Friday, September 24, 2010

Clowning Around (Part 2)

Third Strike is continuing its Public Awareness Campaign on The Dangers of Clowns. While many clowns are harmless, a growing number of clowns pose a public safety risk that must be mitigated immediately.

For security, consult this list should you see a clown, and remain vilgilant-- a clown may throw a pie at you, or it may try to cook you in one.

The Joker

You wouldn't think it to look at him, but this guy is actually very dangerous. Ok, maybe you would think that.

The Joker has come in several shapes and sizes, but he has always kept the same mental state: bat-shit crazy. Especially for Batman.

The Joker's Laughing Fish made poor Gorton's Fish Fillets

To quote the Trickster, "When super-villains want to scare each other, they tell Joker stories."

You never know his angle; he might gas a river and try to patent the laughing fish, or he might shoot your sidekick in the spine.

Classification: Avatar of Satan

Bozo the Clown
If you're watching Bozo the Clown some random afternoon, you have reached one of two places in life.

1. You're a 5 year old, and can expect to hang on to your virginity for another 35 years.

2. You've hit rock bottom, and have begun smoking carpet squares in the hope that leftover drugs have seeped into the fabric.

Nevertheless, he is still one of the best known clowns... and if he can compete with Teletubbies, he must have some sort of appeal.

Classification: Funny Clown

It had to be coming... IT. Stephen King's Spider/Shapeshifing Clown.

He's existed for centuries, and he gets woken up every time something really terrible happens. This time he was woken up by bad grammar on rally signs in Washington D.C.

He's hungry.

Classification: Avatar of Satan

John Wayne Gacy

Serial Killer.

Way to affirm the fear of clowns, Gacy.

Classification: Avatar of Satan

Rodeo Clowns

Rodeo Clowns exist to distract bulls from goring cowboys who have been unseated. They don't speak and hide in barrels for protetction from the raging animal.

Classification: Mime

Let's hope they can mime an ambulence ride to the hospital!

Shakes the Clown

Bad Santa, but with a clown.

Classification: Sad Clown

Matt McNamara

Spoiled son of a plastic surgeon becomes a street mime on Nip/Tuck. Then starts he starts robbing convenience stores.

Classification: Sad Clown & Mime

John Leguizamo: the Clown/Violator

He literally works for the Devil and torments Spawn.

Classification: Avatar of Satan

Insane Clown Posse

Rumor has it that these guys actually met each other at an Insane Asylum. They make some crazy music. Who knows what these guys are about?

Classification: ??????

Ronald McDonald

Ronald is probably the world's most identifiable clown. He's been teaching kids about the fun of fast food for decades, and is a proud spokesman of a company that produces foodlike products. Unfortunately he has had some health problems in recent times, leading to 23 heart attacks, 12 strokes, and a Super Sized blood clot. He now lives with an iron lung, an IV, and a daily diet of prescription McNuggets.

Classification: Sad Clown

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