Friday, September 17, 2010

Dating Do's, Don'ts, and Doh's Volume 2

A few weeks back, Third Strike had a short entry on humorous dating tips. It was not supposed to be revisited because the subject gets beaten to death as is.

So has the subject of Zombies? Sure. But beating a Zombie to death doesn't stop it. The undead just keep coming back until you aim for the head.

But then... my friend sent me a email she recieved. Reading it, I realized that there are other topics that just refuse to die.

Online dating has added potential for a monumental amount of awkwardness, because it's not simply like meeting someone in person for the first time. In person, if a person uses a ridiculous pick up line, you can laugh at them in their face (or smile and keep chatting if you liked it).

Sure you can hit it off with a special someone you've been "set up" with online. But by its very nature, Internet dating will also empower the bizzare.

The email:

I can deliver your ideal date

I am pretty much how I describe myself on my profile. I am a funny, well travelled, laid-back, successful English guy, who currently lives on his yacht in Fells Point.

I have an intriguing proposition. I am looking to get to know someone in the Baltimore/DC area over the next month or so then to sail to the Bahamas and maybe the Caribbean this winter. Is your life is flexible enough to spend four months this winter, sailing warmer climes? I presume it would be ideal if you can work remotely or just are fastidious at topping up your tan.

I admire people who can thrive outside their comfort zone. Sailing knowledge isn't mandatory. I hadn't stepped foot on a yacht before I bought her from the comfort of my London office last December. The internet makes idiotic, spur of the moment purchases so much easier. Only once have I nearly sunk my boat.

Is there anything you would like to know? I know this is an intriguing / random proposition - If it hasn't scared you off would you like to meet up?


The first paragraph of this email is great. He drops the fact that he's English, immediately bringing to mind Daniel Craig, David Beckham, and Hugh Grant movies. I'm sorry, but Bend it Like Beckham sounds like a porno. Just sayin'.

He drops the line that he lives on a yacht, which is fine... yachts are nice. Living on a boat is a little bit unusual, but hey... if things go well then at least the lady won't be in for a complete surprise. Plus, it's better to live on the water than actually in Baltimore, because that city is terrifying.


Now comes the intriguing proposition. Keep in mind, this is his first email. He asks to get to know her for a month, then travel to distant lands on a boat. Forget the first date, this guy is already asking her to move in. Also remember that he's read this girl's profile online, and that alone is what he is basing this proposition on. The joke could be on him if his Internet biddy turns out to have Fran Drescher's voice and Courtney Love's personality. (She doesn't. But she could.)

Also, it's a little insulting to my friend to imply that within a couple days, she would decide to drop any and all life pursuits and abandon career growth to go boating with a complete stranger who found her pictures online. Is his life flexibile enough to wait until the third date before he asks someone on his magic carpet ride?


So this guy admires people oustide their comfort zone... which any takers are going to have to be when they find out this guy isn't exactly Horatio Hornblower. Hey he's only almost crashed his boat once. And hey, he's got nine months experience, what's the worst that could happen? There aren't any Somalian Pirates in the Carribean and the Kraken died in the third Johnny Depp movie.

The Internet does make idiotic, spur of the moment purchases easier, as is stated. So he is admitting that his very purchase of this boat was a stupid idea. So was buying a account to find a young lady to abduct.

Topping it off: "Is there anything else you would like to know?" Apparently, he makes money... and that's great. But I think there is also a halfway decent chance that he owns an island where he hunts human beings for sport.

Maybe this guy is Aladdin. Or maybe he kills people and disposes of their bodies out at sea al la Dexter Morgan. Who knows... he spent all of his self-description in the first two lines of the email. I'm sure his profile has plenty of additional illumination. But gut feelings say it's probably best to run, run fast, and never look back.

Or maybe this whole thing was a joke.

He said he was funny?

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