Thursday, September 16, 2010

Dinosaurs Who (Still) Rule the Earth

As a little kid, I had two big dreams. One was to become Superman. The other was to have a pet dinosaur.

I'm still waiting on that gift, Santa. We had a cookie/dinosaur trade agreement!

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that I was born in the 20th century instead of the Jurassic Period. The most exposure I have to giant reptiles is watching a Florida Gators game.

Ok, I lied, I don't watch Gators games. But I drink Gatorade. That's close enough. The point is, nothing is trying to eat me.

Despite their extinction, dinosaurs have stayed a big part of our lives to this day. Take a look at...

The Dinosaurs* Who (Still) Rule the Earth

*Note: I am leaving out controversial Dinosaur-ish creatures like Land of the Lost's Sleezstaks, Godzilla, Bowser, and a number of Pokemon. Feel free to comment if you take offense.

10. The Dinosaurs-- Disney's Dinosaur

Beautifully animated. Kind of forgettable.

9. TV's Dinosaurs

Is this show for kids? Watching this whacked out 80's Jim Henson show could give me nightmares now. These guys are unforgettable... but for all the wrong reasons. They also barely qualify as actual dinosaurs, but for the title of their TV show...

"You know what would make Family Matters better? If a character was half John Goodman and half Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, and the show took place in the Flintstones' house."

8. Another Group of Dinosaurs-- We're Back! A Dinosaur Story

This film was a classic for kids, although a lot of the major plot elements are hazy to remember now. The dinosaurs get extra points for doing things like playing golf and eating cereal that makes them smart.

Apparently, it's called "Brain Grain". This film must have been partially financed by Cheerios or Wheaties.

7. The T-Rex-- Meet the Robinsons

This is a dangerously charming real-life version of Toy Story's Rex (see below). He's also a bit too familiar for the exact same reason.

6. Rex-- Toy Story

Rex is the bumbling sidekick to the more confident toys in this story--ironic since he is also a Tyrannosaurus Rex. He has comically useless little arms that spend most of the movies expressing his anxiety, and he's only about a human foot tall. Rex was the first T-Rex to be perscribed anti-anxiety medication.

5. Vastatosaurus Rex-- King Kong

As the eighth wonder of the world, King Kong needs somebody to fight before he meets the bi-planes. Cue dinosaurs and giant bats. While these dinosaurs never actually existed, they're as deadly as anything else on Skull Island. Especially Niamoi Watts. She gave me a video tape 6 days ago and I think it's going to kill me.

4. Littlefoot-- The Land Before Time

Back in 1988, a film about some baby dinosaurs made a huge splash at the box office. Since then, there have been approximately 300,000 sequels and also a TV show. For those wanting a nostalgic memory boost, the other critters are Cera, Ducky, Petrie, and Spike. Together they had an adventure to start an orphanage or something.
Did Littlefoot ever met Bigfoot?

2. Tie: The Velociraptors and The T-Rex of Isla Nublar-- Jurassic Park

Both the Velociraptors and the T-Rex of Jurassic Park deserve individual respect and credit, although they coexist in the same film. Looking at their record, they both stand out as the ultimate achievers of Dino-glory.

Velociraptors: learn to open doors
T-Rex: Bites opens a car like a Dorito chip

T-Rex: Manages to kill a Velociraptor or two
Velociraptors: Manage to kill Samuel L. Jackson.

Hold on to your butts.

1. Barney-- Barney and Friends

I'd love to have been a television executive who was in the room when this idea was first pitched. "Ok gentlemen,  for the next potential show we're going to have a Tyrannasaurus Rex. But he's going to be purple. And friendly. And cuddly. He'll do dances and sing about things like how cleaning up after yourself can be fun!"
Love him, hate him, want his head on a stick... he is easily the most recognizable dinosaur around.


  1. I take offense that charizard was not considered a dinosaur. I am filing a civil suit to address my emotional damages.


    The Third Strike is going to claim legal immunity.

    However, we will be willing to reconsider our stance on charizard if you can explain how a Pokeball works. How could you possibly keep a dinosaur locked inside a yoyo???