this great idea: Denzel Washington…”

Movie studio: “I like where you’re going with this. Go on.”

Screenwriter: “… and some hot young guy from that Star Trek movie….”

Movies studio: “… yes! What else!?...”

Screenwriter: “…plowing through a city on a superfast vehicle that WON’T STOP!”

Movie studio: “But what vehicle!?”

Screenwriter: “A bus?”

Movie studio: “No, it’s been done!”

Screenwriter: “How about a cruise ship!?”

Movie studio: “Too free-roaming!”

Screenwriter: “How about – a TRAIN!??!?!!!!”

Movie studio: “BRILLIANT!!!”

If the people who decided to make this film really wanted to be creative (and more eco-friendly – we all know trains burn so much coal. pshh), they would have had Denzel Washington save a city from an unstoppable Prius. Or they would have just cast Samuel L. Jackson instead and named the movie“Snakes on a Train.”

Now THAT, I would see!

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