Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Guest Post: Best Unseen Crossovers by Gina from Fantasy Casting

You remember when Alien Vs. Predator came out? And Freddy Vs. Jason? Did you ever wonder how those came to be? Picture this:



A Hollywood production studio's board room. There's a well dressed studio exec at the head of the table, and a whole mess of yes-men in suits ready to ask "how high?" when he says "jump." There's a 30-something with very cool hair standing across the table with a proposal projecting onto the wall behind him.


30-something: "Everybody loves 'Alien'. Sigourney Weaver in her underpants, aliens, awesomeness."
general murmuring of assent
30-something: "Everybody loves 'Predator'. Arnold Schwarzeneggar outsmarting a man-hunting alien."
more positive murmuring
30-something: "What do those two classic pieces of Americana have in common?"
:: dramatic pause ::
30-something: "Bloodthirsty Aliens!"
Studio exec: "So, we make another bloodthirsty alien movie, hire an unknown actress to prance around in her underpants, pay her less than she's worth, and pocket the difference."
30-something: "No, no, no. We make a movie with JUST the bloodthirsty aliens. No girls in underpants, no handsome bodybuilders. Just the bloodthirsty aliens."
Studio Exec: "Nailed it. Who's ready for lunch?"


Now, you and I can see several places where that conversation could have gone in a different better direction, but this is Hollywood, and if there's anything I'm sure of, it's the fact that they will continue to reinvent a bad idea until they are absolutely positive that they have sucked as much money out of the bank accounts of America as possible. (despite bad reviews, the two films mentioned at the top of this postprofited over $75 million). And with that in mind, I present to you the 10 Most Awesomely Bad "VS" Movie Ideas:


Harry Potter vs. Percy Jackson: One has to retrieve Zeus' lightning bolt, the other has a scar shaped like a lightning bolt. One is is a demi-god, and the other is a god on the Quidditch field. Both will struggle with the terrible angst of having to ask a girl out for the first time. Magic! (pun intended)

Fan Art from PercyJacksonMovies.com


The Wonders vs. Josie and the Pussycats: Both are pop-rock bands that had meteoric rises to superstardom. One band fell apart because of the stress, the other uncovered a conspiracy of global proportions. The film would culminate in an all out Battle of the Bands, determining once and for all whether girls can rock as hard as the boys. Think of the gender-role implications! 


livingreadgirl.blogspot.com & listal.com


Jurassic Park vs. King Kong: The best part about this match-up? In the King Kong movie, he already fought against two dinosaurs. So we already know that audiences will love it! Brilliant!


What did you say? "Redundant?" I don't even know what that means. Moving on.


ezineseeker.com


Pee Wee Herman vs. Napoleon Dynamite: The potential for awkwardly doofy moments is so exhilarating, I can hardly stand it. Pee Wee is overly exuberant, Napoleon is so low-key that he's almost sullen. Opposites that, when properly combined, will create a cinematic masterpiece.


theflickcast.com & matrondownunder.blogspot.com


Juno vs. Alison Scott: Two unwanted pregnancies. Two different ways of dealing with it. All kinds of chick drama, crazy one liners and opportunities for other people to be super judgmental. Seth Rogan and Michael Cera must be willing to reprise their roles, though.


people.com


Edmond Dantes vs. Mr. Darcy: Men of high society from the same era fighting dueling (they didn't 'fight' back then, it wasn't proper) to the death. How could this possibly go wrong? 


What do you mean "more than fifty years apart?" Modern Americans don't know the difference. Just make sure they both wear ascots and have British accents. Wait... Count of Monte Cristo is supposed to be French? That's ridiculous. We all know everyone outside the US, or prior to 1925 spoke with a British accent. Get your history straight, man. 


dailymail.co.uk & thehayride.com


Don Michael Corleone vs. Tony Montana: Not only would this pitch two of the greatest gangsters on film against each other, but it wouldfinally (finally!) give Al Pacino his opportunity to play multiple characters in the same film, a la Eddie Murphy or Mike Meyers, just as I am certain he has always wanted to do. 

thecollider.com


Truman Burbank vs. Ed Pekurny: They could start out as allies against those filming their personal lives for profit, but eventually turn on each other in attempt to gain control of the network. 

¡Three Amigos! vs. Galaxy Quest: This one would have to be helmed by JJ Abrams or the Wachowskis, because it would be a total mindf***.  Think about it: the actors from two films about actors unknowingly facing a real enemy will come together in documentary film about said enemies, thinking it's just a film about their past experiences, allowing them to again pretend to be actors. However, it will actually be for reals! Whoa. 

tvtropes.org & toomuchteeth.blogspot.com




Average Joe's Dodgeball Team vs.  The Benchwarmers: Underdogs taking on underdogs? What's not to love about this? At some point, an underdog will finally lose.


chucksconnection.com & slantmagazine.com
 So, what do you think, internet? What awesomely bad VS movies would you like to see? 
  


Gina blogs over at Fantasy Casting, where she spouts her opinion about who should be cast in the film versions of books, comic books and anything else that strikes her fancy. You can contact her here.

4 comments:

  1. That is a great post. I follow Gina's Fantasy Casting and I love it. She hit the nail this time as always. I especially liked Edmond Dantes vs. Mr.Darcy. Hilarious and a good pun.

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  2. I loved the Wonders. Just saying.

    I'm a dedicated follower of Gina's. Love her.

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  3. Oh man! That was hilarious! Epsecially the Edmond Dantes one, the Galaxy Quest one and the Benchwarmers one. Good stuff...

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